It’s finally over…
Millions around the world call it Valentines Day. It is a day that is set aside to honor and celebrate the special one you love — and for the special one you love to celebrate you. Everywhere you turn, there are roadside stands full of beautiful flowers and gifts. Every store greets you with displays of chocolates and balloons. The media is littered with romantic jewelry ads; engagement ring ads being the worse offenders. Restaurants, concerts and hotels are booked to capacity, as couples celebrate having each other. Those fortunate enough to have someone to share this special day with, brim with excitement at the thought of the romance and love the energy of this day produces.
However, for many others, what some know as “Valentines Day” — is actually “Annual Heartbreak Day”. While all of the attention surrounding this day produces sweet enthusiasm in the those who have someone to celebrate it with, it produces only painful heartache in others. For me, “Annual Heartbreak Day” is a bitter reminder of all of the unrequited love that I have rendered over the years. It is the taunting chant of the voice of abandonment. It is the agonizing realization and piercing awareness of my very aloneness.
This week leading up to Heartbreak Day, I had struggled terribly — to the point where I had to fight off three random panic attacks that came on, as I saw loving couples during my daily errands. I have been having a wonderful year. It has been one of the best years of my life. And yet I know that often times with me, a trigger like this can knock me off the path of my destiny and cause months of delay.
I have made so much progress this year and I know that during this time of redemption, I cannot afford to let the enemy use anything to take me down! The key to my overcoming was in sharing my heart out of my own brokenness. Thursday night and last night (Valentines night) in the midst of my own pain, I gave everything that I have to other people who were in pain. While I cried a river of tears inside, I caused others to be full of joy, hope and encouragement.
It has been four years since my marriage ended. Leaving that marriage, I never once looked back in regret. It was a prison of neglect and resentment. However, I never thought or could have imagined, standing before the judge on the day of my divorce that all these years later, I would still be a single woman. I have loved so many people, with so much passion and humility and honor over the years. Excluding my children, I can’t say that anyone has ever fully reciprocated the love that I’ve given them, and that was especially the case with my ex-husband.
Yet, I have never been bitter or cynical about remarrying. Quite to the contrary, I have always believed the second time around would come quickly and restore my torn heart. But now, 4 years later, I have not been so hopeful. I do greatly treasure my position in the Body of Christ. I am so thankful that I have such value to the Kingdom. I know undoubtedly that I am a Mighty Woman of God. Yet in the natural, as a woman, I question my worth. I wonder why no man has ever claimed me as his special reward and made me his Queen.
I want more than anything, a chance to share the overwhelming wifely love and anointing that is ever brimming in my heart, but a man who truly loves, cherishes and honors me has remained elusive. I have only ever been used by men for their purposes of pleasure and advancement. And even those that I thought loved me, have proven in the end that they only loved the “idea of being with Dr. Intimacy”, but not the woman she operates through.
And yet, the victory is mine this morning. I woke up a virtuous woman whose worth is far above that of precious rubies. Instead of taking the love that The Father has placed in my heart and burying it; instead of saying, “until someone loves me, I can’t love anyone else”; instead of compromising my integrity and standards of righteousness, for the sake of falsely comforting my broken heart on one insignificant day created by the world – I shared my love freely, I overcame bitterness by blessing others and I stood in my righteousness and integrity.
Because I gave, more than two dozen people woke up this morning encouraged and happy and knowing that they are loved. Because I decided that even if no man finds me worth it, I still find others worth it. Even if I can’t receive the love I desire, I can still give someone else what they desire. So while there was no one here to keep me warm last night and whisper sweet love into my ear, the images of loving others and the joy that they received warmed my heart. The hope of reaping a harvest kept my tears away. And The Love and Approval of My Savior encouraged me to know that it’s always worth it to love and serve others.
Maybe this time next year, I will be waking up next to my new husband. However if not, I will wake up thinking about whoever it is that I shared The Love of The Father with the night before, and my pillow will not be soaked with tears, as in years past. So if like me, Valentines Day is actually Annual Heartbreak Day for you — I say to you, “keep your love in shape”. Go exercise the love you plan to give in a beautiful, Godly marriage one day. Go practice the service that you plan to one day give to your spouse. Stay focused on the love you can give to others, and before you know it, your tears will turn into joy!!!
In the power of His Love,
Prophetess Laneen “Dr. Intimacy” Haniah