When a Spouse Cheats, Is the Other Spouse to Blame?

I received a post today from a lady that said, “I by no means was the wife that I was supposed to be but I still to this day don’t believe that I deserved to be cheated on.” That causes me to pose a question: When a husband or wife cheats, is the other spouse to blame? Are they to blame completely in some cases? Only to some degree in some cases? Or never in any case? I don’t know of any place I can go in scripture off-hand to support an opinion to one extent or the other but I do know this, marriage is a partnership and cheating doesn’t  “just happen”.

Now as far as the word “blame” goes, that is a trick question that I asked because I don’t believe that either spouse is to “blame”. Blame is irrelevant in the case of adultery. When infidelity takes place, angry accusations and blame only veil the underlying causes. The act of adultery is not nearly as relevant as the factors that led to it. Establishing who should carry the blame will not bring healing. Discovering how the door for infidelity was opened in the marriage can give the insight needed to repair the marriage and “adultery proof” it for the future.

This has been a “hot-button” issue, especially for women that  have been on the receiving end of adulterous affairs. But I often see a lot of deflection in the angry comments of scorned women. I had been in more affairs than I care to mention and although I am remorseful I went down that road in the past, I am grateful for the insights I gained. Where cheating is concerned, I find that both cheating husbands and cheating wives have told strikingly similar stories about the circumstances that existed in the  home before the affair occurred. Based on what I understand about the sacrifice marriage requires, my counseling sessions and the failures of my own past: my position is that both spouses are responsible for the infidelity no matter which spouse it is that actually does the deed.

Let me know what you think about this and reference scriptures or experiences that you are familiar with if you can.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

drintimacy@drintimacy.com                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

41 thoughts on “When a Spouse Cheats, Is the Other Spouse to Blame?

  1. No I don’t believe the other spouse should be blamed for her/his spouse cheating as it is a choice that they chose to make so they would have to give an account and take responsibility for their own actions No Excuses. Now, that’s not to say that we should slack or not take responsibility if we are not being the wif/husband that we know we ought to. Because each one has a huge part to play in a marriage, and successful marriage is a marriage that you have to put work into every single day! God Bless You! Good Post!

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Good thoughs. As I stated in the article though, “blame” is irrevelant. You said the right word “responsibility” and both spouses are responsible for their own actions, including whatever actions led up to the affair.

  2. I think your latter statement is true both are responsible in most cases, there are those spouses who cheat without excuse but then there are those who cheat because their essential needs are going unmet and it becomes the breeding ground for infidelity. I think you thoughts on BLAME is right on…

  3. Steve Taylor says:

    Amen and Thank You Sis. Laneen for Thinking that My Opinion “means” something of value! :-) I have some of the same sentiments as Prophet Andre… Very Insightful! Marriage is an “Institution” Established by GOD…THUS THE NAME “HOLY MATRIMONY!” Not “Only” were Vows Pledged Between Two People… THE VOWS ARE ALSO TO GOD! So, when We cheat on our partner… WE CHEAT ON GOD! Here are some Scripture
    MEN ARE “ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE “MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP!!! BUT BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS A “PARTNERSHIP” BOTH PARTIES ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE “MARRIAGE!” THUS BLAME FALLS ON BOTH! “BUT” THE (SIN PUNISHMENT) WILL FALL ON THE OFFENDER! Here are some Scriptures concerning the Marriage Relationship!

    Genesis 2:24
    Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

    Ephesians 5:28
    So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

    Ephesians 5:33
    Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

    This is Just a few… I will compile More soon! THANK YOU AND HAVE A WONDERFULLY SAFE AND BLESSED WEEKEND!
    ..

    • Prophet Andre Cook says:

      @ Steve Taylor..Great!
      ..

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Wow Steve, this is a teaching that I often share out of Eph 5 but it is refreshing to hear from a man that understands the significance of his role in marriage. Most men don’t like this teaching and want to focus just on his need for respect, not understanding that respect is birthed out of love. Christ loved us when we were totally disrespectful to him. It is because he first loved us that we learned to respect him. In this line of ministry that I am involved in, I am finding it more and more common for the wife to be the one having the affair. At the same time, a man can only give a woman a portion of the love Christ gave because a man is just a man and not God. Women have to stop expecting their husbands to be God in thier lives!

  4. Very powerful insight. Yet I personally and biblically believe being that the scripture says defraud ye not one another. You can literally cause your companion to if not sin certainly divorce you for this type of behavior. Very good blog. I will reblog it soon. Thank you.

  5. Jermaine Ofori says:

    The word blame is a very dangerous word as it implies deferment of personal responsibility to another party. This is not evident in scripture. The word teaches that we must workout our own salvation and one will judged according to his or her deeds by the Father at an appointed time.

    If we were to look at our marriage to Yahweh (God), the union is made through covenant. His love and faithfulness to us is limitless; He will never leave us or forsake us. However, it is expected that our level of commitment be returned in same manner in order for the relationship to grow. If we chose to leave, depart, cheat, or whatever is Yahweh to blame for this infidelity? Yah forbid! Actually, Israel tried to pull the same thing when they built a golden calf, served other gods and said it was because Moses was gone.

    I agree with the previous posts. The husband is the head of the home and should make attempts to reconcile any places of disagreement. Everything is not just one sided, Yahweh made woman to be a help to the man. A wise man said, “I rather be on a rooftop, than in a house with a contentious woman”. I said all that to say, if there is to be harmony and unity in a marriage it takes hard work and commitment. Cheating should not be considered an option or a replacement for the hard work.

    Sorry for the long post
    Hope it added to the discussion.

    Yah bless

    • Steve Taylor says:

      Amen Bro. Jermaine… I Concur! MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU WITH WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE! HAVE A BLESSED WEEK!!!

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      @ Jermaine

      From the way your comment started, I’m not sure if you actually read my entire article. It seems that you only responded to the question but I love your insight! My only challenge to your analogy of Yahweh’s love for us, is that to be like Him is what every true believer is striving for – not that we have necessarily achieved that. Yahweh’s Love toward us is perfect, because He is Love. It is not something that He has to “work at”. He just IS, I AM, that I AM. The perfect love that He gives us breeds faithfulness in our hearts. A Love like His, once acknowledged, induces faithfulness on our parts. And yet, as perfect as that love is, we still fail to be faithful to Him on so many counts. How much harder is it then to be faithful to a spouse that may be falling far short of God’s perfect Love toward us? I just believe that if each spouse is doing EVERYTHING in their power to Love as perfectly as they can, adultery will never happen. There will be no opening for it because even where there is a vulnerable place, Grace will cover it– as long as we are giving it every thing we have! If each spouse is not fulfilling this responsibility, an uncovered vulnerability is made accessible to the enemy, and by enemy I mean the carnal man — not the devil! At that carnal weak point is where the spouse whose nature is more inclined to adultery (that is a whole nother topic) is likely to commit adultery. While they cannot “blame” the other spouse for the decision they made, neither can the “victimized” spouse throw off the burden of responsibility for failing to protect their covenant.

  6. A Real Brutha says:

    @ Steve and Jermaine

    How can you brothers justify saying the man is responsible for the relationship? Give me a break! If a woman gets cheated on, she probably deserves it. A man needs sex and if his wife is a battle axe — a disprectful, loud-mouthed, unappreciative, controlling jezebel — how is that my responsibility? Of course a man in a situation like that is not going to want to have sex with his wife because that is like having sex with a man! Unless you are a gay, down-lo brutha that likes sex with men, that ain’t gonna work! So a man’s natural need for sex will draw needy women to him. A lonely woman that is just dying to have a man to take care of can sniff out an unhappy man like a hounddog. Therefore even if you are not looking to cheat, what is the likelihood that you are going to be able to resist that?

  7. Kikelomo Ofori says:

    I have to agree with my hubby Jermaine. If we were to cheat on Yahweh it can’t be his fault. Ones level of commitment depends on him or her not what others do or how they treat you. We often forget the the rule of do unto others as u want others to do unto u applies greatly in marriage. There is a thin line we cross and everyone has to account for theirs and only their actions on the day of judgement. Adam tried to blame eve and Yahweh and we see where that left him and the rest of humanity. Blaming another for our decisions doesn’t work, it doesn’t work when our kids do it and say he made me or she made me, and it won’t work with us as children of Yahweh.

  8. Dr. Intimacy says:

    Ok all great points, I just want to iterate again that when you actually read the entire article you will see that the word “blame” was put there just to provoke a response and I explain that.

    @ the men who have posted
    What have you to say to ‘A Real Brutha’?

  9. Nicola says:

    I think both spouses are to blame, christian or non-christian because you are still both human beings that already have an innate instinct of right and wrong. Respect, honor, loyalty, love and commitment (which all require self sacrifice at some point in the relationship) are just a part of being a human and being involved in relationship which are the things that are broken when infidelty takes place. The fact that the infidelty takes place is evident that these things are not being upheld in the relationship on both sides if internal examination by both parties is done truthfully, the signs given are are just manifestations of this. In the face of the breach in the relationship, if both parties are willing, I do believe it can be repaired.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for this post. I was just found out of cheating on my wife and don’t know what to do. You’re post has helped me realize that I need God’s forgiveness and also my wife’s forgiveness.

    I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but you’re post gave me some hope of reconciliation.
    God bless.

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Dear Anonymous,

      I just wanted to encourage you in your current trial. I pray that your wife will forgive you and just as importantly that you will forgive yourself. I hope that you have severed all ties with the person you were having the affair with. You cannot move forward until you cut all ties. Please consider ordering a copy of The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook and the teaching CDs. I think it will help you alot. You and your wife can read it together too. It will help her forgive you. Check out the book page on this blog to find out how to order it. You are in my prayers.

  11. Anthony says:

    I think both are to be blame. Though it seems that the one cheated should bear more responsibilites…but well, who are we to judge?

  12. Donna says:

    Hello. I am a christian woman who is having an affair. I do blame my husband for this affair. Not entirely….I made the choice. But I made this choice because of the choices my husband made. He told me he didn’t want or need my love. He told me he didn’t need me. He rejected me sexually. He also made no time for me.

    For those of you who feel that only the cheating spouse is to blame or be held responsible: BE CAREFUL to safeguard your marriage. There is a reason God tells us to give ourselves willingly to our partners. There is a reason God says for a man to love his wife like Christ loved the church.

    I am not excusing my sinful choice but please understand that we can steer others into sin with the choices we make.

  13. Daniel says:

    HI all
    I just learned about this scripture in the Bible, it say, “Husband Loves your wives. (PERIOD). Wife submit to your Husband. (PERIOD)” If one will ponder on these sentences which end with a period, does it mean a husband must just continue loving his wife even if she does not submit? Does the husband just have to keep loving her until she sees it and will submit? Do you think so? Just like Jesus (God’s Loves has no conditions at all) becuase He first loved us, (and He really mean He Loves us) so no matter what we do, obey or disobey, he still loves us and will forgive us right? Sorry but why i am sharing this is becuase i am also facing this marriage problem unitl someone just shared these scriptures with me. At first i thought his thinking was not smart but as i went back and kept thinking of what the verse mean and why it ended with a period (Husband Love your wife) and didn’t go into detail, i started to realize actually that we fall and we sin and we want our ways and are full of pride and becuase our wife does not want to submit to us we start to fool around to prove to her that we are a man. we forget that we had chosen to love her before we married her, but after marriage we start to take things for granted and we forgot what love actually means and we become self centered and that is where satan takes his apportunity to make us fall into templation. Now after seeing the words clearly and understanding that God’s Love is actually unconditional, i realise all the mistakes started because i did not die to Christ. i always think i am still myself. Jesus came to die for us because He Loves us, even at the cross he could have easily commanded the angels to take care of the soldiers and the crowd mobbing at him but He just obeyed His Father and bare the stripes and suffering to save us. He suffered for us he who had no sin, just because He chose to Love us and is willing to do anything for us. God is really Great. His Love is really mighty whereas our so called ‘I love you’ is just something we say at the moment when we have what we want, but when testing comes our love turns into hatred and animosity… so sad.

    Sorry i just got to realise my biggest fall, because when i received Christ as my Savior(30 yrs ago) i overlooked a lot of things and do not understand fully about God’s Love and now I’m wondering did I really accept Christ in the first place. Why am i not knowing?

    A woman is going to Divorce a husband that is a useless and good for nothing fellow!

  14. Forgive says:

    I found out during a marriage conference/retreat that my wife had had an affair. I asked her, and she came clean. I can explain it in no other way than this. God manifested His grace in my life at that moment like no time before (other than when He saved me by His grace). Immediately, I forgave her. She was broken, I was broken. I had always wondered, but not to the extent of suspicion and mistrust. But something that night made me ask, and she knew as well that it was coming out that night. When my worst fear was confirmed, God touched me. She and I would work it out.

    Now, I still hurt deeply, and I may for the rest of my days. I just don’t know. She was a virgin when we married. She is quiet, humble, and has never rebelled before. As we have reflected on the situation, there are a few places of blame on both of our parts. They are as follows:

    1) She had been taking antidepressants. They numbed her to alot of things. Though she was “happier”, she wasn’t herself. She quit these cold-turkey a month or so prior to this revelation.

    2) There simply was not the kind of communication that MUST be in a marriage. With 2 kids, 2 careers, etc etc, we neglected the time to be married to one another. Without communication from both sides, a marriage is nothing but a business relationship that keeps up house payments and babysits kids. I feel I am mostly to blame for this part. She did not share how her mind and heart were, and though I would ask, I did not persist or be consistent.

    3) Not praying together. This was our fundamental flaw. Husbands and wives who do not pray together are playing with fire. With bills, kids, jobs and the “business” of this world’s pace, prayer is a no-brainer that often gets overlooked and neglected.

    4) Satan hates marriage. period. He will do what he can to destroy the one thing that models Christ and the Church. He can’t touch Christ, and he can’t touch the Church (Believers, not walls), so he attacks the closest thing that represents them.

    There are other things that led to this, I am sure, but the above are the main ones we talked about and concluded.

    By the way, two days after I found this out, we talked about it, and we agreed that she should call him and tell him. After a few minutes, I was on the phone with him as well. I DO NOT say this in a prideful or boastful way, because I know I would be incapable of this in and of myself, but I told him that I forgive him too (which I did), and that I love him and would pray for him. He is lost, and needs witnessing. God helped me deal with the situation properly. This guy is an acquaintance of mine as well, so we know one another to an extent, and I do not want to see him remain lost. It is my prayer that the way God helped me handle him will make an impression. He knows where I stand, and he knows how I was able to forgive him.

    If nothing else is gleaned from this, remember one thing. Jesus forgave us. We should…rather, we HAVE TO forgive others.

    God bless.

  15. Kim says:

    In my case there was no hand writing on the wall. He kept it to himself and lead a double life so to speak until he could not take the guilt any longer.

    I was there for him in every way, emotionally, physically you name it. Hell I even lent him money for legal fees. Six weeks later he says “I”m not happy, and I”m outta here” moved in with the other woman and her child, while leaving me and our twins behind.

    They say most men don’t leave their families for the other woman, mine did, will he come home? I have no clue.

  16. OutofSin says:

    The immediate reaction of the cheating individual is to blame anyone they can, and that is often their spouse. In most cases the sexual acting out (cheating), is due to much deeper emotional issues that may or may not be related to the marriage.
    Certain circumstances can help bolster the sexual stupidity, but it is always the underlying emotional issues that are to blame for the acting out. Most spouses are blameless in the situation and are only blames because they make a convenient scapegoat.

    • Dana says:

      Thank you outofsin for ‘vocalizing’ this truth. Women are always blaming themselves for their husband’s poor choices.

      My husband’s been cheating off and on for the 6 years we’ve been married. I left him to his nonsense a few years ago but returned believe things would change. They did for a little while and then here we are again. For a long time, I blamed myself for not being what he needs in a wife but after really looking at who I am and how I was with him, I learned to stop blaming myself and find the root of the issue.

      Can you imagine a husband getting emotionally involved with someone else a month after being married? I feel I did everything for this man. He had even said, “you haven’t change, it’s me and I’m just not attracted to you.” I was beside myself because I committed so much to the relationship.

      At any rate, the way he’s come to describe what he’s dealing with is… This is an emotional thing that comes and goes. He actually compared it to Herpes [which I thought was gross]; how there are times when you have a breakout and when the illness lies dormant. He feels he has some kind of emotional illness that can’t be cured. But he won’t get help; he won’t get counsel and he won’t talk to his family about it. I’m the one always looking for solutions and when I feel I’ve found something helpful, he won’t pursue it.

      So after years of putting up with his depression, his sadness, his selfishness, I’m still here. Sometimes I wonder why but at this point…we have a beautiful newborn baby and I don’t want to ruin her life by leaving or telling him to leave. BUT, I can’t continue to put up with him if this is how he’s going to be. He was cheating while I was pregnant and I suspected something was up [because I know the behaviors at this point]. Turns out I was right. He was having an affair, going to see this girl various times in my car, taking her out with my money and then coming home to me like nothing. One night, he was very rough in bed and I prayed to the Lord that He would not let him ‘finish’ if this it was a lust spirit. And you know he did not – and he was very frustrated as a result. Then I knew my husband needed to be delivered from lust. Let’s not even touch on the issue that he’d been with another woman. While I wanted to be furious with him, 1. I was pregnant so I didn’t want to cause stress on the baby; 2. I chose to trust God. I just kept asking God for wisdom in how to deal with him. He gave me love for my lying and cheating husband and a peace that until this day I don’t understand. I have to laugh. But at the same time, He caused me to try and see my husband’s perspective. I spoke with the young lady who felt I was stupid for staying with him [because she knows what she did with my husband].

      the problem with all of this is that at the time, my husband was pastoring a new church. I interpret God’s peace as telling me He’s going to take care of it. Well, sadly, the church stopped growing and dwindled to the point of no one coming at all. I had to convince my husband that because of his choices – not just cheating but that was the huge one – the ministry was not ‘in the blessing’. God was not blessing his efforts, which were vast. It was amazing. I don’t think I’d seen anyone fail so miserably before. I’d been telling him that we need to be in our mother church but he wouldn’t listen. He wanted to keep going and was digging a hole for himself that I seemed to be the only one who saw. His mother thought I was being to hard on him; the leaders thought he should keep going – God will see him through his trial; etc. When the money ran out; we couldn’t continue paying for the location and musician, he finally decided it was time to ‘close up shop’ so to speak. We’d spend countless dollars on promotions, offerings, helping the people we were serving; gas, time. We’d even moved to the area to be closer to the people we were ministering to. All the while, I knew my husband wasn’t making the best choices but he wouldn’t listen to what I had to say. I had to just be the supportive spouse, once again. So here we are, far from our families with a new baby and a failed church in the community we were serving.

      He finally called the people to explain why we are no longer there at the church. To his embarrassment, they’d gone to visit and found out on their own.

      My thing here with all his decisions is, how long do I have to continue here knowing that he is not walking in obedience to the Word of God in several areas. He won’t seek help. How long will this continue before he is delivered or I am ‘free’ to move on with our child? I do not want our baby to suffer from his poor choices. She must grow up with solid values and morals.

      I wouldn’t want to stay together just for the sake of the baby. I feel if we ‘stick it out’ or decide to stay together, I would want it to be because we really love each other and see the value of allowing our love and marriage to be healed.

      • Dr. Intimacy says:

        Dear Dana,

        I am so sorry for your situation. It really does sound like a siutation where you married out of God’s will. It is likely that you and your husband committed fornication before marriage, which I believe is one of the number one reasons that adultery occurs in marriage. That spirit of fornication and lust that tempts couples and entices them into fornication before marriage lingers stays with the couple and then manifest as adultery (which ultimately is just another form of fornication).

        At any rate, you need some Biblical counsel. I want to direct you to an article I wrote that clearly outlined scripture for your situation. The article is entitled, “Should I leave my cheating husband”. I think reading this will really give you some helpful insight.

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Outofsin,

      I agreed with everything you said until you said, “Most spouses are blameless in the situation”.

      This is simply not true. No spouse should be used as a scapegoat when one commits adultery. However, those deep underlying emotional issues that you are talking about, well they become partially a spouse’s responsibility once a marriage covenant is formed. Every man or woman comes into marriage with some type of baggage and it is indeed the responsibility of a person’s husband or wife to help “unpack and discard that baggage”. This is a time-consuming, draining and tedious process that causes death of self-will, denial and a life of consecration and prayer – 3 things which most spouses are not wholeheartedly willing to sacrifice. This unwillingness to sacrifice is what eventuallyhelps paves the way to adultery in a marriage and thus both spouses are equally responsible.

      I think a greater issue is that a lot of people are marrying people that they don’t have any business being with in the first place! They are therefore unable to help their spouse with those deep underlying emotional needs – they aren’t equipped for the job. But is it not your fault if you get out of God’s will and marry someone that He did not intend for you to marry? So even in a situation like Kim’s where she indicates that she was a stellar wife; if a spouse is willing but unable to help their husband or wife, and thus cheating eventually occurs, both parties are still to responsible. God never gives us an assignment without FIRST fully equipping us to successfully complete said assignment, so if a person can’t handle their spouses baggage it is indicative of a marriage that should not have been formed.

      Other than that, adultery only occurs when you just have two people that are hard-hearted, prideful, self-centered and unwilling to die to self.

      No matter how the cookie crumbles, it still leaves both spouses fingerprints on the smoking gun to at least some degree.

  17. Jamie says:

    When a spouse cheats and commits adultery, it is a personal choice.
    the offended one will no doubt feel they had nothing to do with it
    but, ultimately they have to take responsibility for their action or inaction as well
    a certain website blames the man in the marriage fully
    and casts the success or the failure of the marriage on him
    if the woman commits adultery it’s because of the way the man treats her
    if the man commits adultery, it’s because he has a character flaw,
    he’s even stated that Hosea is responsible for Gomer’s adultery, and a clear reading of the bible would reveal that, obviously she had this problem before they were married, as Hosea did as God commanded by taking an adulterous wife,,right wing religion such as this should be avoided and a true search of the scriptures should be undertaken.
    ultimately we are all responsible for our actions,,no matter how little responsibility we want to take for them or who we want to blame.
    Divorce is never right, and although you may get through the legal process and be finished with it,,,the lasting effects of divorce never go away

  18. Dee says:

    I believe once a person cheats they will continue to cheat no matter who they are dating or married too. It is a character flaw and weakness in the person who cheats. They need to pick up their Bible and see what scripture says about adulterous affairs and divorce and the consequences that will scriptually apply to the cheater. Cheaters take the easy way out by blaming others for their behavior. I’ve heard it a million times, my wife doesn’t understand me or she never gives me sex. Bull. Just remember if he was cheating on his wife or girlfriend when he met you. He will cheat on you.

  19. Lois Grider says:

    Hi,

    All of the posts are interesting to read and give much insight.

    My son’s wife is having an internet affair and he has been so hurt and feels
    betrayed. They have 7 children ranging from13 years to 15 months. He is seeking the Lord in a greater way – it has put him on his knees more-which is a good place. She is pushing for a
    divorce and he is not complying at the
    moment because he wants to save his
    marriage. He is waiting on the Lord.
    I believe she may have had some post
    partum depression after the last child
    because she just went to bed and refuses
    to clean hous, cook or have anything to do with him. She finally got blood work done last week (waiting results) to see if she has a hormonal imbalance. She
    spends hours and hours on the internet playing games and communicating with this man. The children know about it also. She said she was burned out after
    having all of these children-she has
    chosen the wrong way to deal with it.

  20. Countin On a Miracle says:

    “…Is the other spouse to blame?”
    That, I’m not sure of. I think that in most cases, if someone in a relationship cheats, it’s because they feel that there is something missing. And I also think it depends on the people. Some cases are different. But even so I’m not going to try to justify it. But I’m just trying to point out a different point of view.
    I’m not married, however I am in a relationship. And I’m ashamed to admit that I cheated on him. My boyfriend and I were going through a rough spot and I had met another guy. We started out as friends and enjoyed each other’s company. But as time went on it started to become a little more. My boyfriend and I are both christian and we also are strongly against premarital sex. And even though I cheated I still stuck by that. I was involved with this guy for a while. And in the beginning I felt that while it wasn’t the right thing to do, I wanted to feel happy, and needed to feel wanted. But after time went by my feelings of guilt began to grow stronger.
    I had tried to break it off with the other person numerous times. But I was so worried that he would tell that I couldn’t bring myself to end it. (Talk about no will power). But eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand seeing my boyfriend so sad that I was spending so much time with another guy. I broke off contact with the other guy. And every day I wake up and I just hate who I am for wronging him like that, and I pray every night for forgiveness. I haven’t been able to tell my boyfriend. I realized that I have already hurt him enough, and telling him that would just destroy him. He’s the sweetest guy (in my opinion) and I admit he deserves better. But I love him so much. And surprisingly, during my time with the other guy I realized that. Before that I hadn’t fully realized just how much I loved my boyfriend.
    Now I strive to be the best person I can be to my boyfriend. But just the fact that I was spending so much time with another guy had hurt him so much. I can’t bear to think of what would happen to him if he found out what I did. I realize that what I did was extremely wrong, and in answer to the original topic; in some cases some of the blame can and/or should be placed on the other spouse, but the majority of it should be placed on the one at fault. In my case I know it was all my fault. And I pray that the Lord will find it in himself to forgive me. Knowing that will help make the guilt a little more bearable.

    Do you think I am wrong in not telling my boyfriend?

  21. Bella says:

    Wow… I am surprised how many christians on here would blame both spouses. One person even said ” Every man or woman comes into marriage with some type of baggage and it is indeed the responsibility of a person’s husband or wife to help unpack and discard that baggage” that is satans lie. CHRIST ALONE IS THE HEALER… As a spouse we have a responsibilty to bring our husband/wifes baggage to CHRIST to show them to Christ… point them to the cross… but we are not responsible for “healing” anyone or removing their baggage. WE ARE NOT THE HEALER. In the garden of Eden, Adam and Eve, BOTH blamed each other and the serpent… WRONG response… no matter WHAT a person does to us no matter how we are tempted… we are responsible for our own actions… Christ did not say “love your wife until she makes you angry” He said regardless LOVE HER… same with respecting the husband… Sure we can push our spouse away… our unloving gestures, words etc.. can make it hard but when we stand before God he is not going to judge us according to what someone else did/said to us… but what WE CHOSE to do… WE DID it not our spouse…

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      @ Bella,

      You make a valid point. “Blame” was only a provocative word used. I should have said are both spouses “responsible” or should both be held “accountable”. Blame was the wrong word. But as far as accountability is concerned, I would simply say that it takes two to make it and two to break it!

  22. Sharon says:

    I wish that people would stop making betrayed spouses feel even worst by thinking they are in some way responsible for their cheating spouses actions. Some people have a terrible “lust for sex and sin” and they will never be satisfied with being faithful to one person, and there is no one to blame but themselves, they are not victims. They are just prideful, arrogant and out for themselves, the bible talks about this and God makes no excuses for this type of person so neither should we! My husband and my Father are these type of people.

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Sorry about your troubles Sharon. Please understand that each case is different. A lust demon operates differently than a spirit of adultery. They function in two different roles even though they both result in infidelity. For the person that is plagued by lust demons, you are correct, there will be no satisfying them. However it is often times the case that the “victimized” spouse is really a victim mainly of their own failure to follow God’s guidance in their choice for a spouse. God gives us wisdom about who to marry and why to marry them, yet we choose to marry the wrong people for the wrong reasons and we suffer the consequences and even worse stay in the marriage when the Bible clearly states our right and sometimes even our duty to get out of adulterous situations. We are victims only of our own bad choices or our bad responses to other people’s bad choices!

  23. Val says:

    Dear “Doctor” Intimacy,
    Obviously you’ve NEVER been cheated on, congratulations.
    However, the longer I’m a Christian, the more Christian couples I see torn apart by adultery.
    It’s NEVER the other spouses fault.
    Many have started out right, marrying a Christian husband/wife and 20 years down the road, one cheats.
    The kids are not the victims because of the faithful partners choice, but the sinning parent.
    When you deal with it yourself, give me a call.
    I’ve been through this many times. Finally walked out of the last counselling session after being blamed for “causing” my husband of 24 years to cheat! Oh did I mention it’s been going on for 11 years?
    Just ONCE I’d like to hear someone preach cheaters into hell! They don’t get it, the cheater is selfish, egotistical, they think the world is there to worship them, they hurt the ones that love them the most, then demand you “deal with it”.
    The sin the probably are most guilty of is pride. Good old fashioned thinking they are the cat’s meow.

  24. Broken says:

    I cheated on my husband.. I ruined things. When I did I was so broken. I am not the woman that cud do this! But I did. This is very recent. Like last wk. I cudnt hide it from my husband. He saw it in me. He is so broken over this and so r my kids (Tween n teen girls). Now I have always believed That ur marriage is the most important relationship .. and I broke it. I lost my way 4 yrs ago when my children was hurt by family. Then my most important members of my family turned and threw me away. I went into a deep depression and my husband cudnt help where it counted… bcuz I cudnt find how to help myself. When I was about to go all the way thru w this act.. I cudnt. It instantly hurt so badly that I did this. And when I told him… I broke again. He broke. And now I am trying desperately. 1st I begged God for forgiveness. This is the first time in my life That I have given everything to God. I asked for His guidance. I prayed that w my husband who is trying to make this work. I am being totally honest w him. But watching him to make sure that I only talk when he comes to me…mostly..I run to God. I cry alot. I listen to my girls and talk w them. I read God’s word. Im seeking help. I have woke up to everything. I no that my sense of abandonment shudnt have come to such a head. I only hope That I come thru this better that my husband does too. And That we both stay in Gods hands

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Wow Broken,
      What a painful story. I can relate to a lot of different things you said. It seems like you are handling it the right way though. Sometimes the most painful situations birth out the greater purpose that we have been running from. the most important thing is forgiveness, your husband’s forgiveness and even more importantly your forgiveness of yourself. If you don’t both forgive there is no hope. Please seek professional counseling together. You can’t handle this alone.

  25. Rick says:

    Dear Dr. Intimacy,
    Thanks for being salt and light and a bright city on a hill in this dark world! I couldn’t agree more with your statement that “cheating doesn’t just happen”.
    It reminds me of James 1:14 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. 15 These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. It starts with a selfish desire to have our needs met at the expense of others. NLT
    Blessings
    Rick

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      you are correct Rick, at the root of adultery is selfishness. Also impatience because the person who is unfaithful is not patient enough to work on reconciliation or wait for the resolution of a divorce. Divorce is painful but it is much more painful to commit adultery.

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