“Should I end this relationship?” I get asked this question more than any other, which is why I chose to address this issue today. Unmarried people in troubled relationships always seem to struggle with whether or not they should go or stay. I would like to offer some basic wisdom concerning this question to help those of you who are struggling with similar issues to make the right decision.
First of all, most people who ask me this question already know the answer deep in their hearts. 99% of the time the answer is that you should leave. People only ask this question when the relationship is terribly troubled with issues such as fornication, infidelity, or being unequally yoked. All of these are good sound reasons to end a relationship, especially if you are miserable in it.
Secondly, people who ask me this question always try to justify it by somehow finding a way to put the responsibility on God to tell them to leave. This logic is as silly as someone who is a serial killer saying, “God I will stop killing people any time you want me to. I’m not sure what I should do, but if you tell me to stop I will.” God does not need to tell you to stop doing something that He has already commanded in His Word that you not do. He tells us not to fornicate in the Bible and He tells us not to be unequally yoked.
Thirdly, people often express that they feel it is their responsibility to stay in an unequally yoked relationship so they can lead their lover to Christ. This is such a deception of the enemy. As witnesses for Christ we can only plant and water seeds of the Gospel. It is God who will cause those seeds to grow and bring forth the fruit of salvation. It is amazing how these same individuals that “care so desperately” for their lover’s lost soul very seldom, if ever, witness to the crackhead on the street, or their boss on the job, or the child in the park, etc… You get my drift right? Saying that you must witness to this person and lead them to Christ is just an excuse that you use to stay in an unhealthy relationship. God would not send a crackhead into a crack house to witness. He would not send an alcoholic into a bar. He would not send a child molester to a child’s sleepover and He would not send you into the bed of sin to “rescue” someone when you have a sexual addiction! Besides that, once you have had sex with a person you have tainted your witnesses and undermined your ability to effectively lead that person to Christ because you are not walking in the light and the person does not respect you as a Christian.
Lastly, people always tell me about how hard it will be to leave. I’ve got some bad news for you — It will be even hard to stay!!! Let me share with you just a few examples from the lives of some of my counseled.
A lady I know has been married for 32 years. She was unequally yoked before she and her husband got married but she chose to marry him anyway. Guess what? They are still unequally yoked and she is so unhappy about it. Are you willing to wait that long for your boyfriend or girlfriend to change?
A lady I knew gave up her virginity only to find our her boyfriend was a player. He kept promising to change, but never did. Even though he was the only man she had ever had sex with, she ended up contracting HIV and later died.
Another young Christian lady I counseled was a virgin who was dating a very promiscuous guy that was not born again. He promised he would change once they got married. They finally got married (she never had sex with him before marriage) and within 2 years he left her. She was heart-broken.
An older Christian lady I was counseling was in a bad relationship where she and her boyfriend were fornicating. They were both believers but backsliders. She wanted to wait for him to give his heart to the Lord. She wasted 10 years with him only to realize after all of that time that he was not going to change. She was 50 years old by the time she finally left him. Now she is nearly 60 and still alone and heart-broken. I wonder if she missed her Boaz during the ten years she remained outside of God’s will for her life.
All of the people in the above cases continually asked themselves and others, “Should I end this relationship?”
Please don’t think I am not sympathetic to what those of you in this situation are going through. I am sympathetic because I have been there and done that. I had to make a decision about walking away from a long-term relationship with a man who I was engaged to. He did not want to surrender his life to God and I wanted to grow in the Lord. I chose God over my man and it hurt so bad for so long. But that was ten years ago, and guess what… It doesn’t hurt anymore. I cannot imagine how horrible my life would have been if I had not left this man. In spite of all of his promises, he never changed. About 2 years ago he drank himself to death. Had I married him, I would be a widow today. When I made that tough decision I chose God’s perfect will for my life. This same grace is on all of you who really want to do God’s will. Most people who ask me whether or not they should end a relationship claim to love God even though they are in sinful relationships. I don’t doubt that you do love God, but do you love Him most of all? Do you love Him enough to say “not my will but Your will be done”?
Am I stating that it is never possible for it to be God’s will for you to marry someone who you have a troubled relationship with? No, I’m not saying that at all. Often times our falling into fornication can cloud God’s will in our hearts and thwart His purposes. Fornication can ruin a relationship that He ordained; or it can establish a relationship sent from hell. Often times there just is no way to get clarity on it while still in the midst of a sinful situation. Take a step back from the relationship. If you don’t want to completely end it, go on a 30 – day intense consecration so you can hear from God. If the relationship is of Him, you should be able to carry out the rest of the relationship without sinning and marry as two clean vessels. You and your significant other will need to go through a thorough cleansing process TOGETHER. But if you know that the relationship is not of God, get out while you still can – before it ruins your life and abort your purpose! Please don’t stay in a relationship that is outside of God’s will for your life. You will live to regret it; you will miss out on your destiny and purpose in life; and may even end up in hell because of it.
So what are your thoughts on this readers? Have you ever been in this situation or maybe even find yourself asking this question right now? Let’s talk about it and let other readers know what your experiences have been.
In the Power of Love,
Dr. Intimacy
Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body
Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.
Insights from Dr. Intimacy 
have decided that its time to give myself to god. Im 23 and just left a guy who i was with for a year. I have deep feeling for him but i had to leave and it burns me just the thought of him physically being with another woman. I don’t know why. It wasn’t the best relationship which was sex based because we didn’t do much like go to dinner etc. I wanted to stay with him but he made a comment and i realised he wasn’t the one. Im in jamaica for 3months and im getting baptized here he asked me if i wanted to wait to get baptized when i get back to london so we could “do it” one last time. I was so angry because it was as if he didn’t take my choice serious, like its a game. When judgement day comes i don’t want to be left behind and tortured!!!! I have read revelations and its scary. We are in the last days!!! But i felt bad leaving him as he wants to talk and be friends- There’s nothing to talk about. I have questioned myself as to weather i have chosen the right path, but i always remember that comment he made and tell myself he isn’t worth my soul. I feel like im the only person in this situation. I want marriage and kids. Im sad and confused. Help!!!
Dear Leanca,
You have made the right decision! Just stand strong now! This will hurt for a short season but then you will be OK. Your sin has brought consequences upon you, but God is merciful and He will restore your life.
with love,
Dr. Intimacy
dear leanca,
he is not worth your soul i know mre than u fink i knw about this guy and he is not worth it!!!!!!!!!!
I am in a similar relationship ,based on sex,my boyfriend is separated from his wife and according to the law he can only file for a divorce after 2 years.he belongs to the anglican church and sings in the choir.he went on 6 week holiday.During this time i found that he felt annoyed if i called him ,he preferred to call me instead and refused to answer my calls and always come up with an exuse not to spend quality time with me on the phone,he also promise that he will call but he fail to follow thru with it. when he is visiting his friends,he also attend nightclubs ,drinking etc,ive started to lose my trust in him,He is will be back from holiday during this week .i promised to pick him up at the airport and spend the week with him.I love him so much and i want to see him for the last time ,just the thought of not seeing him again gives me headaches and led to anxiety attacks .Ive been through severre stress while he has gone on holiday.I want to serve the Lord,PLEASE HELP
Too be honest as a christian i know a woman who did get together with her now husband when he was unsaved they are both saved now and happily married its well and good to say wait for God but, i know several christian women who would make great wives and mothers still single some in their forties and fifties still praying for a husband that may never come. I notice alot of christian leaders are unwilling to discuss this topic i mean if God created relationship and family why is it only those who are outside Christ enjoy relationships and even if they break up have children . A christian friend of mine found Christ after she was married she is still married and although her husband is not a christian she once told me she wished she had been saved earlier i told her she got saved at the right time had she been saved earlier i doubt she would be married no she would be in the que of many christian women still praying
Minister Laneen,
Just an update…my (ex) boyfriend and I are no longer dating though we do remain close friends, see each other on occasion and speak often. I’ve explained to him the following…I’ve realized that I have been trying to do things my own way instead of being patient and waiting for God’s way. My mistake. I’ve decided that the best thing for me to do is to focus on Jesus, on building my relationship with him, forgiving myself, and not trying to find another man to date. I feel as though the deep love,understanding and forgiveness I desire cannot be given to me by anyone but Him. Once I feel secure in my relationship with God and He with me, then and only then will I consider dating again. And when and or if I do date again I will only date a saved, born again, man of God. There are times when I am sad because I do love my ex and do want to be with him and miss him but I also realize that we can’t be together the way we have been(selfish,in bondage & not putting God first, etc.), my sadness is normal and that as my relationship with Jesus grows my sadness will fade and prehaps also the friendship with my ex. For now I will continue seeking a closer, more intimate relationship with my Lord, sowing the seeds He provides me, trying to be a good example, attending services and I know no matter what happens, I’ll be ok, my life…it will all work out. I’m doing the best I can. Oh…and I just started reading your book and will be sure to let you know how things are going. Thank you! Lost
Dear Dr. Intimacy,
I hope this is the appropriate place for my question. If not I apologize. I need help and I’m just really unsure of what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. He was raised a Jehovah’s Witness but no longer practices, he did not have a happy childhood and still lives with his parents though he will be 37 this year. We where planning on getting married. We did start having sexual relations a few months into the relationship, I don’t know if it matters but he is my first and only. I’m not his. The problem is that about 7 months into the relationship it came to light that he was on the internet looking for a sexual relationship (or at least an online/cybersex relationship) This has happened repeatedly over the past years and he has become a habitual liar. In January of this year (2008) we seperated. We did not speak for two weeks. During this time I was tested for STD’s (Thank God, everything is ok!) and made a vow to God and myself that I would not have sex again till I was married. After two weeks of no contact I called him to come pick up his stuff. We ended up talking for about 4 hours. We ended up going to dinner and a movie about a week after that and the relationship again progressed. Just as a note I have not broken the vow I made. Anyway, I asked him if he had seen anyone while we where apart and he told me no. He lied. He finally admitted he had been talking with a woman he knows from work and when we broke up he went straight to her. They had sex 4 times during the two weeks we where seperated. I know we where seperated but I still feel betrayed and the fact that he is still lying to me is breaking my heart. I love this man and I still want to be with him. I just don’t know if I should be. He says he wants to change but he has said that every other time. He says he loves me and is willing to do anything to be with me. I do believe that he does want to change, but well I know this may sound a little nutty but sometimes I sense a real evil in him. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say he is possessed but there is definetly something in him that is dark, scary and out of his control sometimes, other times he is the wonderful loving man I fell in love with. I know we aren’t legally married but I am committed to this man. I love him very much and I know he loves me. I’m scared out of my mind that if I stay with him he will just continue doing this over and over. Is there anything, ANYTHING, I can do to help him? Please help…
I have prayed about my situation and I feel God wants me to stay with him. I will continue to honor my vow of celibacy and I will be purchasing your book because I believe it will help me and him. Last night we had a serious discussion about hell and what exactly it is. We discussed the story of the rich man and Lazarus along with other scriptures. He says that the New World Translation of the Bible is likened to an amplified Bible as it translates or makes it easier to understand verses from the King James Version. So, we went back to the KJV and that is what I used to speak with him. This event, that he would even be open to talking about, was huge! Seeds have been planted!
There is a part of me that wants to just do what everyone else says I should do. Drop him and run. Forget about him; move on with my life, after all I’d be better off without him!? I have lost respect, to a degree, from my family and friends for standing with this man, for loving this man and not giving up on him, not giving up on him coming to know Jesus. I am being viewed as weak and desperate. Staying with him just because I don’t want to be alone and a host of other bad reasons that I don’t think are true…
I stay because I love him. I stay because I know the man that he will be when he comes to Jesus, I have seen it. I just know. I can’t explain it, I don’t know how long it is going to take, I know it may take a lot longer than I think it will and that is what worries me sometimes. Sometimes the past pushes its way into my mind and I have to remind myself that I need to let go of it. I try to push past it but there are times when I ask myself what the heck I am doing! What have I gotten myself into?! He’s done me wrong and he, no, his whole family are Jehovah Witnesses! Why am I not running as fast as I can from this man like everyone else keeps telling me I should be!?! Sure it would be rough it the beginning but in the long run wouldn’t I be better off just leaving him!? It has been a rough past five years high, highs and low, lows. Then I remember PAST… it is past, he has begged forgiveness, is putting forth sincere effort, let the past go. I ask myself, what would Jesus do? And I know I cannot leave this man. Jesus would at least present the message and I have failed to do so for five years.
Minister, I respect very much the way you have put yourself out here for all of us to see. That we may learn from you. I have not heard from you yet but I look forward to your view on my situation. It amazes me how the Lord lifts us up when we have fallen, even when we have fallen to a depth that we are not sure we will ever be able to get to see a spot of light in the distance let alone stand in the full sun, he can and will lift us! I hope someday I have the courage to share my story with the world and help others also. Thank you for being an inspiration. Praise be to the Lord and blessings to you and your family.
I am going back and forth. One day I am sure I am supposed to stay in this man’s life and the next I get so angry about the past I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say it’s just to hard. I don’t want to stay. How do I know what God really wants me to do?
I asked him to not talk to her (the woman he had sex with from the one place he works at(he hasn’t been to that place since I caught him – I caught him, he only admitted it after I caught him)). She is calling him, something about she left yarn at his house and she wants to come get it. He keeps making excuses up for her not to come get it. Even this just sends me into such an angry rage. Just all the pain, the hurt he has caused come flooding back and I get so angry with him and take it out on him by complaining and nagging and trying to get him to understand how much this hurts! I just cry and ask God why? why can’t I just leave him? Yes I love him more than I have ever loved any other person (cept God) but the horrible things he does to me…why do I have to stay and suffer? How many times has he fallen on his face in tears begging forgiveness only to turn around and do something worse! I’ve already wasted five years. He’s the one out looking for sex, he’s the one addicted to his job and in love with money and material things why isn’t he suffering instead of me? I feel lost. I know I should share what I can about Jesus with him but why do I have to do it? Haven’t I suffered enough? I don’t know how to tell if it really is God’s will for me to stay around this guy. I want to do what he wants me to do and I feel as if I know he wants me to stay but I just don’t want to stay. It’s just so unfair. I just… I don’t know if I can do this and when I say that…I feel even worse cause I’m probably just being selfish.
I don’t have anyone else to ask about this that is a Christian, other than my mom and she’s obviously not going to be objective. I’m sorry if this isn’t the place I should be for help with this problem…If there is another place you or anyone knows of that I can go to get support without judgement I would love to know.
Blessings…
I am in a relationship for 5 months now after 2 yrs beeing single.He is a really good guy compare to my past relationship that was a total disaster. He is also a christian but we cant stay away from each other we have tried many times but we still find ourselves falling.I really dont know what to do cause its not his fault only both of us have that problem.
You will never be able to stop falling as long as you continue to masturbate, as you mentioned in one of your other comments. All acts of sexual perversion are linked together. I know that it is hard but you are going to have to deal yourself a bitter dose of truth about the effort that you are putting in, or not putting in, to stand in purity. Remember these three words “time, place and space”. If you spend too much time together, find yourself in an opportune place and don’t keep the proper space between you then there is no way you can “flee fornication” as the Bible instructs. Furthermore, if you and he are not ready for marriage then you should not be dating to begin with. It does not sound like you are ready to consider marriage at this time. You need to go through some healing first.
I know that many feel that fornication is itself the worst part. It’s not necessarily the fornication–though that’s certainly bad enough; but the devil wants your very soul. It won’t stop with simply having sex–your heart will turn away from the Lord and you will open yourself to all manner of evil spirits of doubt, confusion, etc. To persist in fornication is to risk losing eternal life, for the Lord tells us that His Spirit will not strive with us forever. Each illicit act hardens us to Him. It’s not worth it.
Wow, I’m moving this comment to a feature page! Very powerful truth friend, very powerful. I have nothing to add, I can simply say thank you for posting it.
I have been in this online relationship for almost one year now. It hurts saying this, but it’s the most terrible decision I ever made, back then I knew I had to stop it cuz it would only make me stay away from God and feeling more miserable than I already was.
I met this guy (who was then 13 yrs older, and I was still under age) online, and we started talking about our lives and family, and then he admitted his feelings for me.
Everything changed back then, and I also felt understooden loved and save around him, and also told him I had feelings for him, and soon we were boyfriend and girlfriend and told each other we loved each other.
However I was still a minor back then, so we had to hide the relationship, we were both scared to death that my folks would find out about our secret talks (often more than 10 hours per day) I know if they would find out about it, I’d be screwed up and was never allowed to use the internet again.
So we kept talking and talking that I would even stay up at nights till morning to talk to him, till I was exhausted and got irritated and went to bed to get some rest.
He told me how his life was before he was christian, and with how many girls he had sex, and how he repented and got saved and became a christian
But his actions spoke louder to me than his words. He would often get excited cuz of me (no back then he never saw my face nor knew me in person). He teached me really bad things about sex, and often got me crazy too, where I would tell him what I would do if we were alone in that bedroom etc, he even asked me to mastrubate together, so he wouldn’t have to cheat if he got on, very weird talks.
We broke up many times and I ran away many times (since my friends told me to stop it, and that he’s so dangerous and unhealthy for me).
However I can go tell more about this, but then I won’t be finished yet after hours, so I will try to keep it short.
Since I met him I really thought I loved him and that he was the only one who understood me. Untill I got nightmares about me and God put on my heart to break off the relationship and start going to church again to pray and not getting tempted again into this deep sin.
This relationship only makes me more depressed, sad and irritating, cuz it keeps me far away from God, I know I am only fooling myself.
This guy cannot love me, he doesn’t even know me in person and we never met, I also think he’s cheating on me with other girls online, and that kills me.
The idea of breaking off the relationship with him is driving me insane, it makes me feel like I will die without him and won’t ever be happy again.
Even when I end it somehow I keep believing in his words, and talk to him again, and this goes on and on.
I don’t know what to do anymore =( I’m sick of this and life.
I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 7 years. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has helped raise (their father is deceased) When I first entered into this relationship I was backslidden (for around 6 months) and not attending church faithfully. I still loved Jesus and still had strong faith in him and didn’t hide the fact. My boyfriend had been backslidden for a very long time. But, when we talked about out future he told me he would attend church with me, he felt it was good for the kids, although he didn’t think it was necessary. Fast forward a few years…My kids and I have been attending church faithfully again for around 4 years now….My boyfriend now classifies himself as an agnostic, and makes sarcastic remarks to me about church and God and does not go with us. We do not have a good relationship. I have attempted to leave a few times only to get talked into staying. We argue a lot. For the most part I feel like we are just room mates. We are not partners AT ALL. There is no communication. I never know what is going on in his life unless I ask. We are not intimate. We are not madly in love. I want to leave. His actions say that is what he wants, as well. But, when I try….he flips out. I haven’t tried to leave for about 2 years now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I feel so trapped. I just feel so guilty when I think about leaving. And I think a big part of me just wants to avoid the conflict of it. I know he will be angry. I am not scared of him. He isn’t a physically abusive person. He just gets angry and says mean things. I just don’t know what to do!!!! I know I need to get out. I consider myself a strong woman, but this whole situation makes me feel so weak!!!