“Should I end this relationship?” I get asked this question more than any other, which is why I chose to address this issue today. Unmarried people in troubled relationships always seem to struggle with whether or not they should go or stay. I would like to offer some basic wisdom concerning this question to help those of you who are struggling with similar issues to make the right decision.
First of all, most people who ask me this question already know the answer deep in their hearts. 99% of the time the answer is that you should leave. People only ask this question when the relationship is terribly troubled with issues such as fornication, infidelity, or being unequally yoked. All of these are good sound reasons to end a relationship, especially if you are miserable in it.
Secondly, people who ask me this question always try to justify it by somehow finding a way to put the responsibility on God to tell them to leave. This logic is as silly as someone who is a serial killer saying, “God I will stop killing people any time you want me to. I’m not sure what I should do, but if you tell me to stop I will.” God does not need to tell you to stop doing something that He has already commanded in His Word that you not do. He tells us not to fornicate in the Bible and He tells us not to be unequally yoked.
Thirdly, people often express that they feel it is their responsibility to stay in an unequally yoked relationship so they can lead their lover to Christ. This is such a deception of the enemy. As witnesses for Christ we can only plant and water seeds of the Gospel. It is God who will cause those seeds to grow and bring forth the fruit of salvation. It is amazing how these same individuals that “care so desperately” for their lover’s lost soul very seldom, if ever, witness to the crackhead on the street, or their boss on the job, or the child in the park, etc… You get my drift right? Saying that you must witness to this person and lead them to Christ is just an excuse that you use to stay in an unhealthy relationship. God would not send a crackhead into a crack house to witness. He would not send an alcoholic into a bar. He would not send a child molester to a child’s sleepover and He would not send you into the bed of sin to “rescue” someone when you have a sexual addiction! Besides that, once you have had sex with a person you have tainted your witnesses and undermined your ability to effectively lead that person to Christ because you are not walking in the light and the person does not respect you as a Christian.
Lastly, people always tell me about how hard it will be to leave. I’ve got some bad news for you — It will be even hard to stay!!! Let me share with you just a few examples from the lives of some of my counseled.
A lady I know has been married for 32 years. She was unequally yoked before she and her husband got married but she chose to marry him anyway. Guess what? They are still unequally yoked and she is so unhappy about it. Are you willing to wait that long for your boyfriend or girlfriend to change?
A lady I knew gave up her virginity only to find our her boyfriend was a player. He kept promising to change, but never did. Even though he was the only man she had ever had sex with, she ended up contracting HIV and later died.
Another young Christian lady I counseled was a virgin who was dating a very promiscuous guy that was not born again. He promised he would change once they got married. They finally got married (she never had sex with him before marriage) and within 2 years he left her. She was heart-broken.
An older Christian lady I was counseling was in a bad relationship where she and her boyfriend were fornicating. They were both believers but backsliders. She wanted to wait for him to give his heart to the Lord. She wasted 10 years with him only to realize after all of that time that he was not going to change. She was 50 years old by the time she finally left him. Now she is nearly 60 and still alone and heart-broken. I wonder if she missed her Boaz during the ten years she remained outside of God’s will for her life.
All of the people in the above cases continually asked themselves and others, “Should I end this relationship?”
Please don’t think I am not sympathetic to what those of you in this situation are going through. I am sympathetic because I have been there and done that. I had to make a decision about walking away from a long-term relationship with a man who I was engaged to. He did not want to surrender his life to God and I wanted to grow in the Lord. I chose God over my man and it hurt so bad for so long. But that was ten years ago, and guess what… It doesn’t hurt anymore. I cannot imagine how horrible my life would have been if I had not left this man. In spite of all of his promises, he never changed. About 2 years ago he drank himself to death. Had I married him, I would be a widow today. When I made that tough decision I chose God’s perfect will for my life. This same grace is on all of you who really want to do God’s will. Most people who ask me whether or not they should end a relationship claim to love God even though they are in sinful relationships. I don’t doubt that you do love God, but do you love Him most of all? Do you love Him enough to say “not my will but Your will be done”?
Am I stating that it is never possible for it to be God’s will for you to marry someone who you have a troubled relationship with? No, I’m not saying that at all. Often times our falling into fornication can cloud God’s will in our hearts and thwart His purposes. Fornication can ruin a relationship that He ordained; or it can establish a relationship sent from hell. Often times there just is no way to get clarity on it while still in the midst of a sinful situation. Take a step back from the relationship. If you don’t want to completely end it, go on a 30 – day intense consecration so you can hear from God. If the relationship is of Him, you should be able to carry out the rest of the relationship without sinning and marry as two clean vessels. You and your significant other will need to go through a thorough cleansing process TOGETHER. But if you know that the relationship is not of God, get out while you still can – before it ruins your life and abort your purpose! Please don’t stay in a relationship that is outside of God’s will for your life. You will live to regret it; you will miss out on your destiny and purpose in life; and may even end up in hell because of it.
So what are your thoughts on this readers? Have you ever been in this situation or maybe even find yourself asking this question right now? Let’s talk about it and let other readers know what your experiences have been.
In the Power of Love,
Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body
Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.