I am ashamed of what I am about to write and I have been ashamed for years. I am at a point in my life where I want a real and honest relationship with God, but things that happened in my life makes me feel like I am not qualified. Here is my story:
When I was 7 years old my half-brother told me he wanted to show me what my father does to his mother. I let him pull down my panties and mess with my private parts. I never told my mother until months later when she caught me kissing my pillow and I was teaching my younger cousin how to kiss the pillow to at seven years old, and that was sad. My mother talked to me and told me never to let anyone touch me like that again. But sexual perversion didn’t stop there. Still at seven years old one night my mother was asleep and I was up front watching Cinemax at 12am when a sexual movie came on and I watched the whole thing. From then I had to watch them all the time and I began touching myself. Then the worst thing happened; my cousin that I was so close with (we were like a couple of months apart and she was like my best friends) started watching them together and started playing that way with each other. Then I introduced my other to it who was 5 years younger than me. When I got about 13 and started to know who God was I stopped everything all together — watching those nasty shows and hurting my two girl cousin.
I hated myself and I wanted to die everyday but God would not kill me and I don’t know why. I allowed what happened to me to affect my younger cousins. I ask God why all the time. Now to this present day my cousin that is a couple of months younger than me thinks she want to date girls and my cousin 5 years younger than me started having sex at 14 years old. I blame myself for their messed up lives. As for me, I am a regular going to church person who loves the Lord so much. I have been successful in my life, but this one thing in my life keeps me so in bondage: I can’t tell you enough. I have been asking God that he take that memory away from my cousins’ minds my whole life. We never talk about it. I just don’t know how to truly walk in freedom. Before I get married and have children I want this spirit of sexual perversion gone from my life. I pray for my cousins because it is all my fault. Where do I start for my deliverance?
Please help me,
Well first let me say that your deliverance has already begun! Just in your confession on this blog your deliverance has already begun. Confession is always the first step to deliverance. There are three types of confession, most people don’t know this: 1) there is confession acknowledgement – this is you confessing to yourself. 2) there is confession admittance – this is you confessing to God, and 3) there is confession exposure – this is you confessing to other people. You have implemented all three steps of confession.
You have also begun the process of discovery. Discovery is when you explore your past to discover where the doors of perversion opened up. This process is usually lengthy because in most cases there are many paths that led to perversion. But you have made a great start talking about what your half-brother did to you and how you began watching pornography.
There are 12 steps to deliverance as the Holy Spirit revealed it to me. You have already implemented at least 4 of the 12. However, you are falling way short on forgiveness. You have not forgiven yourself! There will never be deliverance without forgiveness for first yourself and second for those that have hurt you. The whole point of discovery is to understand why you did what you did and close those doors forever – it’s not to beat yourself down with shame and condemnation or hold your victimizers hostage.
You are experiencing what I call the “guilt phenomenon” that happens when a person commits an act of pedophilia. To take away a child’s sexual innocence is the greatest offense that once could ever commit. People don’t really understand why this is since most people don’t understand the true power and spiritual significance of sex. But the deep spiritual knowing that a child has been tampered with and has lost something that can never again be found — that deep spiritual knowing which cannot always be comprehended in the forefront of one’s intellectual mind — is what causes that unbearable weight of guilt and shame that you are now experiencing.
The reason that I call it a phenomenon is simply because guilt imprisons a soul; and within the prison of guilt the Loving touch of God is not allowed to enter in to administer healing and wholeness. A sense of shame usually perpetuates the onset of perversion and molestation to begin with. Why? Because the power of sexual pleasure alleviates stress and pain and shame, even if just for a few moments. Sexual pleasure medicates the soul for a few precious moments of escape from the tormenting pain of shame and stress. pedophilia is common when you yourself have experienced pain, guilt and shame because such events made you feel helpless and to subject another child to the same sense of helplessness somehow makes you feel more normal – “That wasn’t bad what happened to me, this is just what people do. See, I’m doing it too?!”
Yet here is where it really becomes a phenomenon: in most cases the act of pedophilia although bringing relief initially, afterward only perpetuates the guilt and causes the committer to need to do it again and again for continual relief. The committer feels worse after each act and thus more compelled to do it again. Thus you have the statistics in society today that says a pedophile cannot be rehabilitated. It is unfortunate that law enforcement and the medical community will not acknowledge the spiritual root of pedophilia so that people can get help! They can be rehabilitated if only they can forgive themselves and get healed.
Having said all of that Lady, I may have made you feel worse than better since you have probably never looked at yourself as a pedophile. But take courage my sister. Jesus is the name above every name, label and title. You are the righteousness of God through Christ and you are Holy and Blameless in His eyes according to the book of Ephesians Chapter 1. Now for your own deliverance and for the safety of your children to come – YOU MUST FORGIVE YOURSELF!!! Don’t stay locked up in the prison of guilt that causes most committers of pedophilia to be lifelong repeat offenders, and don’t risk passing this spirit onto your children.
What happened was not your fault sis. You were a victim who then victimized. God has forgiven you and wants to restore your life. As far as your cousins, He can and will get the glory out of their lives. Just continue to pray with them. Similar things happened to me when I was a child and I became very promiscuous too. But now I use my testimony of deliverance and restoration to set people free! Hallelujah!!! I am so glad for every violation that happened to me because now I can offer people hope and encouragement. You and your cousins will one day be able to do the same.
Lastly Lady I want to say this. I think it is critically important that you and your three cousins get together one day and have a heart-to-heart talk about your past together. Then I think it would be great if the three of you would each get a copy of my book “The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook” and read through it together. You can all sponsor each other in deliverance. I would even be willing to facilitate a session with you all once on the phone. They need to understand why they are the way that they are and you can help them. So if you want to take me up on my offer let me know. I’d be glad to help.
In the Power of Love,
Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body
Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.