Non-Sexual Adultery

What is adultery actually? Well the literal definition according to most English dictionaries is to have sex with someone other than your spouse when you are married. We don’t need to expound upon that definition too much, as it is pretty apparent exactly what that means. The only insight that I would add to this literal definition is that sexual contact, even when it does not include full penetration, is unequivocally adultery!

I can remember this one couple that I encountered. The guy was accused of adultery, but he and the other woman in question disagreed on whether or not they had actually had sex.  She said that they did have sex, but he said that they didn’t. He concluded that even though they were both but naked in bed together, kissing, humping and climaxing – it didn’t count because he only ‘peeked his head in’ without fully penetrating her. OK I’m sorry for that graphic description, but the ludicrous guise of deception that people are under sometimes is just astonishing to me. We had to spend months worth of counseling just to establish whether or not sex had actually occurred between he and his mistress, before we could move on to any real deliverance sessions! I am not usually this descriptive and won’t be often,  nor do I invite comments of such nature. Everyone once in a while it is just necessary to get really raw though, because someone reading this was offended at the guy I just described… until they remembered when they did the same thing! So let’s just be honest with ourselves my brothers and sisters, so that real deliverance can occur in our lives without delay.

But anyway, back to my topic. Outside of the obvious literal meaning of adultery, there are other ways that adultery can manifest itself in one’s marriage.

If you are married, pornography would definitely fall under the umbrella of adultery for you. Through pornography you are creating a sexual connection with another person. People watch pornography because it is sexually stimulating. As a married person, you should only be receiving sexual stimulation from your own husband or wife. That is why Yeshua states in Matthew 5:27-28, “27You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Pornography is commonly accompanied by masturbation and on-going sexual fantasy. Long after the video is no longer being viewed, you are repeatedly committing adultery in your heart and mind.

 There is also the most subtle form of adultery that has as of lately claimed more formerly faithful wives than you might imagine. This form that I am talking about is commonly referred to as emotional adultery. This happens when you develop and nurture strong feelings of attraction, love or friendship with someone other than your spouse. A frequent doorway for this type of adultery to enter into one’s marriage is through the forging of an internet relationship, which often times at the onset seems like such an innocent and safe way to make an emotional connection with someone. It also frequently occurs in close working relationships, between close family friends and with spiritual leaders or mentors as well. Really, any ongoing communication between two people can lead to this type of adultery if not carefully monitored.

For the broadest understanding of what adultery is – always remembering that we are to consider first the motive of the heart before we consider anything else – it is anyone or anything that you become intimate with. Yes, I said anyTHING too! Marriage is a sacred covenant that you enter into with the promise to love, honor and cherish above all else. Furthermore, don’t forget that marriage is designed to be the symbol of our relationship with The Creator. Just as NO one or NO thing should ever come before God in your life – aside from your intimate, personal relationship with Him – NO one or NO thing should ever come before your spouse.

You should not have a closer friend; you should have no secrets; you should have no greater love; no greater intimacy; no greater oneness; no greater loyalty, commitment or connection of any kind; than that which you have with your spouse. This includes people – especially your family and even your children. This includes places – such as your job and even more especially the church. And this includes things – such as sports, hobbies and even ministry pursuits! Don’t get an intimate relationship with God confused with public ministry. Your intimate relationship with God should always come before your relationship with your spouse – your public ministry never should!

Any bond or intimacy that you create with anyone or anything that takes away from the esteemed first place of honor that should be reserved and dedicated to your spouse alone, is a betrayal and a violation of your sacred marriage covenant. Let me put this disclaimer out there: I am not endorsing the use of this revelation to offset a free-fall of divorces on the grounds of “non-sexual adultery”. However, I believe that the absence of this understanding is destroying more marriages than any other weapon in this present day. The spirit of adultery is present in more marriages than we can possibly conceive. Surely, when the spirit is present and prevalent in subtle, non-sexual manifestations of adultery – it is likely that sexual adultery will follow. That is why it is so important that you grasp this broader understanding of what adultery really is.

How do you feel about what I shared in this article? Have you been a victim of non-sexual adultery or maybe a committer of such or is this absolute gibberish to you? Let me know your thoughts.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

7 thoughts on “Non-Sexual Adultery

  1. Gerald says:

    I was best friends a few years ago with another woman (who wasn’t my wife, incidentally). The friendship eventually ended, although the reason for this had absolutely nothing to do with anything untoward that we’d engaged in. Our friendship was very relaxed, and we always put God first.

    This friend was very intimate with me, though I didn’t reciprocate. Her motives were essentially spiritual. She wanted to “move on” in her life…with the LORD and with her husband, and as a person. Essentially, it was a ministry type of friendship. I had been counseling her for a number of months through issues of sexual abuse and rape. It was actually very moving how God brought us together (through dream interpretations), and I was humbled (and still am!) that he counted me worthy to minister as I did.

    While my relationship with my wife was at an all-time low (she’d just lost her first son @ 19 yrs. of age from a drug overdose), I was in need of fellowship, and God met my need through this friend. And before anybody would think to say that “You should have BEEN THERE for your wife!!”, I submit that I had never been exposed to such a type of loss. It probably wouldn’t have mattered what I’d done/not done…it would’ve been wrong.

    In short, I personally wouldn’t jump the gun and pronounce a judgment of adultery upon just any “friendship,” regardless of the fact that it might appear to be of that nature on the surface. It’s my understanding that intent plays an integral role in how God judges us.

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Thanks so much for sharing your experience Gerald. A few things about this experience stick out to me, the first of which being that the friendship ended. I can’t fathom why a pure friendship of such magnitude would come to an end, especially if such a relationship was orchestrated by God. Also you referred to her as your “best friend” and that struck a cord with me as well. No woman should ever earn that title because there can be only one “best” and that should be your spouse. Then you state that she was “intimate” with you and that you did not reciprocate. What nature of intimacy are you referring to and if the motive was pure why did you not reciprocate? Most dangerous of all to me is that you violated a crucial ministry guideline which is to never minister to a person of the opposite gender on specific issues of sexuality. That is a major taboo.

      Now I am saddened at your wife’s loss and your claim that you couldn’t be there for her at that time because you could not relate to what she was going through. Mary and John stayed with Jesus at his low place at the cross even though they had no words to comfort him. They stayed at his feet and let there presence speak the words that their mouths could not say. I cannot with assurance say that God did not send this woman into your life for fellowship at this time, but it sounds “unusual” at best. Your wife needed you and I wonder, I just wonder if you had really stretched out to be there for her during that time if God would not have anointed you with a new and deep level of compassion and done something incredible in your marriage that you would be blessed from for years to come. You see often in those breaking places is where greatness is birthed out, but we are so busy looking for comfort that we run from the crushing that would cause us to become brand new.

      Having said all of that, I certainly pronounce no judgement on the friendship. Please understand that I never denounced friendships. I said they should be carefully monitored and it seems to me like you did carefully monitor your dealings with this woman. Your assignment ended and you moved on is what it sounds like, or at least that is how you perceived it. The friendship does not bother me, only the fact that it was used as a replacement for you rising to the occasion to become what your wife needed during the worst tragedy of her life. My ex-husband checked out on me the same way when I went through the worse tragedy of my life. I was the loneliest, worse time of my life and I felt completely abandoned by him. Our marriage did not survive. I am glad you and your wife are still together. I wonder how the two of you are though

  2. Valentina says:

    Wow. Excellent reply, Dr. I am a firm believer in what you posted in your blog. The enemy is exceedingly cunning, and sometimes, he does not even need to be. I find that we, especially the “intellectual we’s”, have an excellent way of rationalizing these choices to ourselves. I have been involved in several “emotional adultery” relationships and have seen the enormous damage and the wedge they drive into a marriage.

    I am sorry to say that I have opened the door to many demons and have given them complete access to my home, marriage, and mind. My family has suffered for my choices and I hate myself as a result. I am currently seeking deliverance. I am a woman with a calling on my life and I want nothing more than to see that realized. I hate the fact that I have delayed my assignment for God. I hope that you can take a moment and pray for me.

    God Bless,


    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Valentina I am definitely praying for you! Don’t hate yourself woman of God. God forgets our sins long before we stop punishing ourselves. Failure is the most important part of the process for someone who is called to deliverance ministry. How can you help people get delivered when you yourself have never had to experience it? Please order my materials and let’s stay in contact. I will be doing more to help the public as things develop.

  3. Gerald says:

    **How can you help people get delivered when you yourself have never had to experience it?**

    The answer to this question lies in the fact that God honors self-denial, and enables people to minister to others even though they themselves may be in the “throes” of oppression. This was the case for me, when my wife was possessed of a spirit of grief at losing her son. God enabled me to minister to a woman who had a calling on her life as well (a pastor). Personal experience is not the only teacher/enabler for ministry. Sometimes it’s simply the appropriation of knowledge given by God himself, especially when we put their needs before our own.

    It’s easy to stand in judgment against people, especially when we allow our perceptions to rule over what is actually the truth of the matter. In other words, we can easily conclude something when we don’t know the whole story. More than likely, I was foolish enough to surmise that people might judge me for having “abandoned” my wife in her time of grief, and perhaps MOST foolish in having stuck my foot in my mouth by having mentioned anything about it at all. But I’ve found that on most occasions, people offer responses that are emotional rather than rational, especially when they either a) are taking up somebody else’s cause, or b) have unresolved related issues, usually regarding forgiveness.

    The fact of the matter is that, even though my wife claimed I’d “abandoned” her, in reality I couldn’t reason with a demon who’d taken over her mind and overruled how she saw reality. Most definitely, I warred on her behalf. And when she was eventually delivered of the demon of grief, she was actually able to SEE that it was a demon (for God himself had revealed it to us both in separate dreams), and not simply “You’ve abandoned me! You have NO idea how I feel!”

  4. Dr. Intimacy says:

    Gerald I am not sure who your comment is directed toward or why it seems that the tone is so defensive but please let me reassure you, in the case that the comment is directed toward me, that I was not passing judgement on you. As a matter of fact in my reply to you I said,

    “Having said all of that, I certainly pronounce no judgement on the friendship. Please understand that I never denounced friendships. I said they should be carefully monitored and it seems to me like you did carefully monitor your dealings with this woman.”

    You know in a platform like this Gerald we would be crazy to think we really know what someone’s situation is after just a few paragraphs that are custom tailored as a response to some article or other person’s comment. Life can be difficult and situations complex and a blog comment can’t tell the whole story. I appreciate you sharing your testimony about you and your wife and the additional details that you did not share initially about the spirit of grief that she was taken by.

    My thoughts on non-sexual adultery still stand but I never applied those thoughts to your situation. As far as needing to be delivered in order to help others get delivered, that is also a statement I stand by. Although I need to clarify it. I am not suggesting, nor do I believe that you have to experience a particular issue to help someone get delivered from that issue. What my position is that you have to experience God’s deliverance in some area of your life in order to help other people experience deliverance in some area of their lives – even though it could be in totally different types of issues. Everyone fails and everyone needs deliverance in something,

    As always though, your words are powerful and insightful and thought provoking. thanks again for sharing.

    • Raymona Jordan says:

      Well stated Dr. Intimacy, I strongly believe through our brokenness, we can still help others in their deliverance….through our Mighty God who has no limits. I feel sorry for Gerald whom I believe has demonic delusions and is one of the best justifiers I have ever heard. I believe if he continues, he will fall… and yet justify his actions. We all need to be careful in relations outside of our spouse. I will pray for him and others who think they can handle it on their own, yet deny God’s wisdom in this matter.

Share your insight or question

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s