My New Year’s Declaration!!!




In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

Experience TRUE Intimacy This Year!

It is the beginning of a New Year, a time that most of us take personal inventory of our lives. Part of that self-evaluation usually concerns our relationships. Maybe you are like many who experienced a lack of fulfillment in your relationships in this past year. Maybe you are so turned aside with relationships that your New Year’s resolution is to completely disassociate yourself from everyone! But wait! Before you pack your knapsack and find a nice dark, emotional cave to live out the rest of your days as a hermit, let’s consider a few things.

First of all, do you even know the meaning of intimacy? When I ask the question, “What is intimacy?” what is the first thing that comes to mind? By looking at a number of different definitions, I was able to conclude that intimacy can be comprehensively defined as: A loving, affectionate, close and familiar personal relationship; with detailed knowledge and deep understanding of another person; and furthermore expression toward that person serving as a token of the state of being intimate.

Notice that the definition of intimacy has nothing to do with sex. Perhaps the first clue to the lack of intimacy in your life is your misconstrued understanding of what it truly is, and how to apply it in your relationships. Intimacy is not something that you act out behind closed doors, in a candlelit room, on satin sheets. Intimacy is a nature that you have to walk in daily, with those whom you choose to share intimacy with. Intimacy is not something that you do – it is rather something that you are: intimacy is not an activity – it is a nature. Let’s look more closely at the words in the definition for intimacy.

Loving – as in “a sacrificial commitment toward a person’s betterment”. Love is a SERIOUS ACTION WORD with a defined series of what you need to do, and what you definitely should not do. Love is patient; it is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud; it does not dishonor another; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs; it does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth; it always protects; always trusts; always hopes; and always perseveres.

Affectionate – as in “releasing warm energy toward a person”. Affection is the emotion that gives you that “gooey feeling” inside. Affection is a genuine warmth that you feel toward a person, on a heart level, that causes you to seek out ways to be near them and show expression. Affection is infectious!  Affection has a strong drawing power. It makes a person want to be near you.

Close – as in “being connected to someone on an emotional level”. Being close means being vulnerable. You cannot be close to someone and protect yourself from getting hurt at the same time. Closeness requires giving of your deeper self and receiving of another’s deeper self.

Familiar – as in “awareness of someone’s way of being, their habits and methods”. Familiarity requires a time investment. You have to consciously observe someone over an extended period of time, in a number of different scenarios, in order to become familiar with the person. Case in point, you cannot have sex with someone you just met in a bar and call that intimacy because developing intimacy takes time.

Knowledge – as in “processing on a conscious level your familiarity with a person”. After investing the time to become familiar with a person, intimacy requires you to make use of that familiarity through knowledge. If you know someone’s habits and methods, you should put forth effort to accommodate them in a useful way – help them in their weaknesses and accentuate the person’s strengths.

Deep Understanding – as in “the wisdom to combine all of the above elements into a comprehensive knowledge and conscious awareness of who a person truly is on the deepest level, at the core of their being”. This requires you to have an intricate knowledge of a person’s hopes, dreams, wounds, weaknesses, strengths, fears, struggles, desires and qualities – in essence, the inner workings of their heart.

Expression – as in “finding it easy and enjoyable to share physically and outwardly the love, affection, closeness, familiarity, knowledge and deep understanding of intimacy”. There are plenty of ways to express intimacy without sexuality being involved. The first and most powerful expression of intimacy that most people experience is in the delivery room on the day of their birth, when they receive their mother’s first kiss and stroke on the cheek. This should help you understand that sex and intimacy are not synonymous, and in many cases have nothing to do with each other.

By the above explanation, it may be painfully obvious to you now that you are not experiencing true intimacy in your relationships. Perhaps there is a “coldness” in your relationship with your spouse. Maybe you have dated a number of different people over the years and just have not been able to connect with anyone in a meaningful way. But how can you expect to have intimacy with someone you are dating, or a spouse, which you have known only a portion of your life, when you are not intimate with the parents you have known your entire life? How can you expect to experience intimacy with a girl or guy you met only months ago, when you have no intimacy with the parents that raised you or the children that you raised?

If there is no genuine intimacy in any of your relationships, then you must realize that the common denominator is YOU. You are the problem; not the person you are married to or dating! Intimacy should exist in every important relationship in your life and be expressed in non-sexual ways. Intimacy can be expressed through how you look at a person, the tone in your voice, or even in how you hand them a plate. It is expressed through gifts, words of honor, surprises and sacrifices. It can be expressed through hugs, kisses and gentle touches. These are the first and most important expressions of intimacy that can be shared with any and all of your loved ones.

And guess what… YOU CANNOT EXPERIENCE SEXUAL INTIMACY, IF YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY! Sex should be reserved for and revered as the Ultimate Physical Expression of intimacy; not used to create intimacy, but instead to share intimacy that already exist. Instead of using sex to cover over a lack of true intimacy in your life; instead of trying to use sex to fill the painful void in your soul that exists because you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, by keeping people at a safe distance – learn how to create intimacy outside of sex this year!

Start in your relationship with God. Next, learn how to be truly intimate with yourself. Use the guidelines in this article to take on the nature of intimacy in your relationship with your parents, children, and close family members. Share your new intimate nature with your friends, co-workers and church family. It is not until you learn the nature of intimacy, that you will be able to enjoy the experience of the Ultimate Physical Expression of intimacy with a significant other. So become intimacy – be an overall intimate person, and experience true intimacy in all of your relationships in this New Year. Enjoy the enrichment that intimacy brings into your life. Then you will be able to enjoy rich meaningful connections, even if you are single!

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

Ask Dr. Intimacy – Should I Leave My Cheating Husband?

This question was asked of me on the advice page. This is such a common issue and question that I am presented with that I thought I should address it as a general post.  It’s long, but it is well worth reading if you or someone you know is in a similar situation.

Dear Dr. Intimacy,

Where do I begin? After 30 plus years of marriage, living as a believer the entire time with a husband who lasted maybe two years early on in the marriage as a believer, I am needing sound biblical counsel. I have read your book and it was enlightening and very much on point within these areas of specifics. My husband has dealt in pornography, masturbation, adultery, and drug abuse most of the marriage. He has entered into a deep phase of porn, etc.

We now sleep in separate rooms. His room is like a pig sty. Whenever I step in there for anything, which is rare, I can feel darkness. Some years ago he was in an affair with another woman for several years. At that time I convinced myself to stay for the sake of our children. Once the kids were gone and grown I stayed due to lack of finances after a less than profitable business venture. Now it is simply not wanting to be homeless. The career I have pursued is challenging. I definitely feel a tug from God to become more available to Him, however I feel like I am tied.

Relationally there is only care and concern for my husband as a human being, erotic love has been a non- issue for quite a while now. There are too many diseases to be concerned with. And then the whole soul tie thing — I feel it’s all coming to a head in some way but I am not sure how. Just recently I had one dream where I felt terror and in my heart knew something terrible had happened to him. I asked Holy Spirit what did the dream mean (and He revealed it to me). In another dream after this one he (my husband) said that he was too far out there. He was screwing children, something he always frowned on others for doing. Now this dream really disturbed me. We have grands. This morning he called my cell phone by mistake thinking it was his drug dealer. I told him he needed to seek treatment and counseling and that he was going down hill.

He claims he wants to stop but his response was he does not feel like counseling will help him, that those places have a high failure rate. To me that is an excuse and he has not fallen deep enough. I feel more compelled to leave now than ever , should I? Voices of guilt are tyring to tell me that Jesus did not give up on me, and how can I spread the word to others when I can’t help the ones in my own house. Dr. Intimacy, he actually says he feels like building a closer relationship with me is the way to get him better. Well I have forgiven him for all of what has been done, but there is a large gulf fixed between us because our core beliefs are opposing. I told him if he sought help I would support him but I would not continue to watch him destroy him self.

I could go on but I won’t. You spoke on these issues in your book, what advice would you give somebody 50 something in this type of situation?

Seeking Answers

Dear Seeking Answers,

I have never taken quite so long to respond to anyone as I have you. Your post made my heart ache and even now my eyes are teary as I write this response to you. This is such a painful situation that you are in and I want you to know that I really prayed and took the time to seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance in responding to you. The following is what I believe the Holy Spirit is telling me to share with you.

You asked for Biblical advice so let me start with scripture. You said that your husband lived as a Believer in the earlier part of your marriage. Even though that was a long time ago, once someone has been introduced to The Savior, they cannot void out that experience in their spiritual account. This means that your husband is a backslider as opposed to an unbeliever. So I want to share with you what the Bible says in 1 Cor 5. Paul talks about how to deal with those in your intimate circle that are involved in sexual immorality. He says in verse 5:

You are to deliver this man over to satan for physical discipline [to destroy carnal lusts which prompted him to incest (sexual immorality)], that [his] spirit may [yet] be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.”

And then in verses 9-11 it says:

    “I wrote you in my [previous] letter not to associate [closely and habitually] with unchaste (impure) people–

    Not [meaning of course that you must] altogether shun the immoral people of this world, or the greedy graspers and cheats and thieves or idolaters, since otherwise you would need to get out of the world and human society altogether!

    But now I write to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], (like your husband’s drug addiction) or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person. (AMP)”

Sister, although your situation is probably the most heartbreaking one that I have read here on the blog, it is not the first time that I have been presented with its kind. The common thread of emotion amongst those in your position is – GUILT. People take upon themselves the burden of  “saving” their wayward spouse. You specifically said that you feel guilty and I can tell you most assuredly that guilt does not come from God but instead comes from satan – even such seemingly “noble” guilt as yours. Guilt breeds condemnation and punishment and the Bible says that there is no condemnation for them that walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit (Rom 8:1).

Seeking Answers, in the book of Hebrews 6:4-6 the Bible tells us,

For it is impossible to bring back to repentance those who were once enlightened those who have experienced the good things of heaven and shared in the Holy Spirit,

 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the power of the age to come

6 and who then turn away from God. It is impossible to bring such people back to repentance; by rejecting the Son of God, they themselves are nailing him to the cross once again and holding him up to public shame (NKJV).”

You see, it was never your responsibility to save your husband’s soul. For the Bible says that one man plants, another man waters but it is God who gives the increase (1 Cor 3:6-7). Jesus died for your husband’s salvation and Jesus alone can save anyone. We are not called to suffer for the salvation of others as Jesus has already suffered for us all in that sense. Once someone becomes a believer it is their own responsibility to grow in the things of God. The scripture above in Hebrews says that “it is impossible” to bring back to repentance one such as your husband. Does this mean that he or those like him can never repent or be restored? Of course not! For with God all things are possible. But it means that you (or any person) cannot bring such a one back to repentance. This is a work that has to be done directly by the hand of The Lord.

So what should we do when we have a person in our life that is no longer walking in the Light? We should do what Paul instructs us to do in the above scriptures in Corinthians my sister. We should deliver this man over to satan for physical discipline [to destroy carnal lusts which prompted him to (sexual immorality)], that [his] spirit may [yet] be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.” We should, “not associate (closely and habitually) with anyone (including a spouse) who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person.”

Seeking Answers, you have a Biblical mandate to remove yourself from the situation that you are in and allow God to deal with your husband in His own way, while preserving your own righteousness and allowing yourself to grow in the Lord unhindered! Not only would it be a good thing to leave, but even more so than that, you are actually in disobedience if you stay! God was even kind enough to warn you in two (2 the number of confirmation) dreams the way things are soon to turn if your husband does not repent and return to the Lord. It is time that you GET OUT OF GOD’S WAY and give Him the liberty that He needs to save both your husband’s life and his soul. How will you feel if he dies? How will you feel if he rapes your grands or some other precious child? You’ve been warned by the Holy Spirit sister and you need to take heed.

I know these are hard sayings, and please don’t think that my heart doesn’t ache to write them to you, but I do believe that these are the Lord’s instructions to you and any man or woman in your situation. Jesus very rarely directly dealt with relationship issues or sexual sin during His ministry on earth, but even He took the time to let us know that in the case of adultery a divorce is often times warranted. This topic must assuredly be of great concern to The Kingdom of Heaven for Jesus to have mentioned it. Jesus’ ministry on earth was not so much about teaching people the specifics of how to live the daily Christian life. The Apostles dealt with those issues in the epistles of the Bible. Jesus’ assignment was to preach the general truths of Kingdom principles, therefore laying the foundation for The Body of Christ. Yet He took time to teach on divorce and adultery saying these things:

“Jesus said, “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan. I’m holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife (or husband) and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery. (Mat 19:8, MSG)”

Does this mean that you are commanded to divorce your husband? No it does not. Jesus’ teachings on adultery were really pointing more toward God’s passionate hatred for divorce. Yet in that hatred for divorce, He did not want anyone to feel bound by Him to stay married to an adulterous spouse. Adultery is birthed out of the wickedness and lustfulness of a person’s heart (Mat 15:19and breaks the marriage covenant. Therefore anyone married to one that has committed adultery is released from that covenant with God’s blessing. But whether, you sister, divorce or not that is your choice. However, a legal separation is a mandate from God.

And in terms of supporting your husband in his supposed decision to get clean, the only support you should be offering him is to under gird him in prayer and to bless him with your mouth. You have given him 30+ years of support which he trampled under foot and wasted. If you were able to help him Sis, his deliverance would have been effectively accomplished and manifested a long time ago. There is nothing you can do to help your husband except getting out of his life and out of God’s way! If he is really ready for a change, God is more than capable of being all of the support and comfort your husband needs.

Lastly, in terms of your fear about leaving I simply say – TRUST GOD. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3:5-6, NKJV)” God shall supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory (Phil 4:19).  He took care of Hagar in the wilderness when Abraham sent her away (Gen 21:8-20). Surely He will take care of you. Don’t let doubt and unbelief be an excuse to stay in this situation. God will provide the means that you need to make a complete separation from your husband if you are really willing in your heart to be obedient. And by the way, did you know that the spirit of pornography brings on poverty? Your business will never succeed as long as you stay with this man. You think staying with him is a means of provision, but it is really a means of  poverty.

Sister, you said that God is calling you closer but you feel “tied”. If your right eye offends you cut it out (Mat 5:29). Seeking Answers, DON’T MAKE ANY EXCUSES for why you can’t get closer to God. I know that it’s hard, but if you are willing to make the sacrifice and stop saying “I can’t” but instead say “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13) you will grow in your walk with the Lord. You will never make it through this painful transition that you are about to go through without a close and intimate walk with God. And further more, in order to be able to really effectively pray for your husband and your children and grands (that they may be delivered from generational curses) you are going to need the Holy Spirit to rise up in you in a mighty way.

I pray you receive this Now Word for your situation and allow it to empower you to walk in a new season. My prayers are with you.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

Have You Had a Good Cry Lately?

Are you one of those people who almost never cries even though you often feel pain? Do you find it hard to cry even when you want to? Are you afraid to cry? Do you think crying makes you weak?  Are you scared that once you start crying over the pain of your life that you may never recover? If you can answer yes to any of these questions then this article is for you.

One of the issues that I often encounter when coaching people is the inability — or really the unwillingness — of many people to cry. Crying is an absolutely essential part of healing and deliverance. People often times don’t know how to use tears. Tears can be a healing balm, or a poisonous venom depending on how you apply them.

In all thy getting, get an understanding.” Isn’t that what the Bible says? Even in crying you must have an understanding of why you are crying and what to expect as a result of your tears. One of the main reasons people fear crying is that they are afraid the pain of their past will be brought back to the surface and overwhelm them. But tears brought before The Father in brokenness and humility will not produce pain but will instead release pain.

Let me just take a moment to explain to you the revelation that is hidden in human tears in the hope that you will go ahead and have that good cry that is long overdue (smile).


aa transparent drop of fluid or hardened fluid matter (as resin)                                      
: undissolved material that has been changed into glass or a glassy substance by heat and fusion:   close crystallization by high firing to make non-porous

While most of us know the common definition of the word ‘tear’, did you know that a tear can also be a hard, non-porous substance?  A revelation really hit my spirit when I read these above definitions in Merriam Webster’s On-line Unabridged Dictionary. The revelation is this: tears that remain in your heart, constantly warmed by the heat of anger, become hardened residue that imprisons your heart in bitterness and pain.

You should be crying almost every day!

Ok, I know that sounds a little bit over the top, but please allow me to explain. I am certainly not suggesting that we all ought to be crying everyday for the rest of our lives here on earth. However as we continually go through seasons of transition, growth and/or healing – yes we should be crying often. Now let me back that up in scripture.

2He called a little child and had him stand among them.3And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. (Mat 18:2-3)

Is not every true believer striving to enter into the Kingdom of God? Not heaven, but His Kingdom come, His will be done, on earth as it is in heaven:  that life and life more abundantly that we were promised by Jesus as a result of His coming? Of course we are; and Jesus Himself said that would only happen if we become like little children. Not just children, but little children. Being a mother of seven, if there is anything I can say with certainty it is this: LITTLE CHILDREN CRY ALMOST EVERYDAY!!!


Well, I’m glad you asked. One of the first things I present to my clients during coaching sessions is the necessity of crying over their childhood. When helping a client work through issues of sexual perversion for instance, I explain to them, “You didn’t just wake up one day and decide to be perverted. Perversion was injected into your heart before you had a chance to decide.”

The problem is that often times when that injection takes place in our lives, whether it is an injection of perversion, anger, depression, rejection or otherwise – we are often too young to realize that we should be outraged at the state of our lives. At a time of our existence as children when it would be as easy as one, two, three to grieve; we fail to understand that we should grieve because we don’t know that what is being done to us is wrong. It is not until we come to an age of understanding many years into our adulthood that we suddenly realize, “Hey, I had a mucked up childhood! Momma shouldn’t have done that too me! Daddy should have been there!”

Once the realization and understanding comes it will be dealt with one, two or all of three ways:

                  1) Numbness and denial

                  2) Depression and sadness

                  3) Outrage and anger

No matter how you slice it up though, the only way to work through it at that point is to cry those dormant tears that are locked away in your inner being; the tears that have become the glassy residue that has hardened your heart and interfered with your intimacy with God and relationships with people.

Still don’t believe me? Well guess what another definition for tear is: “a drop of clear saline fluid.” Did you know that saline is basically the salty element found in some water? It is saline water that is used to flush out wounds. The first thing the nurse in the ER does is find out how you got cut. Next, the nurse flushes out your wound to access the damage and prepare it for an expeditious and hopefully uneventful healing process.  In other words, through your tears you will wash away all of the debris and foreign substances that were injected into you throughout your life. The release of your tears, your saline water, will flush out your heart and rinse away the dead things that are covering up your festering wounds.

And here is another jewel of revelation: If you put saline water in a container and allow it to evaporate, you will be left with salt. Salt is a preservative. That means that everything that has been hidden in your dormant tears for all these many years has been preserved for such a time as this! You haven’t lost anything at all. God has preserved your joy. He has preserved your restoration. He has preserved your destiny. All has been preserved in your tears.

So go ahead, cry your heart out and become the salt of the earth that Jesus said you would be as one of His disciples!!! Below I have listed some scriptures for you to write down, memorize and meditate on. Don’t expect these scriptures to yield a change in you right away. But as you keep meditating on these scriptures daily and going before the Lord, your heart will be softened and you will be able to cry. I am confident that in time, whether it is a few days or a few months, the streams will begin to flow from your eyes and you will start to heal like you never thought you could!

Not a single one of your tears is ever overlooked by God. He sees each one and understands the significant meaning behind every fallen tear.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.  Psalm 56:8

When you seek the Lord for deliverance you should seek him with tears. God resists the proud, but a broken spirit and a contrite heart will never be despised by God.

“In those days, at that time,” declares the LORD,
“the people of Israel and the people of Judah together
will go in tears to seek the LORD their God. Jer 50:4

Your tears create a noticeable fragrance that gets the Lord’s attention – they perfume the atmosphere with repentance and brokeness and God responds with His mercy and restoration.

 “And as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.” Luke 7:38

Jesus being no less than God Himself, had to come before the Father with tears when His deliverance was on the line. If He who was without sin had to cry, how much more must you and I cry?

During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Hebrews 5:7

 When people treat you badly, you should never get bitter about it, nor should you turn to other people to offer you false comfort by joining in on your anger. You should pour out your tears to God, the one who is able to heal you.

 My friends scorn me, but I pour out my tears to God. Job 16:2

Understand that all of these scriptures teach you that if you really want to be heard in times of distress, in bitterness of soul, in the weakness of your sinful flesh, in the injustices of life… you must come before the Lord with your tears. He is so ready to hear you if you will just come to him in humility.

12 Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears.   Psalm 39:12

After your crying is over with, there will always be a great deliverance that comes about and a peace that comes to your soul.

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. 8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,   my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, 9 that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. Psalm 116:7-9 

Once all of the stress and pain that you have been carrying around for years is finally washed away through your tears — you find that crying often allows God to release healing to your body!

“Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people, ‘This is what the LORD, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you…  2 Kings 20:5

When it is all said and done, after your crying is over, you will harvest the Lord’s Joy!

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy! Psalm 126:5


Press through the pain and let the tears fall! You cannot harvest joy if you do not sow your tears.  


In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

Can A Person Be Born Homosexual?

The dictionary describes homosexuality as a strong attraction for the same-sex. That definition is too broad. A definition that broad lends itself to labeling everyone that has ever had a sexual thought about the same gender as homosexual. An attraction, which is simply a feeling, would not in and of itself put you in the category of homosexuality – anymore than being attracted to someone underage categorizes you as a pedophile, or getting sexually aroused when you see two dogs have sex justifies labeling you under bestiality. Be that as it may, you are certainly “at-risk” of becoming homosexual if you experience strong, same-sex attraction.  And perhaps you are actually homosexual, just having not given in to the physical act of sex as of yet. If you are doing it in your heart and mind, you have already lost the battle.

The question is often posed, “Can a person be born homosexual?” This is a good question and the answer is a simple and emphatically clear – Yes and No!

Yes, you can be born with an inexplicable inclination toward “reverse-gender” behaviors and same-sex attraction. Let me explain how I know this. I have given birth to seven children. At the time that I am writing this, my youngest is four years old and my oldest is 17. Having had the experience of being involved in training this small army of humanity, I can with certainty say that human beings are born with a vast array of personality traits. These traits range greatly from those most honorable, to those least desired.

One of my children for instance, is the very epitome of joy, and she has always loved to share this joy with any and every one. Since infancy, she has had the ability to transfer feelings of joy to others because she has such a strong energy of happiness emanating from her being. At the same time, she is insanely jealous – more so than any of my other children. Her longing to make people feel good, also causes her to demand to be the center of attention at all times. Now I have another child that is naturally strong and independent. He has from infancy, preferred to be alone. He taught himself to walk at eight months of age, while I was busy trying to teach him to crawl. Yet, he was an unusually angry baby – throwing terrible tantrums; getting easily frustrated; and banging his head in fits of rage. He was always like this, although he had no diagnosed medical issues of any kind. He had the ability to try the patience of a saint with his anger issues! So if the question is, “Can someone be born with negative personality traits and emotional challenges?”why, heavens yes!

Remember that it was explained that an attraction, same-sex or otherwise, is no more than a feeling. That is why people fall in and out of love in marriage. They felt attracted to their spouse at one point, and then at another time no longer felt attracted. Attraction is a fluid emotional state that can be easily affected by external influences and deliberately controlled. With any abnormal or unpleasant personality trait, characteristic or emotional state that a human being may be born with, every attempt should be made to correct it. Homosexual tendencies are no different.

 My son that had the anger issues is now 10. He had many troubled years at school because of his anger. Should I have just allowed him to succumb to his anger because he was born that way? Should I have just told his teachers after he threw books across the room, “Well that is just who he is”? No! He would have been in juvenile detention by the time he was eight. I had to teach him how to manage his strength and use it to his advantage. I used prayer, love, Biblical teachings and sought professional help as well. My friendly daughter that will walk up to a total stranger and hug them like they are her long-lost relative; should I let her think it is okay to be friendly to everyone? Should I not teach her to curtail her friendliness for the sake of keeping her safe from predators? And concerning her jealously – do I not have a responsibility to teach her that though she is a gift from God, she is not His only gift to the world?

You see my point is that just because someone is born with an inclination toward homosexuality, does not mean that the person should not be redirected toward what has been the established order and law of nature since creation. All human beings are born in an imperfect state. Yet if I have a child that is born blind, would I not do everything that I could to give her sight if it were possible? If I have a child who is born deaf, should I not pursue obtaining hearing aids so he can hear? Blindness or deafness does not diminish the value of my child at all. Yet they are abnormalities that will indeed make life much more challenging and difficult for that child. Therefore, if it can be corrected without harming the child in some detrimental way, I will opt for that correction.

The one thing that I am certainly not going to do is pretend that there is no issue, or try to force my child to believe that he or she is “typical”, when all of creation is evidence against that. This will only serve to shroud that child in confusion and darkness. It will render him or her helpless in their ability to make accurate decisions, with mindfulness of the maladies that will make life more challenging for them in certain instances.  By helping them confront their differences and challenges head-on, I empower them to either eradicate those challenges, or to overcome them by using other strengths!

So that is the ‘yes’ part of the answer; now to address the ‘no’ part. Using the example of my formally angry child, (who is almost as gentle as lamb now, by the way) let us continue. I said that he was born with an inclination toward feeling angry and frustrated. If he grew up to kill, could I then say he was born a killer? No. He was born with a bad temper, which was not his choice. How he responds and reacts to that anger; is his choice. If he responds to feelings of anger by killing someone, that is a choice that he makes. Feeling angry is not sinful; killing someone on the other hand, is indeed wrong. Homosexuality is the same. Having feelings of attraction toward someone of the same-sex is not sinful, responding to those feelings through sexual contact with the same-sex, is indeed wrong.

So yes, you can be born with an inclination toward homosexuality. But in order for your feelings of same-sex attraction to cross the border of actually being homosexual – you have to deliberately and consciously act upon them. This also means that you cannot become homosexual through molestation. If someone puts heroin in your food and exposes you to the drug, that does not by default make you a drug addict. You will only become a drug addict if you choose, to yield to the temptation that the experience produces in you, to use heroin again. You then become a drug addict by choice. Homosexual attractions could be inherent, but a homosexual lifestyle is a choice.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

What Are Your Surroundings Saying About Your Inner Man?

This is an excerpt from a previous blog written on October 11, 2009

Six months ago my house was so clean that you could eat out of my toilets. My papers were neatly filed on my desk. My clothes were categorized in my closet according to season. Each of my 7 children’s clothing items were labeled with their initials and folded precisely in their own drawers. Whatever I needed, I could easily find because everything had a place. Anything that was out-of-place was immediately spotted because disorder is so apparent within an orderly environment. Yes order emanated from every nook and cranny of my home, including every closet, under every bed and even in the garage.

Last week tears welled up in my eyes as frustration set in on me. My desk was so messy that I couldn’t even find something that I laid on it just moments earlier. The floors were so dirty that we needed to wear shoes in the house. My children’s clothes were scattered everywhere: under beds, in toy chests, under the couch and in drawers that they did not belong in. I couldn’t find anything without going on a scavenger hunt through piles and piles of clothes, papers and toys! Junk ( or what appeared to be junk due to the disregard with which it was treated) was shoved into every nook and cranny of the house. There was total disorder, complete chaos.

Today I spent 7 hours cleaning my room up. As I was sitting here at my clean desk reflecting on the labor I did today, which only got my room about 70% restored to what it was, I had an epiphany. My surroundings were a reflection of the state of my inner being. You see six months ago, I experienced a life-changing trauma. It was a devastating event that I was not even sure I would survive emotionally, as depression was suffocating me and insanity offered itself as a welcomed escape. Before that heart-stopping moment, I was in a place of total peace. I was operating in my purpose, sure of my destiny and enjoying the effectiveness of my existence on earth. But that all suddenly changed when I learned that one of my children was sexually assaulted by a family member. I was thrown into confusion, anger, sadness, etc…

Little by little and day by day, as I slipped deeper and deeper into inner turmoil and chaos; my surroundings began to change. It was not intentional. I tried to keep it all together as best as I could. I was still cleaning and it seemed that I was doing the same things that I had always done, but I wasn’t getting the same results. I realize now that I could have bought the best cleaning products on the market and cleaned daily. It wouldn’t have mattered. My soul was emitting chaotic energy and that energy controlled the temperature of my environment. As I look around me right now, I have those tears in my eyes again. But they are not tears of frustration this time. Instead they are tears of relief.

My surroundings in this almost clean room speak of the peace that is being restored and the inner order that is returning. I am not 100% quite yet, maybe only 70% like my room. Nonetheless I am pressing my way back into the energy of God’s grace. His rhythm is harmonizing with my soul and I see myself not only being restored, but becoming better than I ever was before!

What are your surroundings saying about your inner man?

In the Power of Love,

 Dr. Intimacy

 Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

From Friendship to Fornication: Setting the Captives Free!

This is a story from my past…

It was just another night in the life of a broken woman – a night that had ended like many others before it. I was on the bed with my face in my pillow sobbing, soiled with the stains of sin’s residue. The events that led up to this night had begun six months prior when the assistant pastor of my church asked me for my phone number. He said that he was going to give it to his wife because he saw that I really needed some help. I had been out of church for quite some time. The filth of my spirit was way beyond obvious. I was annoyed with his request. I didn’t want help. I was bitter and not interested in being better. His persistence won out though and I finally gave him the number.

Unfortunately, his wife never saw that number. That very same day he called me six times. And he called me every day thereafter – at my house, on my cell phone, at my job – he wouldn’t stop calling me. I really felt that he was a dork at first. I used to do mean things like leave him on hold for 10 minutes just for the fun of it. He would actually wait too. He was really strung out on me and I was disgusted by it, but I found it amusing. I was too deep in sin to realize how evil it was for me to entertain this man’s pursuits of me. What he was up to was apparent to me. He wasn’t the first “man of the cloth” to run after me. These things never ended well, but I was cocky. I thought I could handle it this time.

In the mean time God began to soften and heal my calloused heart. He was restoring me from my backslidden state. Before long I found myself completely detached from the friends and life of sin that had become familiar to me. Suddenly, this dorky pastor was my only friend. Things took an unexpected turn. I began to look forward to his phone calls. I was feeling uncomfortable with the relationship because I was really growing spiritually and I did not want to mess up again. I always did just fine as a Christian until it came to the dreaded ‘S’ word. Yeah, that three-letter expletive ‘sex’.

I decided that I did not want to speak to him anymore, but he insisted that we were just friends. He said to me, “Preachers need friends too.” Soon, phone calls turned into visits and visits turned into a full-fledged obsession. I knew this couldn’t end well. I asked The Lord to intervene. I didn’t know what else to do. I begged “my friend” to please stay away from me before “something bad happened”. But he didn’t listen. He would come to my home and literally cry tears when I refused to let him in. Did I mention that he was married? To a beautiful and anointed sister at the church who happened to be pregnant at the time? It was really a bad situation.

After much begging and pleading with God that He would make this man stop coming to my house, after tearfully praying that He would not let me fall into sexual sin again – it seemed that my prayers had fallen on deaf ears. After six months of a purely “innocent friendship” there I was on my bed crying. The ‘S’ word had happened. He had to go home to his wife, and I was left to deal with the shame and consequent self-hatred. We continued to be together for a time longer and I thought that I would never be restored after this incident. I was just about to walk away from the faith again when my Heavenly Father stopped me.

God delivered me out of that relationship and set me on my destined course to set satan’s captives free. From that time on the Lord began to teach me all about sexual perversion and the spirits that oppress people influencing them commit such acts. It was a painful situation but it was purposeful. I am thankful and that is why I am writing this blog. I want to help people who are struggling with sexual sin. I want to teach you what I have learned about true deliverance and authentic intimacy. Together we will take back what the enemy has stolen and learn how to Love Free!

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

Who Is Dr. Intimacy?

It always amuses me when I observe the surprising look on people’s faces when they hear me introduced as “Dr. Intimacy”. This is especially true when it comes to males who find me attractive. I can see the alarms go off in the thoughts of those I encounter — alarms of judgment, fear, sexual lust and much more. Let me make it clear; I do discuss sex quite a bit on my blog, in my books and in life in general. However, the core of my heart is illuminated with the LOVE Nature of The Creator and the True Intimacy that the authentic Love Nature of God produces in people.

Sex is a natural desire in every human being because it is the ultimate physical expression of what we think love is. However, always remember that having sex can never be used to create intimacy. Sex is either an expression of intimacy that already exists, or an exposure of intimacy that is not present. “Intimacy” is not something that you do, it is rather something that you are; intimacy not an activity; it is a nature. Allowing the Love Nature of God to illuminate your being will cause you to experience relationships with people and sex with your significant other like never before.

Understanding this, is a beginning to understanding who “Dr. Intimacy” really is. I’m not here to teach you the physical mechanics of sex; I am here to teach you how to be FREE in intimacy – Intimacy with God, yourself, your lover, your family, your friends and this world that we live in. On this blog we will be learning the nature, exploring the expression and dispelling the fears of authentic love – guiding us through the experience of  “Becoming Intimacy”.

The Naked Truth About Sex and all issues related to intimacy and relationships will be discussed openly and frequently because sex is the physical equivalent of spiritual intimacy. Therefore, through exploring sexual relations we will begin to unravel the mysteries of intimacy. We will explore scripture as well. The Bible is The Creator’s Love Letter to His Creation. He is LOVE. Through studying the Words that He has shared with us, we will understand more about how to conceive His Love Nature in our own lives and give birth to true intimacy.  The Bible is a road map for our journey and I will be your tour guide, unleashing the modern-day relevance of scripture as it relates to true intimacy.

You might be wondering how I became so involved in this topic.  I will be using this blog to post personal stories, testimonials, and bits of my autobiography — whatever I feel led to share — from time to time.  You might read some things that shock you. Believe me, I’m not trying to shock you or impress you. As the Bible clearly states, we overcome satan by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony! (Rev 12:11). This is my only agenda in sharing my testimony. I want you to know that I am speaking from experience and not looking down on anyone from a platform of judgement and disgust. As I share my life with you, it will become clear why I became so passionate about this topic. To get to know me better visit the “Who Is Dr. Intimacy?” category. Feel free to leave your comments.

In the Power of Love,

 Dr. Intimacy

 Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.