This article has been in my belly growing and developing for quite some time now. It feels long overdue, but finally I am in labor to give birth to a revelation that I believe may save some lives and some destinies… and maybe some potentially good relationships that would have otherwise been cast into the fire. So here it goes and I do hope I get some insightful feedback on this one…
“Another day lying on the bed in emotional agony; pain stabbing me in the chest as if a finely sharpened pitch fork is being plunged into my heart over and over again. I feel hollow inside, as if a vortex of nothingness has sucked my spirit into an abyss of blackness. There is no light anywhere around me, there is no joy, there is no comfort, there is no peace, there is no hope… There is nothing except endless, painful, agonizing torture every day.
They told me that it is a spirit of depression, so they prayed to break its hold over me – but it didn’t work. They told me that it was a soul tie, so they prayed to cut it – but it didn’t work. They told me to recite Psalm 23, three times a day for 30 days – but it didn’t work. They told me that it was a spirit of lust trying to draw me into sin and that I must fight against it – repent, bind it, and renounce it, and I shall be free – but that didn’t work either. They all had their explanations, but to no avail. Not one of their methods, prescriptions, remedies, prayers, or scriptures brought relief to the insane ache that constantly resonated throughout my being…”
Have you ever experienced this kind of pain? I know that I certainly have. It is the pain and agony that many experience as a relationship ends. It is the type of pain that is indescribable. It is the type of feeling that only those who have felt it can relate to. I can recall one particularly sudden break-up that left me in this type of pain. The first night after the break-up, I was lying on my bed in the dark, barely able to breathe. Sharp pains pierced my heart with every beat. I was fading in and out of consciousness, as dizziness swirled around in my head. I was sweating and feverish. I could not stand up because my legs would not work. I could not eat, as every part of my body rejected the notion of taking in life-sustaining food, when death lived inside of me. There was the constant taste of metal and blood in my mouth, and bitterness in my stomach.
I was dying – I was literally dying, and it was the first time that I knew someone could really die of a broken heart. I longed for death at that moment. I wanted to die and I could not ever see myself whole again at that time. Thinking of my family, I knew that I had to somehow hold on. In order to make it through the night, I asked a friend to come and stay with me. I knew at the very least, I wouldn’t die there in my home alone. It was a rough night for her though. Every 30 minutes or so, I let out a piercing scream into the atmosphere, without explanation. She didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I didn’t know how to explain it. She asked me if I needed to go to the hospital. But, what would have been the point of that – Can a broken heart be fixed in the ER?
They of church and religion have for too long, erroneously attempted to rectify this type of pain through ineffective methods that often times lead to great frustration for the one suffering. Me being a preacher, I have been guilty of this error in times past. It was not until I had to walk through it that I understood the error in how I had mishandled people who had come to me in this type of pain. I repeated to those seeking my help all of the things that had been said to me, “You need to pray; you need to fast; you don’t need him anyway; God has better things in store for you…” These were all truthful sayings, but they acted as band aids on bullet wounds. The so-called doctors of the faith had misdiagnosed my affliction and prescribed the wrong medicine, based on their wrong diagnosis.
What I have now learned through experience and revelation of the scriptures is that relationships forged in sin, are not necessarily absent of LOVE. Before my fall, I gave way to the common perception of the church. That common perception is this: relationships that do not glorify GOD can have absolutely no element of genuine LOVE. The case with most preachers is that they believe they must immediately disqualify, without further review, any relationship that has even the slightest trace of sinful origins. I believed the same. Being a married preacher of the Gospel at that time of my life, safely within the confines of a “loving marriage”, I could not comprehend how two people could claim to be in LOVE and yet put each other’s mortal souls in danger. I know that I am not the only one who has heard the saying, “real love waits”.
What is “real LOVE” though? Who really knows, and how many of us actually walk in it? If the truth be told, many husbands and wives do not walk in LOVE with one another. Many parents do not walk in LOVE with their children. Many shepherds do not walk in LOVE with their flock. Many Believers do not walk in LOVE with their Savior. And yet, as is so often the case with the spirit of religion, the church society has SINGLED OUT “unmarried couples” to put on display as the ultimate example of a loveless relationship. While conveniently overlooking the hatred, bitterness, rebellion, jealousy, anger, depression, etcetera…, in their own homes and churches, they pick at the splinter in the eye of those that have found a measure of LOVE in some unaccepted or unconventional way. And why are these “unmarried couples” the castaways of the church-world, relationship ethics committee? It is because they are classified as fornicators.
In actuality, most people do not even know what the word ‘fornication’ means. What answer pops into your head when I ask, “What is the meaning of fornication?” If you are like most people, your answer is, “sex outside of marriage”. BANNNNHHHH! Wrong answer!!! Fornication’s literal translation is “illicit sexual activity”. Fornication is the spirit behind masturbation, pornography, adultery, molestation – and also, sex prior to publicly exchanging wedding vows (what many mistakenly refer to as “premarital sex”). However, by that definition, how much fornication is going on in so many marriages? If we apply the same blanket generalization to ALL instances of sexual perversion – that generalization being that in the presence of fornication there is the absence of LOVE – then even many married couples would join the castaway club!
One of the most powerful statements in the bible for me is found in 1 John 4:8, “…GOD is LOVE”. Yahweh GOD and LOVE are actually made equal in this scripture, without prejudice or distinction! Another of my favorites is found in 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, LOVE each other deeply, because LOVE covers over a multitude of sins.” You see the truth of the matter is LOVE is the most powerful force in the universe because LOVE is the very essence of The Father’s nature. John 3:16 says, “For GOD so LOVED the world…” The Father sent His son to die for our sins out of the pure LOVE of His essence. Aren’t we all made in the likeness and image of this same GOD who is called LOVE? Yes, certainly we are! Therefore every human being is born with the capacity to LOVE. LOVE is as natural to us as breathing. The capability to LOVE is a part of the standard makeup of every living soul.
There is no one that has become perfectly like The Creator. We are all striving to be like HIM. We are all born with a measure of LOVE, a measure of GOD’s Nature that develops according to how it is nurtured. It is that measure that enables even atheists, skin heads and murders to love those closest to their hearts. Although hard to admit, most of us know these things to be true and have personally witnessed a measure of LOVE being released through someone we would deem totally wicked. That being the case, why is it so hard for some Christians to believe that even though a relationship is forged in sin, there is yet LOVE in the midst of it? Two homosexuals can be in love; two teenagers can be in love; a mistress can be in love with her married man, and a married man his mistress; a john can be in love with his hooker and a hooker her pimp! And while it is certainly right and proper for a couple to remain sexually pure until they officially unite in matrimony (when that is a righteously appropriate option), we know in this world it very seldom happens that way. Therefore, if we are truly going to help couples that have fallen into this tar pit of fornication escape its grips; we are going to have to start by acknowledging the genuine LOVE that these people share. By attempting to dis-validate their experience of love, we push them into isolation and shut ourselves off from the revelatory insight that can truly set them free.
The bible reads in John 8:32, “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” We as church leaders need to be set free by the truth before we can set anyone else free with it. The truth that we need to know in regards to sinful relationships is that these couples do fall in LOVE, and their LOVE covers over the sin of their fornication. The conviction may be in their hearts, but it gives way to the LOVE that consumes them. Pease let no one misunderstand me! I clearly and emphatically declare that pre-wedding-ceremony-sex is sinful; IT IS FORNICATION. Homosexuality is a sin; adultery is a sin; teenage sexual love affairs are a sin. The fornication that is birthed out of these relationships is not a product of LOVE, it is a product of lust. Yet simultaneously, I am also clearly and emphatically acknowledging that there is still genuine LOVE in these relationships that is expressed through sexuality.
Please check back in for the Part 2 of this powerful article. Are you are a subscriber to the Insights from Dr. Intimacy blog? Be sure to subscribe to be notified of new articles. Your email address will never be sold or shared.
In the Power of HIS Love,
Breaking the bonds of sexual perversion ~ Healing the bonds of heart-2-heart intimacy…
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