Don’t Poison Yourself With Bad Memories!

bad break ups

Sometimes, when dealing with a tumultuous breakup, we think it best to get over a person by reflecting on painful memories, upsetting past events and  all of their negative qualities. The reasoning behind this method is that reflecting on the negatives of the relationship becomes the prodding rod that keeps you from going backward. Focusing on the pain or upset the person caused in your life is used to solidify acceptance of the breakup, and therefore such negative thinking is deemed a good thing.

However, I find this philosophy to be extremely flawed. Negativity breeds negativity! If you reflect on the pain of the past, it will punish your future. Such focus will keep you in a state of resentment toward your ex. It may also induce feelings of victimization, as you dwell on the issues that the person brought about in your life. It will undoubtedly embitter you toward similar people in the future, and may cause you to become cynical toward relationships in general. Worst of all, it will negatively impact your self-confidence. This is because, in essence,  no matter what negative qualities your ex had, YOU CHOSE that person. When it is all said and done, that negative reflection reveals more of your own flaws than it does the person that it is aimed toward!

My suggestion is to, instead of reflecting on the negatives of the relationship, reflect on the positives. You were with that person for a reason. In the midst of all that went wrong, there were some things that went right. You enjoyed something about the person, otherwise you would not have been with them in the first place. When hurt and/or anger begins to rise up in you, you should reflect on the good things about the relationship and kill those negative emotions. This kind of positive retrospection will cause you to rebound much faster. It will create a positive intrinsic environment, which is very therapeutic. It will build your self-confidence, as you commend yourself on choosing the qualities that you liked in the person. Most importantly though, it builds hope for the future. It will provide a positive outlook toward future relationships and reassure you of your ability to choose a partner that you will enjoy being with.

Focusing on why you were with that person will help you look for those same qualities in your next prospect. It can also help you evaluate the breakup, and whether or not reconciliation should be considered. Even if you decide not to reconcile, at least you won’t have a flashback, on a lonely night, six months down the road, and suddenly remember all of the wonderful things about your ex. Then, in an emotional overload, rekindle a toxic relationship!

As long as you do not allow your retrospection to become reminiscent, (evaluate the past, don’t daydream about it) you don’t have to worry about your fond memories causing you to go running back to your ex. In your evaluation, you will calmly remember that the relationship ended for a reason. However, if you remember all of the wonderful things about your ex at the onset of the breakup, and still choose to move forward, then you will know you made a solid and well thought out decision. A well thought out decision requires just as much evaluation to “undo”, preventing rash, emotional reconciliations that lead to repeated break ups, with the same person.

As you can see, the benefits of positive reflection after a breakup far outweigh the detriment of “ex-bashing”. So keep it positive, even after a difficult breakup, and you will attract Mr. or Mrs. Right sooner than you think. You may even discover, that you had him or her all along!

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Worship from a Holistic Perspective –

Breaking the bonds of sexual perversion and healing the bonds of heart-2-heart intimacy.

Copyright © 2013 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

Dreams Take Precedent Over Goals

Goals are developed in your mind, but dreams are established in your heart by God. We only create goals as a means to achieve our dreams. Our goals should remain flexible, otherwise, instead of helping us reach our dreams, they replace them. Don’t ever let your goals, get in the way of your dreams.

#MyDreamsAreEstablished #MyGoalsRemainFlexible

~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ © 11/25/2013

If You Believe It, He’ll Know It

Why are you wasting time nagging a brutha to death over how wonderful, beautiful and valuable you are? You repeatedly tell him that you can do better than him and that you don’t have to put up with the way he mistreats you — but if you really believed it, you wouldn’t be trying to get him to believe it! He’d be gone, and instead of yelling it, you’d be living it…


~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ © 11/23/2013

I’m Open, Just Not To You!

When you say I need to ”open up and have more fun”, what you really mean is that I need to yield more to carnality and make room for your defilement. Falling into sin is NOT my idea of fun, but I’m sure you’ll find someone like-minded to enjoy your life of compromise with.


~Insights from Dr. Intimacy ~ © 11/22/2013

You Go Your Way, I’ll Go His…

You’re pursuing your dreams and goals with all your might. I’m pursuing God’s purposes and will with all my faith.  We don’t share the same destination, thus deeming it impossibile for us to travel together productively!


~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ © 11/21 /2013

Guard Your Destiny

Forgiveness does not require you to subject yourself to the continued abuse of someone that does not respect who God made you. Even in the midst of forgiveness, complete separation is often necessary in order to guard the will of God for your life!


~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ © 11/19/2013

Outside of His Presence

Outside of His Presence 2


Life outside of His presence is a graveyard,

an empty shallow pit amongst a wasteland of forgotten carcasses,

whose forgotten dreams, vain accomplishments and ill-gotten gain

rot away with the bones that no longer support

the movement of a living soul.

Deliver me from the pit, Oh LORD.

Deliver me from this wasteland that I somehow chose over You!

My soul wastes away, but yet You live.

The God of the Living can redeem the dying soul,

as long as it still clings to life.

I cling to You, and You lift me out of my dark place.

Now breathe new Life into me. Restore my divine nature.

Cleanse me of this death, and we shall be one, in this life

and in the life to come…



~Laneen “Dr. Intimacy” Haniah~

   November 17, 2013