I’m a Pastor Addicted to Porn and Masturbation…

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My schedule does not permit me to answer as many questions as I’d like to on this blog, but every so often, I get a post that tears at my heart, and I have to stop everything to respond to it. The following was one such post that came in on the “Ask Dr. Intimacy” page. Below is the post and then beneath that, my response. I hope it helps someone…

Dr. Intimacy,

Thank you for your obedience to God and your willingness to make your personal matters public so awareness and deliverance can take place in the life of others. I have read most of the articles you have posted and I also have purchased your book “Sexually Transmitted Demons.” My question for you is how to do I experience real deliverance from the sexual perversion in my life. I can stop masturbating for a couple of days but the urges are so strong that no matter what I do it is hard for me to resist. I watch porn and masturbate at least 4 to 5 times a day and I try to stop. I try to find other things to do but it’s like I cannot have any peace unless I watch porn and masturbate then I am good. I believe, well I know, this has cost me my pastorate and it almost cost me my marriage. About 3 years ago I resigned as pastor and nobody knew why. I was so ashamed that I even left my wife and my children for a year. My wife was a virgin when we got married and I think I have transferred this spirit to her. I asked her to watch porn with me. I asked her to have phone sex with me when I traveled. I baited her into conversations about threesomes and eventually we had one and now I think she struggles with a lesbian spirit because she always wants to have a threesome with a woman. And during sex she only has an orgasm when she calls out a female name or she will have me call out another female’s name we may know. I can see her as we have sex fantasizing about another person as she climax. We have had a threesome with a close friend of ours and she always initiates it. This spirit has overtaken my marriage and I have tried with everything in me to reel it back in and whatever I do fails. It seems like the harder I try the worst it gets. I had a growing church and helped a lot of people walk through the difficult stages of their life but I am living with this dark secret and I could not in good conscious pastor and know I was struggling with sexual perversion so I resigned. I am trying everything to stop with no success. I have read books, blogs. I have prayed and confessed. I tried playing sermons and worship music when the urges come. I have watched your youtube channel and if I may be honest I find myself lusting after you. I think to myself why am I like this? I do not want to be this way. I can help everyone else and help fix everybody else’s problems but when it comes to me I can’t experience the deliverance I preach and minister to others. I know Christ. I know the power of the Holy Spirit. I do not drink or do drugs. I am a person of integrity and influence within my community but I can’t shake this. I said this the thorn in my side but I can’t imagine God allowing this struggle that has the potential to affect and destroy so many be allowed in my life. I take my ministry seriously and the souls He has for me to care after. I would rather die than to not be able to serve God so this is literally killing me.  Thank you for any help or insight you may offer.

CJ 

Dear PASTOR CJ, 

I put emphasis on “Pastor” because the gifts and callings of God are irrevocable until we die! Your letter really tore at my heart. You and your wife are, indeed, in a great deal of bondage and I will not pretend to make light of it. As I sat here praying about your situation and seeking a Word that could start you on the road to recovery, The Holy Spirit whispered this phrase into my ear,

 “Let guilt give way to conviction…”

That phrase illuminated my soul and I felt an immediate release as I received it. You see, that phrase concisely explains the process that I went through when getting delivered from sexual lust and masturbation, during my walk, as a Leader to The Body.

It is the worst kind of pain, when it’s the pain of self-condemnation, and that is what masturbation and porn produce. You are in the most addictive of situations because the very thing that makes you want to stop, also drives you to do it more! That thing is GUILT. Guilt is the emotion that produces remorse, which causes us to change our ways. But in the case of masturbation and porn, guilt only feeds the spirit. Guilt and self-condemnation empower the forces of masturbation and porn, making you want to do it more and more. This is because masturbation and porn are methods of escape – escape from chaos, failure, stress, sickness, disappointment, anger, GUILT… The same negative circumstances that drive any addiction, drive masturbation and porn addictions as well.

The cycle of guilt and release — condemnation and comfort – causes you to feel so hopelessly trapped. It seems to stop is as equally tormenting as it is to continue, but at least in continuing there is “some relief”. This is how it seems anyway, and I know this is hitting home! But the truth is that the pain of continuing is PERMANENT, while the pain of stopping is only temporary. That is a truth that you must CONSTANTLY KEEP BEFORE YOU. You should write that phrase on papers and post them on every wall, window, door and mirror in your home. And post it in your car and office too! You shall know the TRUTH, and the TRUTH shall make you FREE.

You have fallen into a cycle of believing lies, and the worse of those lies is that feeling guilty and self-condemned somehow serves as an act of humility and repentance that will lead to righteousness. Guilt will, to the contrary, UNCONDITIONALLY GUARANTEE that you stay addicted until you breathe your last breath. Guilt is the very opposite of faith, and doubt is the very worst kind of perversion. That is why Messiah says in Matthew 17:17, “O faithless and PERVERSE generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I suffer you?…” Doubt and unbelief opens the door for the strongest sexual addictions because doubt is, in and of itself, a strong form of perversion. And what good is our faith, if not for believing that we are JUSTIFIED – no matter what? “For the just shall live by faith…” Is that not what the Word has taught us my dear Brother?

So step one is to demand your soul to receive the TRUTH, the truth that you are justified not by your acts, but instead by your faith in The Risen Savior. Step two is to use that truth to bring subject every false spirit of self-condemnation and guilt that is fostering this addiction. If you are already justified, then there is nothing to feel guilty about. Which means going forward, you will not allow yourself to feel guilty when you watch porn or masturbate or have a threesome or…

WAIT! Am I saying to continue in these things? NO! I am saying that you should live in the freedom of grace and not the imprisonment of condemnation. The stress produced by guilt prevents understanding from coming forth. Therefore, by giving way to guilt, you suppress the wisdom that would yield deliverance. The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, He does not condemn us for it. With conviction comes forgiveness, cleansing andmost importantly, redirection. With guilt comes chains. Once you stop opening yourself up to the enemy’s guilt, you make room for the The Spirit’s conviction.

So my dear brother, make the very best choices that you have the strength to make each day. Plan a day of righteousness and productivity. Don’t plan sinful activities, but if in the midst of trying to live your day for God you fall, don’t let guilt come into your heart. Let guilt give way to conviction.

If you feel overwhelmed, to the extent of insanity, for the desire for porn or masturbation, know that in your flesh, it is a battle that you will never win.  Therefore, give yourself PERMISSION to live in the freedom of grace. Explore how you feel “led” at any given time. Does that mean that you are being “led” correctly? Not necessarily — sometimes demons are in the lead, sometimes the flesh is in the lead and sometimes The Holy Spirit is in the lead… But how will you know what is really in your heart, if you don’t allow it to come to the surface and allow The Spirit of the Living God to expose the dark things of your heart and wash them away. Therefore, live in the NOW of eternity, and Let guilt give way to conviction.

Calmly ask for and receive forgiveness for your short comings, and sit and talk to The Father about these things. You see, if you pray in faith for a desire for righteousness and then just believe for God to answer that prayer, you have to rest in that belief. You can’t fight to live right because then it is by works and by might. Instead, if you evaluate what you desire to do, at all times – without being anxious about if it’s right or wrong — and yet acknowledge God in all of your ways (this is key), it is then that the power of conviction begins to work. Suddenly, you become aware of how wicked your desires are. You will see firsthand how far away you are from righteousness, not just in your acts, but in your very essence. You will then LOSE the desire for what you once thought you could not live without, when you let guilt give way to conviction.

And that Pastor, is what it is really all about. It is not about stopping an act in the flesh, but being transformed at a heart level. Better for a wicked desire to be transformed into a righteous one, than to simply “overcome” and “bury” that desire. What good is using will power to overcome just the act, when your heart is still just as filthy as it always was? So when you become aware and begin to lose the desire, that is when discipline can push you to your goal – when you actually WANT to stop, as opposed to “knowing that you should, but not really wanting to”. Then, that is when you will effectively remind yourself — not out of guilt, but out of your desire to please The Father — that the pain of continuing is PERMANENT, while the pain of stopping is only temporary...

When you finally let guilt give way to conviction.”

And that is the Word of The LORD!

In the Power of His Love,

Prophetess Laneen “Dr. Intimacy” Haniah

Be blessed and be sure to order both of my books. You and your wife read them together. It will help you tremendously, but especially “The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Reference Book.” You can order them on my website, www.drintimacy.com

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Worship from a Holistic Perspective

Crushing the bonds of sexual perversion and healing the bonds of heart-2-heart love & intimacy.

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2014 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

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6 thoughts on “I’m a Pastor Addicted to Porn and Masturbation…

  1. Rev Walter says:

    This is a deep and powerful answer. God bless you for your deep insight into this. I especially was moved by your answer that we should not try to stop by our “willpower lone” as that may change actions but not the heart. Instead, let grace lead and learn to ask His conviction to lead instead.
    http://www.revwaltermwambazi.com

  2. CJ says:

    Thank you for your sacrifice of prayer and laying before God to receive a revelation as to the bondage I am experiencing in my life. I did not fully realize the guilt that was inside of me and the hurt I had from past experiences until I read your response of “Let Guilt Give Way To Conviction.” To be honest I had to pray all night and ask God to show me the area or areas where this was taking place in my life and why I choose to respond to adverse circumstances through porn and masturbation. You said the very thing that makes you want to stop, also drives you to do it more. That thing is GUILT. That blew my mind because I never saw porn and masturbation as a way to escape the guilt in my life. I was struggling with porn and masturbation before I pastored, before I almost lost it all. This morning in prayer God showed me where my guilt and anger toward Him was coming from. Eleven years ago, almost to the date (April 17, 2003) I lost my older sister to cancer. I can remember being a youth pastor and young in ministry at the time and visiting with her in the hospital and kneeling beside her bed, praying and asking God to heal her. I can remember it like yesterday because as I was praying I remember hearing a voice saying you don’t have an anointing to heal her and the voice laughing at me as I prayed for her. About a month later she went home to be with the Lord at the age of30. It crushed me because my sister was my best friend, she was my protector and when it was time for me to protect her I was powerless. We talked every day, even when I went away to college. I was so, no, I am so angry with God because she didn’t deserve to die. She was the good child and I was the bad one, I should have been the one to die. (I rebuke that spirit of guilt and self-condemnation but that is how I feel or should I say used to feel)She would call me and tell me not to go out that night because she had a feeling something bad may happen. She was like my mother. Our entire family is close, so I felt like since I was in ministry I had to be strong for the family and now I realize I didn’t fully grieve her death. I was engage to my wife at the time but I didn’t turn to her, I turned to porn and masturbation to escape what I was feeling and now I realize when I began to use porn and masturbation as a way to cope with the struggle of her death. Fast forward to now and why the struggle is so hard. I am in a waiting on God to restore me to ministry and pastoring and I am using porn and masturbation again to cope with the intensity and sometimes disappointment of waiting. Then I say to myself God will not restore you as long as you are struggling with this addiction (self-condemnation) and then guilt begins to take hold because of what I have done which gives way to the depression I am experiencing. You are so right because I do, no, I used to feel helplessly trapped. I used to feel like there was no way of escape and this is God’s way of turning me over to a reprobate mind (guilt and self-condemnation again). What God has shown me through the revelation He gave you is that I watch porn and masturbate because I do not trust Him fully with my life. I did not trust he knew best with my sister. I did not trust His grace was sufficient when I was struggling with my addiction. I do not trust Him now with my restoration and so I do what I have always done instead of trusting Him. Thank you Prophetess because through your sacrifice and His grace I am in my first day of deliverance and freedom. I know there will be ups and downs, struggles and lapses but I will trust the Lord and allow His Spirit to take full control of my life. I am now reading your articles on worship and waiting for both books to arrive so my wife and I can read them together. I am taking this journey one day at a time and I look forward to having you come and minister when God restores me to my calling and service to His Kingdom. Bless you and I pray God continues to use you and your anointing to help free many others. I was watching Chicago Fire a couple weeks ago and a person said “Recovery is not for people who need it; it’s for people who want it.” I want it and thank you for helping me see it and now walk in it. I will let guilt give way to conviction and condemnation give way to grace . Once again I cant thank you enough because I know what real anointing cost.
    CJ

    • Dr. Intimacy says:

      Pastor CJ,

      I honestly did not expect a reply but I am so glad that you shared your heart. Your response blessed me so much and I am so encouraged about this breakthrough that you received. I don’t always get such a specific word, but in your case it was so express and LIVING. I could have just pulled information from my book like I normally do, but God had RHEMA for you and you ate it, you shall live now. You and your wife and your ministry and your family shall LIVE in the abundance of all that your deliverance will yield and your testimony will set many free! Please keep me posted.

      With much Love,
      Dr. Intimacy

  3. I will offer this. Guilt comes primarily from breaking some legal principle;
    law if you will. Please read from Romans 6:14 through Romans 7:8. In these verses you will see that law is what empowers sin; especially lust. That is why it was necessary for God to include our death to law as well as sin in the death of Christ. In verse 9 Paul tells us he was alive without the law once. The only time Paul was without the law was after his encounter with Christ on the road to Damascus. Then the commandment or law began to affect his conscience again and resulted in sin reviving and defeating him time after time, no matter how hard he tried to avoid it. There was only one law in the Garden of Eden, “Thou shalt not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” That one law brought death to them and to all humanity after them except Christ. Paul goes on to say in verse 11: For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me.
    Paul tells us in I Cor.15:56: The sting of death is sin and the strength of sin is the law. Without law sin is powerless. “—for without the law sin was dead.” Rom. 7:8 Paul wrote in I Cor. 6:12 “All things are lawful for me (another way of saying, I am not under any law.) but all things are not profitable (beneficial); all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” In other words though he is not under any law he will not allow himself to become addicted to anything. As soon as a person discovers he is not under any legal restrictions, then all of his previous addictions, lusts,etc. will die and fall away. All their former power over him will dissipate. He won’t have to struggle to get free; this “Truth WILL make him free.”
    I recommend that the pastor begin right away by reading the above verses and then thanking God daily for “this great salvation” and the death of His Son that delivered him from the law. Since this is also a heart matter, it would be good to see this is so for yourself and then ask Father to cleanse your heart of all this that has had you in bondage.
    Blessings, grace and peace be to you,
    Justified
    P.S: If you would like my email address let me know

  4. ransomed1 says:

    Hi Dr. Intimacy, I was led by God to your blog by chance this morning after having a masturbation session, much to my frustration as this is something I have been dealing with in prayer, repentance to God for some time, I said to myself ‘not again’, beating myself up while not understanding ‘why?’. I was led to your article on Incubus and Succubus; which really frightened the life out of me initially (won’t be sticking my fingures into myself again or else, forget lighting a candle, loch a bonfire!…or else) but ultimately opened the eyes of my understanding, I also read the blog on ‘guilt vs conviction’ I have peace within that I’ve never felt before.
    I am a 34 year christian lady, so why do I masturbate you ask… I was molested at the age of 4 by my brother who was 8 at the time…am I still a virgin as there was no penetration? I’ve had that question for years. Because of that my sexual appetite was aroused and have had issues since then. I have never had a boyfriend or slept with a man. However I get urges (without ever having a physical experience) say once or twice a month. Gees just reading that I realise how evil satan is…masturbating but no sex experience that’s just wicked. Come from a home of preachers, but behind the scenes my father was physically abusive to my mother and us children. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, inexplicable sicknesses (light sensitivity, sinuses, gastro related disturbances, heart palpitations) from age of 26 for no apparent reason, am now doing much better. I frustrated that I’m not married, feel forgotten by God, am weary, some days I just don’t know why I’m still alive. I feel God wants me perfect before God grants me my hearts desires but with all the issues I have I’m afraid I’ll never get there. I’ve lost hope. Everyday I find some strength to pray and be optimistic, that can’t be normal. I’ve been to so many job interviews some with positive outcomes but things have gone really quiet, feedback is the companies are still reviewing assessment results final results will be advised soon, it’s been two months. I’m worn out with my life, all the praying, seeking…I’m about an inch away from letting go forever. Does all this have to do with my having a dark veil over me, consequences of my sexual immorality, abuse? Help!!

  5. Chris Jones says:

    Dear Prophetess
    It has been two months since God moved in my life through you and the revelation you gave me. I am writing to testify of how truly good and gracious God is. I have to be honest that the last two months has not been easy but God showed me something profound. I started off this journey trying to war and fight against sexual addiction then a true transformation happened when I truly learned the power of worship. As I began to let God in, see, I was pushing sin out but I wasn’t letting God in. True deliverance as you stated is more then getting rid of a sinful habit and the shame that comes with it. True deliverance is understanding that God truly forgives and wants communion with his children. I read some of your articles on worship. Worshiping God through music has always been a big part of my ministry, I can honestly say it wasn’t a big part of my personal life. I have since added worship to my prayer and meditation time and it has changed who I am. God is in me and through me. Now some may wonder how can this be and you pastored for so long. Well, if we would be honest sometimes we get in a routine and we sermon prep, we don’t self prep. We study to preach and not for our own personal benefit. We lead people and become consumed with their cares and the cares of the world, that we forget our first ministry is to ourselves. We have to keep the fire burning within. Prophetess my heart is aflame again and I thank you for your words and encouragement because they truly inspired me to get up and leave guilt, depression, and shame behind and walk fully in the calling God has placed on my life. My wife and I are doing great. We read your book together and she too has experienced deliverance in regards to her struggle. We have encouraged a lot of our friends to read them. So often we tell the bad and hold on to the good things that happen in our life. I just want you to know your work is not in vain. The word you spoke was not in vain. I will be eternally grateful for your obedience to God and the self sacrifice of sharing your story so others may be delivered. With Godly Love and affection, sincerely “I’m a pastor formerly addicted to masturbation and porn” You are a true inspiration and blessing in my life and I will continue to lift you and your ministry up in prayer.

    CJ

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