Intimate Confessions: Always Honor a Man’s Wife!

portrait of stressed young woman with cell phone

Intimate Confessions: One of the worst mistakes I ever made in my life was… this is a tough one… not honoring a wife’s request to end my friendship with her husband! In arrogance and ignorance I smugly told her that was a discussion she should be having with her husband and not me!

What do you think happened next…

…He and I ended up having an affair. See, that wife knew her husband had affections for me that were much deeper than he or I could see and she was trying to protect everyone involved. If I had humbled myself and honored her request, I never would have fallen. It is a mistake I paid for dearly and the consequences follow me to this day. That was not my proudest moment and that wife has never forgiven me, but at least I can use the experience to help others.

So ladies listen up: No matter how special of a friendship you think you have with a man, if his girl/wife is not comfortable with it, the honorable, Godly, lady-like and wise thing to do is to respectfully back out of the friendship. That woman knows her man much better than you, and even if she seems “off in the head” and there is nothing at all going on, you should still show the same compassion you’d want in that situation and not be a stumbling block. Your presence is adding strain to the relationship and that is not something that will go unreciporcated. Take it from someone who found out first hand, the very hard and painful way. PLEASE ALWAYS HONOR A MAN’S WOMAN, EVEN IF HE DOESN’T!!!

See it on YouTube here!

~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ {c} copyright 2015, Laneen DrIntimacy Haniah

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Going Through a Divorce…

…Well, Get Through It Already!

Divorce_Cakes_101

Although the above picture probably gave you a chuckle, divorce is a sad thing – even if you desire the divorce, it is still a sad occasion. But what’s even sadder than getting a divorce, is NOT getting a divorce! There is almost nothing sadder than people who are “going through” a divorce for years and sometimes even decades. From the wife that just won’t accept the fact that her husband does not want to remain married; to the husband that files for divorce, as a bluff to force his wife to change, and finds that it is ineffectual; to the couple that is “staying together for the kids”… There are many reasons that people get stuck in the divorce process, but no matter what the reason, a couple in this situation, is LIVING IN AN OPEN GRAVE.

I interviewed an elderly gentleman today, whose “open grave” situation I became aware of, through one of my clients. I was highly intrigued by this gentleman’s story and privileged that he opened up to me about it. I want to share the interview. I pray that after learning of his story, if you are in your own “open grave” situation, you will very expeditiously get on the other side of “going through”, and redeem the precious remainder of your life!

Just as a side note, I made no attempt to “minister” to this gentleman because he did not come to me for counsel. He is a non-believer that respectfully agreed to an interview, and so I interviewed him like a journalist, in a non-biased manner. This is just FYI. I will call this man “Greg”.

▫ START:

Dr. Intimacy: For the record Greg, how old are you?

Greg: I am 70 years old. I can’t believe how fast the years have gone by. How old are you?

Dr. Intimacy: I am 37.

Greg: Oh, you are a young lady. You wait until you get into your mid 40’s, the years are going to start flying by.

Dr. Intimacy: So Greg, tell me about this big change that you are going to be making in your life in the coming months.

Greg: Well, I am going to be moving out of the country to be with my soul mate. I finally found “the one”.

Dr. Intimacy: You have been married for 45 years Greg. Are you going to “officially” divorce your wife before you leave?

Greg: No, at my age, it’s not worth it.

Dr. Intimacy: Isn’t your freedom worth it?

Greg: Listen, I don’t want anything from my wife. I have paid the house off and I am signing the deed over to her. I am going to continue to pay her bills and she can have everything. In this state that I live in, I will have to pay all of her legal fees if we go through a divorce. There is no way I am going to pay $50,000 to fight over a $500 couch! If she files and wants an uncontested divorce, I will gladly sign the papers, but it doesn’t matter to me either way. I am leaving the country.

Dr. Intimacy: Is your wife aware of your plans?

Greg: No she isn’t. I have done everything very discreetly. I have taken care of all of my affairs. I have already purchased my burial plot. My son is the executor of my estate. My funeral costs are paid for.  I am debt free… I have not told her anything. I did what I had to do to make this happen. I will not tell her until I am just about to leave.

Dr. Intimacy: I see. Greg let me ask you something… I know that you are pretty sick. At your age and with your health challenges and so much of your youth and vitality gone, do you have any regrets about not making this change sooner, so you could have enjoyed more years of your li… (cut off before I could even finish the sentence).

Greg: OH YES! Do I regret it! I feel like I have wasted 45 years of my life!!!

Dr. Intimacy: Well Greg, help me understand your thought process. If you knew so many years ago that you were experiencing that depth of misery, why didn’t you leave long ago? From what I understand, you have worked all these years to ensure that you could come out ahead financially when you finally “freed” yourself. But, how could you value provision and finance above your own happiness, freedom and peace?

Greg: You don’t understand, it’s not that simple. I mean, this woman… I don’t want to say she’s a bad person, but there is just something about her… Her own sister has not spoken to her in 27 years. She has a brother that is a pastor and even he has not spoken to her in 25 years! Her problem is that she wants to control everybody’s life! I mean…

Dr. Intimacy: Again Greg, my question is – why was money worth staying, if it was that bad?

Greg: You know Laneen, I filed for divorce in 2001. When the litigation began, it was very nasty. My lawyer really screwed me. I could have sued the lawyer for breach of contract, it was so bad! The whole thing was a big waste of money, and I ended up having to have the case removed from the docket, due to the lawyer’s incompetence! I hate litigation. I lost a half a million dollars in litigation back in 1983! I hate litigation, any kind of litigation, even divorce litigation. I haven’t lived with my wife since 2001. So, the way I see it, I saved $50,000 in litigation fees!

Dr. Intimacy: Ok Greg, putting your hatred for litigation aside; let me ask you a philosophical question. You said to me earlier that you feel you have wasted 45 years of your life. Let’s just say that 30 years ago, you went ahead and finalized your divorce. Let’s say that the worse case scenario happened in the divorce outcome – you lost everything, had a ton of legal fees and had to pay a huge alimony settlement. After the outcome of the divorce, let’s say you got on with your life, entered into a happy marriage with another woman and lived life peacefully and happily from that point forward… To add 30 years of peace back to your life, would it had not been worth the $50,000?

Greg: (In a sad and somber tone) Yes.

Dr. Intimacy: What if it had cost you $100,000 or even if it cost you a million dollars… Isn’t your life worth it? So at 70 years old you’re finally debt free – but so what if going through the divorce had cost you an extra five years of debt?! Would it really matter 30 happy years later?

Greg: You’re right. My life was worth more.

Dr. Intimacy: So did you save $50,000, or did you lose 30 years of your life?

Greg: You know what the worst part about it is?

Dr. Intimacy: What Greg?

Greg: When you go through life unhappy, you become an angry person. You become someone other than who you really are. And honestly, living a happy life is going to add another 5 or 10 years to your life anyway.

Dr. Intimacy: So you would have time to make up for the money you lost, huh? (Laugh)

Greg: Exactly! (Laugh)

Dr. Intimacy: Greg, let me ask you this. Were you ever in love with your wife?

Greg: I thought I was, but I knew the first week we were married that I had made a mistake.

Dr. Intimacy: Really? How did you know that?

Greg: I don’t know; I just knew. We didn’t have a single commonality. We are completely different in every way. It wasn’t just that though. I don’t really know how to explain it. I just knew. When you find the right person, you just know, and it really makes a difference… Doesn’t it?

Dr. Intimacy: Yes, Greg. I agree. I do have one final question for you. Your friend that made me aware of your situation is in a similar type of marriage, of 32 years. (He is 56 and filed for divorce nearly two years ago and has yet to finalize it.) From my sessions with him, I understand that he is completely divorced from his wife physically, mentally and emotionally but will not finalize the divorce on paper due to finances. He wants to “get his affairs in order”, just the same as you have finally completed at 70 years of age. But you and I both know that realistically, with the amount of debt that he is in; it will be a number of years before he is financially “comfortable” enough to come out ahead in a divorce. As one of your best friends, doesn’t it hurt you to see him going down the same path that you traveled?

Greg: Yes, I have to talk to him! I have to tell him not to make the same mistake that I made. Life is not about money. It is about so much more than money. Let’s face it; I am a very sick man. I am 70 years old, and the average lifespan for a US male is 73. I don’t have many years left; certainly not many good years. Even if I live another 10 years, that is not a lot of time! I am determined to be happy for the last years of my life. I don’t want him to make the same mistake that I made. I am going to talk to him and tell him that he needs to be happy and enjoy his life. Life is not about money.

Dr. Intimacy: OK, thank you so much for your time Greg. I appreciate you sharing.

END

As a minister of The Gospel, divorce breaks my heart just as much as it does any preacher’s. However, it is an undeniable fact that some marriages are erroneous, contaminated unions of flesh that produce nothing but bad fruit. Yeshua says in scripture that you shall know a tree by its fruit, whether the tree is good or bad. When you examine the fruit of some marriages, you will find that it is rotten to the core. Even some marriages that have lasted for years and even decades, are producing rotten fruit that is contaminating the nation with adultery, bitterness, hatred, thwarted purposes, destroyed destinies and misrepresentations of holy matrimony.

If you know in your heart that your marriage is over with; if both you and your spouse are not 100% committed to making the marriage honor the holy matrimony that God intended for it to be; if you know that you have already given your heart to someone else; if you have not touched your spouse in years and don’t even want to again; if you are only staying together for the kids; if your spouse has filed for divorce and you refuse to accept that it’s over; if your spouse is having an open affair without repentance; if you are a woman who is afraid that you can’t survive financially on your own; if you are a man fearful of losing all that you’ve worked for; if you think divorce is too expensive… Whatever your empty excuses are for living in the open grave that has become your life, I ask you to consider:

Price versus Cost…

Yes, getting a divorce can be financially burdensome. It can be hard on the children. The changes you have to face are fearful and overwhelming at times. It can be murder on your public reputation. Divorce is expensive in a lot of ways. The price is hefty, but what will it cost you to stay: Price v. Cost? Will it cost you 45 years of life, like it has cost Greg? Will you be dying of cancer, trying to escape the country before you finally realize that there was no price too great to pay to get your life back on the right path, as quickly as possible? Will you have spent so many years in bitterness that it ate away your bones and rotted away your dreams?

I have been through divorce, and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. But, I made it; I am here; I recovered; I am alive. I don’t wish that anyone would have to go through the death of divorce. But I would rather completely die once, and then be fully resurrected and restored to health, than to spend the rest of my existence bedridden, in a brain-dead, vegetative state: That is the difference between finalizing a divorce and living continuously in a divorced state of heart! Once someone is divorced in the heart and unwilling to reconcile, the marriage is over. It is a disgraceful waste of life to continue in that state!

Everyone makes mistakes. Some mistakes, like a poorly chosen spouse, are more painful than others. But what is exceedingly more painful than making a mistake, is punishing yourself to live in that mistake forever. You have the option of forgiveness, restoration and wholeness. You can begin your life again, anew. So quit punishing yourself! STOP “going through” divorce, and “get through” with divorce! Redeem the rest of your life immediately! Don’t waste another precious moment of peace and purpose! The pain and the price is worth it; your soul will thank you; take it from Greg!

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Worship from a Holistic Perspective –

Breaking the bonds of sexual perversion and healing the bonds of heart-2-heart intimacy.

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2013 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

Ask Dr. Intimacy – Help for Married Men

How do you get over desire for a former partner when you are happily married? Is oral sex spoken of in the Bible? How can you show your wife in scripture that she should honor you and not nag you? All of these questions are addressed in this video. I recorded this video especially with Christian men in mind. I hope it blesses you. Enjoy!

An Embarrassing Little Secret or Monumental Mistake?

embarrassed-facial-expression-3_mediumI can remember the most embarrassing moment of my life that occurred back in junior high school. I was 14 years old, but I looked like I was about nine. I was sickly and a late bloomer. I had a huge crush on one of the neighborhood boys, but he seemed to be quite taken with big breasts. I unfortunately had the chest of a little boy. I thought I would fix that problem by stuffing my bra. After all, every under-developed, late bloomer does it. Doesn’t she?

 I did a great job. I was always very artistic so I even managed to create nipples (laugh). The only problem was that I knew if my mom ever saw my tissue breast implants, she definitely would have made me undo all of my hard work. Therefore, I would have to “de-breast” myself every time I went in the house and then “re-breast” myself whenever I left. On a particular evening, I asked my Mom if I could go back outside after dinner. She informed me that I only had 15 minutes. I wanted to be around my crush as often as possible, so I frantically re-stuffed my bra and ran outside, knowing that I had precious little time to continue my work on winning his affections.

 There was a group of us that hung out together. I was the outcast. As a matter of fact I wasn’t even an invited member of the crew. I was more like a stray dog that they just could not get rid of.  At any rate, I hunted them down that night after dinner and stood amongst the group. I was probably a good 8 to 12 inches shorter than everyone else, but I tried to be big in personality to make up for it. I was talking loudly, trying to entertain everyone as usual, and thenthen… it happened… My crush, “the love of my life” looked down at me, pointed his finger at my chest, busted out with laughter and shouted as loudly as he could, “Ilk, Laneen has tissue in her bra!” If there were ever a time that I wished I had magic powers, that was it!

For me, my bra-stuffing was just an embarrassing little secret, but at the moment of its revealing, I realized that it was really a monumental mistake – a monumental mistake that stemmed from much deeper issues than just that of being flat-chested. I use this illustration to correlate to a common “embarrassing little secret” that many Christian women keep. It’s that dirty ol’ word called masturbation.  After all, every under-sexed, unsatisfied, lonely, stressed out woman does it. Doesn’t she?

Well, I don’t know about every woman, but statistical studies amongst Christian women suggest that about 60% admit to masturbating. My own experience as Dr. Intimacy leads me to believe that number is much higher. But masturbation, although done in secrecy most times, is much more than an embarrassing little secret. It is a monumental mistake that stems from much deeper issues than simply that of needing a little sexual release from time to time.

If your high-school was anything like mine, you were taught in health-ed class that masturbation is “natural” and “healthy”. I myself began performing it at the age of five. I have had clients share with me stories of starting as early as age two. Yet contrary to popular opinion in our sex-crazed, disease-ridden society, masturbation is not a safe and healthy alternative to promiscuous sexual relationships. That embarrassing little secret is a cover up for much deeper issues such as feelings of depression, loneliness,  inadequacy, rejection, stress, low self-esteem, lack of acceptance and more. Such issues if not properly addressed can lead to health problems, poor social skills, failures in life, many failed relationships, weight control problems and even death or suicide.

 Another common misconception is that masturbation can be used as a therapeutic substitute for unfulfilling marital sex in order to stave off infidelity. The practice of masturbation trains your body to climax in response to your own touch. This makes it difficult, if not impossible for your husband to ever bring you to climax without the aid of your own hand. Consequently, that unfulfilling marital sex is likely to get worse.

For men, even married men, sex is a conquest. If a man becomes dejected in his efforts to sexually please his wife, he is likely to respond by discontinuing sex with his wife and turning to pornography, masturbation and/or adultery. He may turn to these things and continue to have sex with his wife but with complete emotional detachment, as he fondly reminisces on his favorite past sexual conquest or porn scene. Such lack of intimacy will break down communication in the marriage.  Some women in these situations feel as if they are being raped during sex with their husbands. And if you think that this terrible state of affairs in a marriage won’t possibly lead to adultery on the wife’s end too, you obviously have not been paying attention to infidelity statistics lately.

Masturbation only medicates your issues, just like any other drug. When you masturbate to cover up your issues, you are just as bound as a drug addict or alcoholic. Masturbation is highly addictive and I can even remember reading an article that stated an orgasm causes a chemical reaction in the brain that is similar to that which occurs during drug highs. The real frustration trap of masturbation is that it essentially increases the issues that initially triggered the act in the first place. Since for most women sex is more about the emotional connection than the actual physical mechanics; laying in bed alone after concluding the act of masturbation triggers an emotional letdown. It emulates the sharp increase in negative emotions (depression, loneliness, self-hatred, etc…) that women often experience after a boyfriend gets up and leaves after “he is finish”, or an uncaring husband rolls over and falls asleep after sex. Such a woman is most often left feeling worse than she did at the onset.

In the Power of His Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Breaking the bonds of sexual perversion ~ Healing the bonds of heart-2-heart intimacy

www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2013 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

 

Ask Dr. Intimacy – Should I Leave My Cheating Husband?

This question was asked of me on the advice page. This is such a common issue and question that I am presented with that I thought I should address it as a general post.  It’s long, but it is well worth reading if you or someone you know is in a similar situation.

Dear Dr. Intimacy,

Where do I begin? After 30 plus years of marriage, living as a believer the entire time with a husband who lasted maybe two years early on in the marriage as a believer, I am needing sound biblical counsel. I have read your book and it was enlightening and very much on point within these areas of specifics. My husband has dealt in pornography, masturbation, adultery, and drug abuse most of the marriage. He has entered into a deep phase of porn, etc.

We now sleep in separate rooms. His room is like a pig sty. Whenever I step in there for anything, which is rare, I can feel darkness. Some years ago he was in an affair with another woman for several years. At that time I convinced myself to stay for the sake of our children. Once the kids were gone and grown I stayed due to lack of finances after a less than profitable business venture. Now it is simply not wanting to be homeless. The career I have pursued is challenging. I definitely feel a tug from God to become more available to Him, however I feel like I am tied.

Relationally there is only care and concern for my husband as a human being, erotic love has been a non- issue for quite a while now. There are too many diseases to be concerned with. And then the whole soul tie thing — I feel it’s all coming to a head in some way but I am not sure how. Just recently I had one dream where I felt terror and in my heart knew something terrible had happened to him. I asked Holy Spirit what did the dream mean (and He revealed it to me). In another dream after this one he (my husband) said that he was too far out there. He was screwing children, something he always frowned on others for doing. Now this dream really disturbed me. We have grands. This morning he called my cell phone by mistake thinking it was his drug dealer. I told him he needed to seek treatment and counseling and that he was going down hill.

He claims he wants to stop but his response was he does not feel like counseling will help him, that those places have a high failure rate. To me that is an excuse and he has not fallen deep enough. I feel more compelled to leave now than ever , should I? Voices of guilt are tyring to tell me that Jesus did not give up on me, and how can I spread the word to others when I can’t help the ones in my own house. Dr. Intimacy, he actually says he feels like building a closer relationship with me is the way to get him better. Well I have forgiven him for all of what has been done, but there is a large gulf fixed between us because our core beliefs are opposing. I told him if he sought help I would support him but I would not continue to watch him destroy him self.

I could go on but I won’t. You spoke on these issues in your book, what advice would you give somebody 50 something in this type of situation?

Thanks,
Seeking Answers

Dear Seeking Answers,

I have never taken quite so long to respond to anyone as I have you. Your post made my heart ache and even now my eyes are teary as I write this response to you. This is such a painful situation that you are in and I want you to know that I really prayed and took the time to seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance in responding to you. The following is what I believe the Holy Spirit is telling me to share with you.

You asked for Biblical advice so let me start with scripture. You said that your husband lived as a Believer in the earlier part of your marriage. Even though that was a long time ago, once someone has been introduced to The Savior, they cannot void out that experience in their spiritual account. This means that your husband is a backslider as opposed to an unbeliever. So I want to share with you what the Bible says in 1 Cor 5. Paul talks about how to deal with those in your intimate circle that are involved in sexual immorality. He says in verse 5:

You are to deliver this man over to satan for physical discipline [to destroy carnal lusts which prompted him to incest (sexual immorality)], that [his] spirit may [yet] be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.”

And then in verses 9-11 it says:

    “I wrote you in my [previous] letter not to associate [closely and habitually] with unchaste (impure) people–

    Not [meaning of course that you must] altogether shun the immoral people of this world, or the greedy graspers and cheats and thieves or idolaters, since otherwise you would need to get out of the world and human society altogether!

    But now I write to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], (like your husband’s drug addiction) or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person. (AMP)”

Sister, although your situation is probably the most heartbreaking one that I have read here on the blog, it is not the first time that I have been presented with its kind. The common thread of emotion amongst those in your position is – GUILT. People take upon themselves the burden of  “saving” their wayward spouse. You specifically said that you feel guilty and I can tell you most assuredly that guilt does not come from God but instead comes from satan – even such seemingly “noble” guilt as yours. Guilt breeds condemnation and punishment and the Bible says that there is no condemnation for them that walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit (Rom 8:1).

Seeking Answers, in the book of Hebrews 6:4-6 the Bible tells us,

For it is impossible to bring back to repentance those who were once enlightened those who have experienced the good things of heaven and shared in the Holy Spirit,

 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the power of the age to come

6 and who then turn away from God. It is impossible to bring such people back to repentance; by rejecting the Son of God, they themselves are nailing him to the cross once again and holding him up to public shame (NKJV).”

You see, it was never your responsibility to save your husband’s soul. For the Bible says that one man plants, another man waters but it is God who gives the increase (1 Cor 3:6-7). Jesus died for your husband’s salvation and Jesus alone can save anyone. We are not called to suffer for the salvation of others as Jesus has already suffered for us all in that sense. Once someone becomes a believer it is their own responsibility to grow in the things of God. The scripture above in Hebrews says that “it is impossible” to bring back to repentance one such as your husband. Does this mean that he or those like him can never repent or be restored? Of course not! For with God all things are possible. But it means that you (or any person) cannot bring such a one back to repentance. This is a work that has to be done directly by the hand of The Lord.

So what should we do when we have a person in our life that is no longer walking in the Light? We should do what Paul instructs us to do in the above scriptures in Corinthians my sister. We should deliver this man over to satan for physical discipline [to destroy carnal lusts which prompted him to (sexual immorality)], that [his] spirit may [yet] be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.” We should, “not associate (closely and habitually) with anyone (including a spouse) who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person.”

Seeking Answers, you have a Biblical mandate to remove yourself from the situation that you are in and allow God to deal with your husband in His own way, while preserving your own righteousness and allowing yourself to grow in the Lord unhindered! Not only would it be a good thing to leave, but even more so than that, you are actually in disobedience if you stay! God was even kind enough to warn you in two (2 the number of confirmation) dreams the way things are soon to turn if your husband does not repent and return to the Lord. It is time that you GET OUT OF GOD’S WAY and give Him the liberty that He needs to save both your husband’s life and his soul. How will you feel if he dies? How will you feel if he rapes your grands or some other precious child? You’ve been warned by the Holy Spirit sister and you need to take heed.

I know these are hard sayings, and please don’t think that my heart doesn’t ache to write them to you, but I do believe that these are the Lord’s instructions to you and any man or woman in your situation. Jesus very rarely directly dealt with relationship issues or sexual sin during His ministry on earth, but even He took the time to let us know that in the case of adultery a divorce is often times warranted. This topic must assuredly be of great concern to The Kingdom of Heaven for Jesus to have mentioned it. Jesus’ ministry on earth was not so much about teaching people the specifics of how to live the daily Christian life. The Apostles dealt with those issues in the epistles of the Bible. Jesus’ assignment was to preach the general truths of Kingdom principles, therefore laying the foundation for The Body of Christ. Yet He took time to teach on divorce and adultery saying these things:

“Jesus said, “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan. I’m holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife (or husband) and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery. (Mat 19:8, MSG)”

Does this mean that you are commanded to divorce your husband? No it does not. Jesus’ teachings on adultery were really pointing more toward God’s passionate hatred for divorce. Yet in that hatred for divorce, He did not want anyone to feel bound by Him to stay married to an adulterous spouse. Adultery is birthed out of the wickedness and lustfulness of a person’s heart (Mat 15:19and breaks the marriage covenant. Therefore anyone married to one that has committed adultery is released from that covenant with God’s blessing. But whether, you sister, divorce or not that is your choice. However, a legal separation is a mandate from God.

And in terms of supporting your husband in his supposed decision to get clean, the only support you should be offering him is to under gird him in prayer and to bless him with your mouth. You have given him 30+ years of support which he trampled under foot and wasted. If you were able to help him Sis, his deliverance would have been effectively accomplished and manifested a long time ago. There is nothing you can do to help your husband except getting out of his life and out of God’s way! If he is really ready for a change, God is more than capable of being all of the support and comfort your husband needs.

Lastly, in terms of your fear about leaving I simply say – TRUST GOD. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3:5-6, NKJV)” God shall supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory (Phil 4:19).  He took care of Hagar in the wilderness when Abraham sent her away (Gen 21:8-20). Surely He will take care of you. Don’t let doubt and unbelief be an excuse to stay in this situation. God will provide the means that you need to make a complete separation from your husband if you are really willing in your heart to be obedient. And by the way, did you know that the spirit of pornography brings on poverty? Your business will never succeed as long as you stay with this man. You think staying with him is a means of provision, but it is really a means of  poverty.

Sister, you said that God is calling you closer but you feel “tied”. If your right eye offends you cut it out (Mat 5:29). Seeking Answers, DON’T MAKE ANY EXCUSES for why you can’t get closer to God. I know that it’s hard, but if you are willing to make the sacrifice and stop saying “I can’t” but instead say “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13) you will grow in your walk with the Lord. You will never make it through this painful transition that you are about to go through without a close and intimate walk with God. And further more, in order to be able to really effectively pray for your husband and your children and grands (that they may be delivered from generational curses) you are going to need the Holy Spirit to rise up in you in a mighty way.

I pray you receive this Now Word for your situation and allow it to empower you to walk in a new season. My prayers are with you.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

Christian Women and Adultery

I have observed a disturbing epidemic lately in the instances of devout Christian women committing adultery and divorcing their husbands. This is a very dear topic to me that affected me in a very personal way, and thus I am compelled to share the revelations that I received about this attack on Christian marriages. There are a number of these situations that have been brought to me, or that I have become aware of. What has been most disturbing to me about this is that the women who have fallen prey to these attacks seem like the most unlikely candidates. Not Gomer-type women, but instead the type of women that you read about in 1 Peter 3:1-2,

1In like manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, 2when they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him – to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and in the human sense to adore him; that is to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love and enjoy your husband]. (AMP)”

I prayed to God for insight in scripture about the spiritual wickedness behind this trend. And He led me to look at 1 Peter 3:7 and 1 Samuel 30:1-6. 7Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.(1 Pet 3:7 NKJV)” You see a woman who is fulfilling the mandate of 1 Peter 3:1-2 becomes dependent on her husband and that is what makes her the weaker vessel. This scripture is not referring to physical weakness. There is nothing in the context of this chapter that would suggest that. It certainly is not referring to the wife being spiritually weaker. That is made clear with the clause, “as being heirs together of the grace of life”: stated in the New Living Translation as, “but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life.”

But if not physically weaker or spiritually weaker, then what is Peter teaching us here? He is teaching us that a woman becomes the weaker vessel emotionally, or “emotionally fragile” in order to fulfill her role as helpmeet. Therefore Peter, who was a married Apostle, exhorts Christian brothers to, “…live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation]… (1 Pet 3:7a AMP)” In other words, live in consideration of what she has to sacrifice emotionally to become that submissive, dependent, adaptable, quiet-spirited, obedient woman who blesses you as a helpmeet.

Now keeping all of that in mind, let’s look at 1 Samuel 30:1-6 (NIV), 1David and his men reached Ziklag on the third day. Now the Amalekites had raided the Negev and Ziklag. They had attacked Ziklag and burned it, 2and had taken captive the women and everyone else in it, both young and old. They killed none of them, but carried them off as they they went on their way. 3 When David and his men reached Ziklag,   they went on their way.3When David and his men reached Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive. 4So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep. 5David’s two wives had been captured—Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal of Carmel. 6David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God.”

Reading this text is where my understanding came together: the women were left unprotected and taken captive by an enemy! God said that this is what is happening in many Christian homes. The woman in 1 Peter that strives to be that perfect submissive wife, leaves herself vulnerable by willingly becoming the weaker vessel. There are certain attacks that she is simply not strong enough to protect herself from because she has willingly become dependent on her husband.

During times of war in those days, when a woman was taken captive she was forced to marry one of her captors or forced into prostitution. In other words, in her captivity she became an adulteress. It was not a choice that she made or a path that she chose for herself. But the enemy got a hold of these women that were left uncovered and unprotected by their husbands and thus the enemy, “carried them off as they went on their way.”

The wives of today that are being affected by this same enemy spirit that you see operative in 1 Samuel 30 – this spirit that is assigned to steal the wives and children of the soldiers of the Kingdom – are being carried away too! The way of being for these loving wives is to serve the Lord and their husbands. But once your enemies take you captive, they take you their way as the scripture says! In captivity to satan’s attacks, these woman become what they do not want to be and do what they do not want to do.

Christian men – Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Pastors and Teachers especially – beware! This spirit wants to steal your family. And guess what? Only a woman who is emotionally neglected can fall prey to such an attack. Look at verse 6 again, “…for the men spoke of stoning him because the souls of them all were bitterly grieved, each man for his sons and daughters.” You see, no mention was made of these men grieving over their wives. They did not honor their wives. They only cared for what the women could add to them, but cared not for the women themselves. Yet understand that if you fail to dwell together in understanding with your wife; honoring her as the woman who voluntarily made herself weak for the sake of loving and respecting you; thereby allowing the enemy to steal her – you will lose not only her, but all that she gave birth to in your life as well.

Most of the time, a woman taken captive in war is never seen or heard of again. She becomes someone else’s wife. And though taken captive against her will, because she has the heart of a true wife, she will serve and honor her new husband (the scripture calls the husband master in 1 Pet 3:6 [AMP]) just as she did you. And yes, the Lord will bless her because she was a victim of circumstance. Fortunately in this text, David honors his wives and is determined to pursue the enemy and reclaim his them. Because of his love for his wives, his prayers are not hindered. The Lord answers his prayer and all of the women and children are recovered.

Men if you have found yourself in a similar scenario, pursue your wife immediately before the enemy carries her out of your reach. If your marriage has not been affected by this, do not allow it to be. Love, honor, cherish and desire your wife above all. If your wife is long gone and has become the wife of another or her heart is beyond your reach, forgive her and yourself. Examine how the enemy got in and stole your family. Cover her in prayer regardless of the outcome, and move forward with the revelation knowledge of what it will take to be successfully married in the future – if you so choose to marry. Even if you do not marry again, you can help other brothers protect their families.

I did a powerful teaching on this on my YouTube Channel. You can find it here if you have not already seen it. Be sure to watch parts 1 and 2 of the teaching. 

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

Non-Sexual Adultery

What is adultery actually? Well the literal definition according to most English dictionaries is to have sex with someone other than your spouse when you are married. We don’t need to expound upon that definition too much, as it is pretty apparent exactly what that means. The only insight that I would add to this literal definition is that sexual contact, even when it does not include full penetration, is unequivocally adultery!

I can remember this one couple that I encountered. The guy was accused of adultery, but he and the other woman in question disagreed on whether or not they had actually had sex.  She said that they did have sex, but he said that they didn’t. He concluded that even though they were both but naked in bed together, kissing, humping and climaxing – it didn’t count because he only ‘peeked his head in’ without fully penetrating her. OK I’m sorry for that graphic description, but the ludicrous guise of deception that people are under sometimes is just astonishing to me. We had to spend months worth of counseling just to establish whether or not sex had actually occurred between he and his mistress, before we could move on to any real deliverance sessions! I am not usually this descriptive and won’t be often,  nor do I invite comments of such nature. Everyone once in a while it is just necessary to get really raw though, because someone reading this was offended at the guy I just described… until they remembered when they did the same thing! So let’s just be honest with ourselves my brothers and sisters, so that real deliverance can occur in our lives without delay.

But anyway, back to my topic. Outside of the obvious literal meaning of adultery, there are other ways that adultery can manifest itself in one’s marriage.

If you are married, pornography would definitely fall under the umbrella of adultery for you. Through pornography you are creating a sexual connection with another person. People watch pornography because it is sexually stimulating. As a married person, you should only be receiving sexual stimulation from your own husband or wife. That is why Yeshua states in Matthew 5:27-28, “27You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Pornography is commonly accompanied by masturbation and on-going sexual fantasy. Long after the video is no longer being viewed, you are repeatedly committing adultery in your heart and mind.

 There is also the most subtle form of adultery that has as of lately claimed more formerly faithful wives than you might imagine. This form that I am talking about is commonly referred to as emotional adultery. This happens when you develop and nurture strong feelings of attraction, love or friendship with someone other than your spouse. A frequent doorway for this type of adultery to enter into one’s marriage is through the forging of an internet relationship, which often times at the onset seems like such an innocent and safe way to make an emotional connection with someone. It also frequently occurs in close working relationships, between close family friends and with spiritual leaders or mentors as well. Really, any ongoing communication between two people can lead to this type of adultery if not carefully monitored.

For the broadest understanding of what adultery is – always remembering that we are to consider first the motive of the heart before we consider anything else – it is anyone or anything that you become intimate with. Yes, I said anyTHING too! Marriage is a sacred covenant that you enter into with the promise to love, honor and cherish above all else. Furthermore, don’t forget that marriage is designed to be the symbol of our relationship with The Creator. Just as NO one or NO thing should ever come before God in your life – aside from your intimate, personal relationship with Him – NO one or NO thing should ever come before your spouse.

You should not have a closer friend; you should have no secrets; you should have no greater love; no greater intimacy; no greater oneness; no greater loyalty, commitment or connection of any kind; than that which you have with your spouse. This includes people – especially your family and even your children. This includes places – such as your job and even more especially the church. And this includes things – such as sports, hobbies and even ministry pursuits! Don’t get an intimate relationship with God confused with public ministry. Your intimate relationship with God should always come before your relationship with your spouse – your public ministry never should!

Any bond or intimacy that you create with anyone or anything that takes away from the esteemed first place of honor that should be reserved and dedicated to your spouse alone, is a betrayal and a violation of your sacred marriage covenant. Let me put this disclaimer out there: I am not endorsing the use of this revelation to offset a free-fall of divorces on the grounds of “non-sexual adultery”. However, I believe that the absence of this understanding is destroying more marriages than any other weapon in this present day. The spirit of adultery is present in more marriages than we can possibly conceive. Surely, when the spirit is present and prevalent in subtle, non-sexual manifestations of adultery – it is likely that sexual adultery will follow. That is why it is so important that you grasp this broader understanding of what adultery really is.

How do you feel about what I shared in this article? Have you been a victim of non-sexual adultery or maybe a committer of such or is this absolute gibberish to you? Let me know your thoughts.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

When a Spouse Cheats, Is the Other Spouse to Blame?

I received a post today from a lady that said, “I by no means was the wife that I was supposed to be but I still to this day don’t believe that I deserved to be cheated on.” That causes me to pose a question: When a husband or wife cheats, is the other spouse to blame? Are they to blame completely in some cases? Only to some degree in some cases? Or never in any case? I don’t know of any place I can go in scripture off-hand to support an opinion to one extent or the other but I do know this, marriage is a partnership and cheating doesn’t  “just happen”.

Now as far as the word “blame” goes, that is a trick question that I asked because I don’t believe that either spouse is to “blame”. Blame is irrelevant in the case of adultery. When infidelity takes place, angry accusations and blame only veil the underlying causes. The act of adultery is not nearly as relevant as the factors that led to it. Establishing who should carry the blame will not bring healing. Discovering how the door for infidelity was opened in the marriage can give the insight needed to repair the marriage and “adultery proof” it for the future.

This has been a “hot-button” issue, especially for women that  have been on the receiving end of adulterous affairs. But I often see a lot of deflection in the angry comments of scorned women. I had been in more affairs than I care to mention and although I am remorseful I went down that road in the past, I am grateful for the insights I gained. Where cheating is concerned, I find that both cheating husbands and cheating wives have told strikingly similar stories about the circumstances that existed in the  home before the affair occurred. Based on what I understand about the sacrifice marriage requires, my counseling sessions and the failures of my own past: my position is that both spouses are responsible for the infidelity no matter which spouse it is that actually does the deed.

Let me know what you think about this and reference scriptures or experiences that you are familiar with if you can.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

drintimacy@drintimacy.com                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.