When the Preacher’s Child is Gay: Homosexuality in the Church

What do you do when you’ve poured your life out to preach the Gospel and your child announces that he or she is gay? What do you do when you are a preacher’s kid and you don’t believe the same thing your parents believe? How do we overcome homosexuality in families and churches without condemning each other or compromising our convictions? Dr. Intimacy had to face this very difficult challenge in her own family. Join her and her eldest son Ja’Keim Haniah, as they have a transparent and intimate dialogue about their struggle with these issues.

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Can A Person Be Born Homosexual?

The dictionary describes homosexuality as a strong attraction for the same-sex. That definition is too broad. A definition that broad lends itself to labeling everyone that has ever had a sexual thought about the same gender as homosexual. An attraction, which is simply a feeling, would not in and of itself put you in the category of homosexuality – anymore than being attracted to someone underage categorizes you as a pedophile, or getting sexually aroused when you see two dogs have sex justifies labeling you under bestiality. Be that as it may, you are certainly “at-risk” of becoming homosexual if you experience strong, same-sex attraction.  And perhaps you are actually homosexual, just having not given in to the physical act of sex as of yet. If you are doing it in your heart and mind, you have already lost the battle.

The question is often posed, “Can a person be born homosexual?” This is a good question and the answer is a simple and emphatically clear – Yes and No!

Yes, you can be born with an inexplicable inclination toward “reverse-gender” behaviors and same-sex attraction. Let me explain how I know this. I have given birth to seven children. At the time that I am writing this, my youngest is four years old and my oldest is 17. Having had the experience of being involved in training this small army of humanity, I can with certainty say that human beings are born with a vast array of personality traits. These traits range greatly from those most honorable, to those least desired.

One of my children for instance, is the very epitome of joy, and she has always loved to share this joy with any and every one. Since infancy, she has had the ability to transfer feelings of joy to others because she has such a strong energy of happiness emanating from her being. At the same time, she is insanely jealous – more so than any of my other children. Her longing to make people feel good, also causes her to demand to be the center of attention at all times. Now I have another child that is naturally strong and independent. He has from infancy, preferred to be alone. He taught himself to walk at eight months of age, while I was busy trying to teach him to crawl. Yet, he was an unusually angry baby – throwing terrible tantrums; getting easily frustrated; and banging his head in fits of rage. He was always like this, although he had no diagnosed medical issues of any kind. He had the ability to try the patience of a saint with his anger issues! So if the question is, “Can someone be born with negative personality traits and emotional challenges?”why, heavens yes!

Remember that it was explained that an attraction, same-sex or otherwise, is no more than a feeling. That is why people fall in and out of love in marriage. They felt attracted to their spouse at one point, and then at another time no longer felt attracted. Attraction is a fluid emotional state that can be easily affected by external influences and deliberately controlled. With any abnormal or unpleasant personality trait, characteristic or emotional state that a human being may be born with, every attempt should be made to correct it. Homosexual tendencies are no different.

 My son that had the anger issues is now 10. He had many troubled years at school because of his anger. Should I have just allowed him to succumb to his anger because he was born that way? Should I have just told his teachers after he threw books across the room, “Well that is just who he is”? No! He would have been in juvenile detention by the time he was eight. I had to teach him how to manage his strength and use it to his advantage. I used prayer, love, Biblical teachings and sought professional help as well. My friendly daughter that will walk up to a total stranger and hug them like they are her long-lost relative; should I let her think it is okay to be friendly to everyone? Should I not teach her to curtail her friendliness for the sake of keeping her safe from predators? And concerning her jealously – do I not have a responsibility to teach her that though she is a gift from God, she is not His only gift to the world?

You see my point is that just because someone is born with an inclination toward homosexuality, does not mean that the person should not be redirected toward what has been the established order and law of nature since creation. All human beings are born in an imperfect state. Yet if I have a child that is born blind, would I not do everything that I could to give her sight if it were possible? If I have a child who is born deaf, should I not pursue obtaining hearing aids so he can hear? Blindness or deafness does not diminish the value of my child at all. Yet they are abnormalities that will indeed make life much more challenging and difficult for that child. Therefore, if it can be corrected without harming the child in some detrimental way, I will opt for that correction.

The one thing that I am certainly not going to do is pretend that there is no issue, or try to force my child to believe that he or she is “typical”, when all of creation is evidence against that. This will only serve to shroud that child in confusion and darkness. It will render him or her helpless in their ability to make accurate decisions, with mindfulness of the maladies that will make life more challenging for them in certain instances.  By helping them confront their differences and challenges head-on, I empower them to either eradicate those challenges, or to overcome them by using other strengths!

So that is the ‘yes’ part of the answer; now to address the ‘no’ part. Using the example of my formally angry child, (who is almost as gentle as lamb now, by the way) let us continue. I said that he was born with an inclination toward feeling angry and frustrated. If he grew up to kill, could I then say he was born a killer? No. He was born with a bad temper, which was not his choice. How he responds and reacts to that anger; is his choice. If he responds to feelings of anger by killing someone, that is a choice that he makes. Feeling angry is not sinful; killing someone on the other hand, is indeed wrong. Homosexuality is the same. Having feelings of attraction toward someone of the same-sex is not sinful, responding to those feelings through sexual contact with the same-sex, is indeed wrong.

So yes, you can be born with an inclination toward homosexuality. But in order for your feelings of same-sex attraction to cross the border of actually being homosexual – you have to deliberately and consciously act upon them. This also means that you cannot become homosexual through molestation. If someone puts heroin in your food and exposes you to the drug, that does not by default make you a drug addict. You will only become a drug addict if you choose, to yield to the temptation that the experience produces in you, to use heroin again. You then become a drug addict by choice. Homosexual attractions could be inherent, but a homosexual lifestyle is a choice.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

The Guilt Phenomenon of Pedophilia

Letter from my Advice Page

Good Morning,

I am ashamed of what I am about to write and I have been ashamed for years. I am at a point in my life where I want a real and honest relationship with God, but things that happened in my life makes me feel like I am not qualified. Here is my story:

When I was 7 years old my half-brother told me he wanted to show me what my father does to his mother. I let him pull down my panties and mess with my private parts. I never told my mother until months later when she caught me kissing my pillow and I was teaching my younger cousin how to kiss the pillow to at seven years old, and that was sad. My mother talked to me and told me never to let anyone touch me like that again. But sexual perversion didn’t stop there. Still at seven years old one night my mother was asleep and I was up front watching Cinemax at 12am when a sexual movie came on and I watched the whole thing. From then I had to watch them all the time and I began touching myself. Then the worst thing happened; my cousin that I was so close with (we were like a couple of months apart and she was like my best friends) started watching them together and started playing that way with each other. Then I introduced my other to it who was 5 years younger than me. When I got about 13 and started to know who God was I stopped everything all together — watching those nasty shows and hurting my two girl cousin.

I hated myself and I wanted to die everyday but God would not kill me and I don’t know why. I allowed what happened to me to affect my younger cousins. I ask God why all the time. Now to this present day my cousin that is a couple of months younger than me thinks she want to date girls and my cousin 5 years younger than me started having sex at 14 years old. I blame myself for their messed up lives. As for me, I am a regular going to church person who loves the Lord so much. I have been successful in my life, but this one thing in my life keeps me so in bondage: I can’t tell you enough. I have been asking God that he take that memory away from my cousins’ minds my whole life. We never talk about it. I just don’t know how to truly walk in freedom. Before I get married and have children I want this spirit of sexual perversion gone from my life. I pray for my cousins because it is all my fault. Where do I start for my deliverance?

Please help me, 

Lady

Dear Lady,

Well first let me say that your deliverance has already begun! Just in your confession on this blog your deliverance has already begun. Confession is always the first step to deliverance. There are three types of confession, most people don’t know this: 1) there is confession acknowledgement – this is you confessing to yourself. 2) there is confession admittance – this is you confessing to God, and 3) there is confession exposure – this is you confessing to other people. You have implemented all three steps of confession.

You have also begun the process of discovery. Discovery is when you explore your past to discover where the doors of perversion opened up. This process is usually lengthy because in most cases there are many paths that led to perversion. But you have made a great start talking about what your half-brother did to you and how you began watching pornography.

There are 12 steps to deliverance as the Holy Spirit revealed it to me. You have already implemented at least 4 of the 12. However, you are falling way short on forgiveness. You have not forgiven yourself! There will never be deliverance without forgiveness for first yourself and second for those that have hurt you. The whole point of discovery is to understand why you did what you did and close those doors forever – it’s not to beat yourself down with shame and condemnation or hold your victimizers hostage.

You are experiencing what I call the “guilt phenomenon” that happens when a person commits an act of pedophilia. To take away a child’s sexual innocence is the greatest offense that once could ever commit. People don’t really understand why this is since most people don’t understand the true power and spiritual significance of sex. But the deep spiritual knowing that a child has been tampered with and has lost something that can never again be found — that deep spiritual knowing which cannot always be comprehended in the forefront of one’s intellectual mind — is what causes that unbearable weight of guilt and shame that you are now experiencing.

The reason that I call it a phenomenon is simply because guilt imprisons a soul; and within the prison of guilt the Loving touch of God is not allowed to enter in to administer healing and wholeness. A sense of shame usually perpetuates the onset of perversion and molestation to begin with. Why? Because the power of sexual pleasure alleviates stress and pain and shame, even if just for a few moments. Sexual pleasure medicates the soul for a few precious moments of escape from the tormenting pain of shame and stress. pedophilia is common when you yourself have experienced pain, guilt and shame because such events made you feel helpless and to subject another child to the same sense of helplessness somehow makes you feel more normal – “That wasn’t bad what happened to me, this is just what people do. See, I’m doing it too?!”

Yet here is where it really becomes a phenomenon: in most cases the act of pedophilia although bringing relief initially, afterward only perpetuates the guilt and causes the committer to need to do it again and again for continual relief. The committer feels worse after each act and thus more compelled to do it again. Thus you have the statistics in society today that says a pedophile cannot be rehabilitated. It is unfortunate that law enforcement and the medical community will not acknowledge the spiritual root of pedophilia so that people can get help! They can be rehabilitated if only they can forgive themselves and get healed.

Having said all of that Lady, I may have made you feel worse than better since you have probably never looked at yourself as a pedophile. But take courage my sister. Jesus is the name above every name, label and title. You are the righteousness of God through Christ and you are Holy and Blameless in His eyes according to the book of Ephesians Chapter 1. Now for your own deliverance and for the safety of your children to come – YOU MUST FORGIVE YOURSELF!!! Don’t stay locked up in the prison of guilt that causes most committers of pedophilia to be lifelong repeat offenders, and don’t risk passing this spirit onto your children.

What happened was not your fault sis. You were a victim who then victimized. God has forgiven you and wants to restore your life. As far as your cousins, He can and will get the glory out of their lives. Just continue to pray with them. Similar things happened to me when I was a child and I became very promiscuous too. But now I use my testimony of deliverance and restoration to set people free! Hallelujah!!! I am so glad for every violation that happened to me because now I can offer people hope and encouragement. You and your cousins will one day be able to do the same.

Lastly Lady I want to say this. I think it is critically important that you and your three cousins get together one day and have a heart-to-heart talk about your past together. Then I think it would be great if the three of you would each get a copy of my book “The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook” and read through it together. You can all sponsor each other in deliverance. I would even be willing to facilitate a session with you all once on the phone. They need to understand why they are the way that they are and you can help them. So if you want to take me up on my offer let me know. I’d be glad to help.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

When Is The Right Time to Talk To Your Children About Sex?

Two years ago, I took my then nine-year old daughter along with me to a Christian girls rally. The audience consisting mainly of 14 to 18 year olds was all abuzz as the hostess introduced “Dr. Intimacy”. They wanted to know who I was and what I was going to talk to them about. I’m sure if this event had been held at school and the community liaison of Planned Parent Hood was announced the girls would’ve known pretty much what to expect. However, the very notion of talking about sex in any Christian function seems almost sinister to most.

After running down a quick introduction I asked the audience a series of questions such as, “What is intimacy?” Many gladly volunteered answers. But when I asked, “What is sex?” everyone froze. No one wanted to answer my question. An audience that I assume by observance of their behavior consisted of very few virgins, was unwilling to render an answer. I refused to move on until I got an answer and so much to everyone’s surprise, my nine-year old daughter raised her hand. With no other volunteers after two minutes of waiting why wouldn’t I give her a chance to answer? She opened up her mouth and said very plainly without smiling, blinking or stuttering, “It’s when the penis goes into the vagina.”

The entire audience responded with laughter and amazement. Why was this nine-year old girl willing and able to explain what a room full of teenagers was not? She was able to explain because I taught her. I have seven children and I began teaching all of my children about sex when they reached the age of two. It never ceases to amaze me as I travel across the country to speak to people on issues of sexuality and intimacy, how ignorant most parents are to the dire need of candidly discussing sex with their children!

I’ll never forget the frantic phone call of a friend of mine. He had been called to his five-year old’s school because the boy had been accosted by two female students in his kindergarten class, who pulled his pants down and began performing oral sex on him right there in the class! It sounds hard to believe I know, but most children begin sexual exploration around the age of two. Sexual exploration is when they get curious and begin to test out “what it does when I do this”. It is also the typical age at which they want to know whether or not other people “have one too”.  It won’t take a child long to figure out  in the midst of their innocent exploration that it feels good when they rub this or pull on that. Many people have discussed with me children masturbating as early as two. I performed it regularly beginning at age five.

Parents, the right time to talk to your children about sex is NOW! The greatest thing that you can do as a parent to help avert sexual misbehavior, and the ill consequences thereof, in the lives of your children is to be very proactive. Don’t just react to what they do, influence what they do. Our children are bombarded with the deviant sexual influences of society from birth. No matter how wholesome you try to keep the environment in your home, unless you plan on moving to a deserted island, there is nothing that you can do to protect them from this. The most important challenge is helping them overcome their curiosity about sex by having candid discussions and lessons.  You can start by showing them illustrations of naked bodies and allowing them ask as many questions as they want to.   Give them honest but age appropriate answers using the proper names for the anatomy.

Always remember this about parenting and life and general: The first time a person hears something will be the most substantial time and will set the foundation for their beliefs on that topic forever. If the first time your children hear about sex is in a perverted way on the school playground, that is what will shape their beliefs about sex. If it is at home with Mom and the Bible, talking about the beauty of intimacy in marriage and the sacredness of their bodies to be reserved for that time, that is what will shape their beliefs.  It is such a terrible and irreversible mistake when parents neglect to discuss sexuality with their children. What I find is that most parents wait until they think their children may be interested or involved in sex, but once that sleeping giant of sexuality is awakened it is hard to return it to hibernation. Don’t wait until it is too late. Equip them now to successfully stand against the pressures of a society that is encouraging sexual immorality on every hand. Help prevent them from becoming another bad teenage statistic and prepare them for enjoyable intimacy with a spouse in the future.

What are your thoughts on this? If you have children, at what age did you first discuss sex with them? Have you been “waiting for the right time”?

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.