My schedule does not permit me to answer as many questions as I’d like to on this blog, but every so often, I get a post that tears at my heart, and I have to stop everything to respond to it. The following was one such post that came in on the “Ask Dr. Intimacy” page. Below is the post and then beneath that, my response. I hope it helps someone…
Thank you for your obedience to God and your willingness to make your personal matters public so awareness and deliverance can take place in the life of others. I have read most of the articles you have posted and I also have purchased your book “Sexually Transmitted Demons.” My question for you is how to do I experience real deliverance from the sexual perversion in my life. I can stop masturbating for a couple of days but the urges are so strong that no matter what I do it is hard for me to resist. I watch porn and masturbate at least 4 to 5 times a day and I try to stop. I try to find other things to do but it’s like I cannot have any peace unless I watch porn and masturbate then I am good. I believe, well I know, this has cost me my pastorate and it almost cost me my marriage. About 3 years ago I resigned as pastor and nobody knew why. I was so ashamed that I even left my wife and my children for a year. My wife was a virgin when we got married and I think I have transferred this spirit to her. I asked her to watch porn with me. I asked her to have phone sex with me when I traveled. I baited her into conversations about threesomes and eventually we had one and now I think she struggles with a lesbian spirit because she always wants to have a threesome with a woman. And during sex she only has an orgasm when she calls out a female name or she will have me call out another female’s name we may know. I can see her as we have sex fantasizing about another person as she climax. We have had a threesome with a close friend of ours and she always initiates it. This spirit has overtaken my marriage and I have tried with everything in me to reel it back in and whatever I do fails. It seems like the harder I try the worst it gets. I had a growing church and helped a lot of people walk through the difficult stages of their life but I am living with this dark secret and I could not in good conscious pastor and know I was struggling with sexual perversion so I resigned. I am trying everything to stop with no success. I have read books, blogs. I have prayed and confessed. I tried playing sermons and worship music when the urges come. I have watched your youtube channel and if I may be honest I find myself lusting after you. I think to myself why am I like this? I do not want to be this way. I can help everyone else and help fix everybody else’s problems but when it comes to me I can’t experience the deliverance I preach and minister to others. I know Christ. I know the power of the Holy Spirit. I do not drink or do drugs. I am a person of integrity and influence within my community but I can’t shake this. I said this the thorn in my side but I can’t imagine God allowing this struggle that has the potential to affect and destroy so many be allowed in my life. I take my ministry seriously and the souls He has for me to care after. I would rather die than to not be able to serve God so this is literally killing me. Thank you for any help or insight you may offer.
Dear PASTOR CJ,
I put emphasis on “Pastor” because the gifts and callings of God are irrevocable until we die! Your letter really tore at my heart. You and your wife are, indeed, in a great deal of bondage and I will not pretend to make light of it. As I sat here praying about your situation and seeking a Word that could start you on the road to recovery, The Holy Spirit whispered this phrase into my ear,
“Let guilt give way to conviction…”
That phrase illuminated my soul and I felt an immediate release as I received it. You see, that phrase concisely explains the process that I went through when getting delivered from sexual lust and masturbation, during my walk, as a Leader to The Body.
It is the worst kind of pain, when it’s the pain of self-condemnation, and that is what masturbation and porn produce. You are in the most addictive of situations because the very thing that makes you want to stop, also drives you to do it more! That thing is GUILT. Guilt is the emotion that produces remorse, which causes us to change our ways. But in the case of masturbation and porn, guilt only feeds the spirit. Guilt and self-condemnation empower the forces of masturbation and porn, making you want to do it more and more. This is because masturbation and porn are methods of escape – escape from chaos, failure, stress, sickness, disappointment, anger, GUILT… The same negative circumstances that drive any addiction, drive masturbation and porn addictions as well.
The cycle of guilt and release — condemnation and comfort – causes you to feel so hopelessly trapped. It seems to stop is as equally tormenting as it is to continue, but at least in continuing there is “some relief”. This is how it seems anyway, and I know this is hitting home! But the truth is that the pain of continuing is PERMANENT, while the pain of stopping is only temporary. That is a truth that you must CONSTANTLY KEEP BEFORE YOU. You should write that phrase on papers and post them on every wall, window, door and mirror in your home. And post it in your car and office too! You shall know the TRUTH, and the TRUTH shall make you FREE.
You have fallen into a cycle of believing lies, and the worse of those lies is that feeling guilty and self-condemned somehow serves as an act of humility and repentance that will lead to righteousness. Guilt will, to the contrary, UNCONDITIONALLY GUARANTEE that you stay addicted until you breathe your last breath. Guilt is the very opposite of faith, and doubt is the very worst kind of perversion. That is why Messiah says in Matthew 17:17, “O faithless and PERVERSE generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I suffer you?…” Doubt and unbelief opens the door for the strongest sexual addictions because doubt is, in and of itself, a strong form of perversion. And what good is our faith, if not for believing that we are JUSTIFIED – no matter what? “For the just shall live by faith…” Is that not what the Word has taught us my dear Brother?
So step one is to demand your soul to receive the TRUTH, the truth that you are justified not by your acts, but instead by your faith in The Risen Savior. Step two is to use that truth to bring subject every false spirit of self-condemnation and guilt that is fostering this addiction. If you are already justified, then there is nothing to feel guilty about. Which means going forward, you will not allow yourself to feel guilty when you watch porn or masturbate or have a threesome or…
…WAIT! Am I saying to continue in these things? NO! I am saying that you should live in the freedom of grace and not the imprisonment of condemnation. The stress produced by guilt prevents understanding from coming forth. Therefore, by giving way to guilt, you suppress the wisdom that would yield deliverance. The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, He does not condemn us for it. With conviction comes forgiveness, cleansing and, most importantly, redirection. With guilt comes chains. Once you stop opening yourself up to the enemy’s guilt, you make room for the The Spirit’s conviction.
So my dear brother, make the very best choices that you have the strength to make each day. Plan a day of righteousness and productivity. Don’t plan sinful activities, but if in the midst of trying to live your day for God you fall, don’t let guilt come into your heart. Let guilt give way to conviction.
If you feel overwhelmed, to the extent of insanity, for the desire for porn or masturbation, know that in your flesh, it is a battle that you will never win. Therefore, give yourself PERMISSION to live in the freedom of grace. Explore how you feel “led” at any given time. Does that mean that you are being “led” correctly? Not necessarily — sometimes demons are in the lead, sometimes the flesh is in the lead and sometimes The Holy Spirit is in the lead… But how will you know what is really in your heart, if you don’t allow it to come to the surface and allow The Spirit of the Living God to expose the dark things of your heart and wash them away. Therefore, live in the NOW of eternity, and Let guilt give way to conviction.
Calmly ask for and receive forgiveness for your short comings, and sit and talk to The Father about these things. You see, if you pray in faith for a desire for righteousness and then just believe for God to answer that prayer, you have to rest in that belief. You can’t fight to live right because then it is by works and by might. Instead, if you evaluate what you desire to do, at all times – without being anxious about if it’s right or wrong — and yet acknowledge God in all of your ways (this is key), it is then that the power of conviction begins to work. Suddenly, you become aware of how wicked your desires are. You will see firsthand how far away you are from righteousness, not just in your acts, but in your very essence. You will then LOSE the desire for what you once thought you could not live without, when you let guilt give way to conviction.
And that Pastor, is what it is really all about. It is not about stopping an act in the flesh, but being transformed at a heart level. Better for a wicked desire to be transformed into a righteous one, than to simply “overcome” and “bury” that desire. What good is using will power to overcome just the act, when your heart is still just as filthy as it always was? So when you become aware and begin to lose the desire, that is when discipline can push you to your goal – when you actually WANT to stop, as opposed to “knowing that you should, but not really wanting to”. Then, that is when you will effectively remind yourself — not out of guilt, but out of your desire to please The Father — that the pain of continuing is PERMANENT, while the pain of stopping is only temporary...
“…When you finally let guilt give way to conviction.”
And that is the Word of The LORD!
In the Power of His Love,
Prophetess Laneen “Dr. Intimacy” Haniah
Be blessed and be sure to order both of my books. You and your wife read them together. It will help you tremendously, but especially “The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Reference Book.” You can order them on my website, www.drintimacy.com.
In the Power of Love,
Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Worship from a Holistic Perspective –
Crushing the bonds of sexual perversion and healing the bonds of heart-2-heart love & intimacy.
Copyright © 2014 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.