Intimate Confessions: It’s Not You, It’s Them!

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Intimate Confessions: Often times when someone is ready to end a relationship and they don’t know how to execute the break up or have no justifiable reason to do so, they will manufacture discord and project blame onto the other party.

Tip: If someone seems to enjoy arguing with you, tends to find fault with you in every disagreement and seems to present ending the relationship as the solution for every altercation, take the hint! The person is trying to bait you into ending things because they don’t have the courage to do so themselves. Either get into counseling quickly in order to resolve the issues in the relationship or go ahead and give them the end that they want. If you don’t, you will subject yourself to continual abuse!

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~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ © 2015, Laneen DrIntimacy Haniah
‪#‎DrIntimacy‬

Intimate Confession: Unconditonal Forgiveness

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Intimate Confessions: “But when I said we would be friends for life and I let you into my heart, I meant it. When I said I Love You For Eternity, I meant it. And along with the word LOVE must come unconditional forgiveness. The two have to go hand in hand. A person who you won’t forgive is a person that becomes your enemy. An unforgiven person is a condemned and unloved person…”

Tip: It is impossible to fully LOVE someone and yet hold unforgiveness in your heart toward them. And guess what? Partial and/or conditional forgiveness is NOT forgiveness at all. You don’t forgive someone in “degrees” as they earn it. You forgive them fully and unconditionally, even BEFORE they ask for it, simply because that is what LOVE does… Selah.

~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ © 2015, Laneen DrIntimacy Haniah
‪#‎DrIntimacy‬

Intimate Confessions: Is It Jealousy or Something Else?

empty heart
Intimate Confessions: “What you call jealousy has nothing to do with me being jealous of you or your relationship with that other person. It has everything to do with a void that has been created in my life because of you taking what I have been pouring into you, and instead of pouring it back into me, pouring it into someone else. You are filling them up and leaving me empty…”
Tip: Before you are so quick to accuse someone of being jealous, stop and consider whether or not you are behaving in a way that facilitates insecurity in the relationship. Any intuitive and discerning person is going to notice and respond to warning signs! That is not jealousy, that is them protecting what they value.
~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ (c) copyright 2015 Laneen DrIntimacy Haniah
‪#‎Drintimacy‬

Intimate Confessions: Breaking Up

breaking-up-couple

Intimate Confessions: Ending a relationship can be like death, no different than a divorce. It’s important to have some “healthy distractions” in place PRIOR to making the break up official. Give yourself a little time to grieve each day, but keep the rest of your day as full as possible.

Tip: Having some friendly fellowship with the opposite sex can be very beneficial, as long as you don’t turn it into a rebound relationship. In time, all wounds heal. Keep yourself medicated until the pain subsides, otherwise you will return to Egypt!

~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ (c) copyright 2015 Laneen DrIntimacy Haniah
‪#‎Drintimacy‬

Annual Heartbreak Day

broken-heart-40

It’s finally over…

Millions around the world call it Valentines Day. It is a day that is set aside to honor and celebrate the special one you love — and for the special one you love to celebrate you. Everywhere you turn, there are roadside stands full of beautiful flowers and gifts. Every store greets you with displays of chocolates and balloons. The media is littered with romantic jewelry ads; engagement ring ads being the worse offenders. Restaurants, concerts and hotels are booked to capacity, as couples celebrate having each other. Those fortunate enough to have someone to share this special day with, brim with excitement at the thought of the romance and love the energy of this day produces.

However, for many others, what some know as “Valentines Day” — is actually “Annual Heartbreak Day”.  While all of the attention surrounding this day produces sweet enthusiasm in the those who have someone to celebrate it with, it produces only painful heartache in others. For me, “Annual Heartbreak Day” is a bitter reminder of all of the unrequited love that I have rendered over the years. It is the taunting chant of the voice of abandonment. It is the agonizing realization and piercing awareness of my very aloneness.

This week leading up to Heartbreak Day, I had struggled terribly — to the point where I had to fight off three random panic attacks that came on, as I saw loving couples during my daily errands. I have been having a wonderful year. It has been one of the best years of my life. And yet I know that often times with me, a trigger like this can knock me off the path of my destiny and cause months of delay.

I have made so much progress this year and I know that during this time of redemption, I cannot afford to let the enemy use anything to take me down! The key to my overcoming was in sharing my heart out of my own brokenness. Thursday night and last night (Valentines night) in the midst of my own pain, I gave everything that I have to other people who were in pain. While I cried a river of tears inside, I caused others to be full of joy, hope and encouragement.

It has been four years since my marriage ended. Leaving that marriage, I never once looked back in regret. It was a prison of neglect and resentment. However, I never thought or could have imagined, standing before the judge on the day of my divorce that all these years later, I would still be a single woman. I have loved so many people, with so much passion and humility and  honor over the years. Excluding my children, I can’t say that anyone has ever fully reciprocated the love that I’ve given them, and that was especially the case with my ex-husband.

Yet, I have never been bitter or cynical about remarrying. Quite to the contrary, I have always believed the second time around would come quickly and restore my torn heart. But now, 4 years later, I have not been so hopeful. I do greatly treasure my position in the Body of Christ. I am so thankful that I have such value to the Kingdom. I know undoubtedly that I am a Mighty Woman of God. Yet in the natural, as a woman, I question my worth. I wonder why no man has ever claimed me as his special reward and made me his Queen.

I want more than anything, a chance to share the overwhelming wifely love and anointing that is ever brimming in my heart, but a man who truly loves, cherishes and honors me has remained elusive. I have only ever been used by men for their purposes of pleasure and advancement. And even those that I thought loved me, have proven in the end that they only loved the “idea of being with Dr. Intimacy”, but not the woman she operates through.

And yet, the victory is mine this morning. I woke up a virtuous woman whose worth is far above that of precious rubies. Instead of taking the love that The Father has placed in my heart and burying it; instead of saying, “until someone loves me, I can’t love anyone else”; instead of compromising my integrity and standards of righteousness, for the sake of falsely comforting my broken heart on one insignificant day created by the world — I shared my love freely, I overcame bitterness by blessing others and I stood in my righteousness and integrity.

Because I gave, more than two dozen people woke up this morning encouraged and happy and knowing that they are loved. Because I decided that even if no man finds me worth it, I still find others worth it. Even if I can’t receive the love I desire, I can still give someone else what they desire. So while there was no one here to keep  me warm last night and whisper sweet love into my ear, the images of loving others and the joy that they received warmed my heart. The hope of reaping a harvest kept my tears away.  And The Love and Approval of My Savior encouraged me to know that it’s always worth it to love and serve others.

Maybe this time next year, I will be waking up next to my new husband. However if not, I will wake up thinking about whoever it is that I shared The Love of The Father with the night before, and my pillow will not be soaked with tears, as in years past. So if like me, Valentines Day is actually Annual Heartbreak Day for you — I say to you, “keep your love in shape”. Go exercise the love you plan to give in a beautiful, Godly marriage one day. Go practice the service that you plan to one day give to your spouse. Stay focused on the love you can give to others, and before you know it, your tears will turn into joy!!!

In the power of His Love,

Prophetess Laneen “Dr. Intimacy” Haniah

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Worship from a Holistic Perspective –

Crushing the bonds of sexual perversion and healing the bonds of heart-2-heart love & intimacy.

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2014 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

I AM MORE Than Your Labels

I am more

Some people bind a label on you and then categorize you in their minds based on that label. Based on their own ill perception of you, which is produced by false and condescending judgement of your past behaviors — no matter how much you change, how anointed you are, or how many other people respect and honor you, those certain people will always relate to you according to their own off perception of who you are.

It is time for you, as an Anointed vessel of the Kingdom, to discern people’s innermost thoughts concerning you and accept the fact that those labels are permanently (or at least indefinitely) established in their hearts.  Stop wasting your precious energy trying to change how people see you. More importantly, stop defining yourself based on their perception of you! Unfortunately, most often times, these negative people are family members and long-term acquaintances that have seen you go through your transitioning process. They are so focused on what you have been through, that they can’t see where you are on your way to. They are so caught up into who you were that they can’t see who you are becoming!

 Rub yourself on the back and tell yourself that it’s OK! People like that will never give you a new label, unless Holy Spirit deals with their hearts, but it’s OK. Them reminding you of who you were, will ensure that you never forget your testimony, so it’s OK!
Therefore, stop trying to change how they see you. Just accept it, but without ever allowing it to affect how you see yourself. Discern their true thoughts concerning you, and then adjust the parameters of your relationship based on their limited sight. Stop trying to get close to people who are deliberately putting distance between you and them! Stop trying to convince family members, and spouses, and co-workers and schoolmates, and church leaders that you are somebody special. Just KNOW that you are somebody special in Christ and walk in it!
Don’t slow down for doubters, haters and naysayers. Instead run on and dare them to catch up to you! Perhaps they will eventually come up to your level, but if they never do, look down at them (not down on them) and be grateful that you no longer dwell in that low place that they choose to inhabit. The truth of the matter is, anyone trying to hold you to your past, is simply because they are stuck there themselves!
This year, limit your interaction with old friends and family members that still treat you like “back in the day”. Don’t go where you are tolerated, but instead where you are celebrated. Those old familiar spirits speaking through them will surely say that you are full of yourself and that you think you are “all that”….
…because you will be!
Full of the God in yourself and all that you can be in Him!
In 2014, don’t sweat it, strut it!!!! 

 
#KnowWhoYouAre #WalkInIt #BeCelebratedNotTolerated

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Worship from a Holistic Perspective –

Crushing the bonds of sexual perversion and healing the bonds of heart-2-heart love & intimacy.

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2013 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

Don’t Poison Yourself With Bad Memories!

bad break ups

Sometimes, when dealing with a tumultuous breakup, we think it best to get over a person by reflecting on painful memories, upsetting past events and  all of their negative qualities. The reasoning behind this method is that reflecting on the negatives of the relationship becomes the prodding rod that keeps you from going backward. Focusing on the pain or upset the person caused in your life is used to solidify acceptance of the breakup, and therefore such negative thinking is deemed a good thing.

However, I find this philosophy to be extremely flawed. Negativity breeds negativity! If you reflect on the pain of the past, it will punish your future. Such focus will keep you in a state of resentment toward your ex. It may also induce feelings of victimization, as you dwell on the issues that the person brought about in your life. It will undoubtedly embitter you toward similar people in the future, and may cause you to become cynical toward relationships in general. Worst of all, it will negatively impact your self-confidence. This is because, in essence,  no matter what negative qualities your ex had, YOU CHOSE that person. When it is all said and done, that negative reflection reveals more of your own flaws than it does the person that it is aimed toward!

My suggestion is to, instead of reflecting on the negatives of the relationship, reflect on the positives. You were with that person for a reason. In the midst of all that went wrong, there were some things that went right. You enjoyed something about the person, otherwise you would not have been with them in the first place. When hurt and/or anger begins to rise up in you, you should reflect on the good things about the relationship and kill those negative emotions. This kind of positive retrospection will cause you to rebound much faster. It will create a positive intrinsic environment, which is very therapeutic. It will build your self-confidence, as you commend yourself on choosing the qualities that you liked in the person. Most importantly though, it builds hope for the future. It will provide a positive outlook toward future relationships and reassure you of your ability to choose a partner that you will enjoy being with.

Focusing on why you were with that person will help you look for those same qualities in your next prospect. It can also help you evaluate the breakup, and whether or not reconciliation should be considered. Even if you decide not to reconcile, at least you won’t have a flashback, on a lonely night, six months down the road, and suddenly remember all of the wonderful things about your ex. Then, in an emotional overload, rekindle a toxic relationship!

As long as you do not allow your retrospection to become reminiscent, (evaluate the past, don’t daydream about it) you don’t have to worry about your fond memories causing you to go running back to your ex. In your evaluation, you will calmly remember that the relationship ended for a reason. However, if you remember all of the wonderful things about your ex at the onset of the breakup, and still choose to move forward, then you will know you made a solid and well thought out decision. A well thought out decision requires just as much evaluation to “undo”, preventing rash, emotional reconciliations that lead to repeated break ups, with the same person.

As you can see, the benefits of positive reflection after a breakup far outweigh the detriment of “ex-bashing”. So keep it positive, even after a difficult breakup, and you will attract Mr. or Mrs. Right sooner than you think. You may even discover, that you had him or her all along!

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Worship from a Holistic Perspective –

Breaking the bonds of sexual perversion and healing the bonds of heart-2-heart intimacy.

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2013 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

QUESTION: WHY DOES LIFE GET SO MESSY AFTER YOU HAVE SEX? WHY DOES SEX CHANGE YOUR LIFE SO MUCH?

________________________________________

“ANSWER: YOU GET STDs.
I’m not talking about the kind of STDs that they teach you about at Planned Parent Hood. Not the kind that people claim a condom can protect you from. No – I’m talking about an STD that no condom can protect you from. The person who’s carrying it will show no physical signs that you can recognize. You won’t smell it or feel it, and even though you will see it; you won’t realize what it is.
I am not talking about a sexually transmitted disease. What I’m talking about is worse than a sexually transmitted disease. There is no medical cure for the STD that I’m talking about – no pill to pop or shot you can get. What’s even worse is that with this STD, you usually get multiple forms of it at one time.
WHAT ARE THESE STDs THAT I’M TALKING ABOUT? THEY ARE SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DEMONs!”

Quote from, “STDs: Sexually Transmitted Demons” Get your copy for $15.00 on Amazon anytime, or enjoy this 25% discount when using this code C288T4NP at the following link:

https://www.createspace.com/pub/simplesitesearch.search.do?sitesearch_query=laneen+haniah&sitesearch_type=STORE

~Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ © 2013

You Can’t Cast Out LOVE: Part 2 – Love Will Last Forever…

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This is a continuation of the article “You Can’t Cast Out Love – Part 1”. Click on link to read Part 1.

…The bible reads in John 8:32, “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” We as church leaders need to be set free by the truth before we can set anyone else free with it. The truth that we need to know in regards to sinful relationships is that these couples do fall in LOVE, and their LOVE covers over the sin of their fornication. The conviction may be in their hearts, but it gives way to the LOVE that consumes them. Pease let no one misunderstand me! I clearly and emphatically declare that pre-wedding-ceremony-sex is sinful; IT IS FORNICATION. Homosexuality is a sin; adultery is a sin; teenage sexual love affairs are a sin. The fornication that is birthed out of these relationships is not a product of LOVE; it is a product of lust. Yet simultaneously, I am also clearly and emphatically acknowledging that there is still genuine LOVE in these relationships that is expressed through sexuality.

According to James 1:13-14, 13Let no one say when he is tempted, I am tempted from GOD; for GOD is incapable of being tempted by [what is] evil and He Himself tempts no one. 14But every person is tempted when he is drawn away, enticed and baited by his own evil desire (lust, passions).” Here it is made clear to us that the LOVE of Yahweh living inside of us does not tempt us to sin. Every sin, whether it be lying, stealing, cheating, cussing, hating, or fornicating is birthed out of our own lust. However, there are different types of lust – greed (lust for more), gluttony (lust for food), jealousy (lust for attention), lasciviousness (physical lust for sex), hatred (lust for death and murder), gossip (lust for destruction), loneliness (lust for companionship), stealing (lust for provision or material possessions), etc, etc, etc… This list, of course, could go on and on. My point is simply this: ‘lust’ and ‘sin’ are two synonymous and completely interchangeable words. The definition of lust is NOT ‘sexual sin’. The definition of lust is ‘the desire for unrighteousness; the willingness to break The Law’.  The reason that I am defining what lust is and what it is NOT is because it is important to understand that NOT EVERY SEXUAL SIN IS BIRTHED OUT OF SEXUAL LUST (lasciviousness).

There are times when couples, through mishandling LOVE, express sexually what they share with one another. This type of sexual sin is no more the product of lasciviousness than a person stealing food to feed their children is the product of greed. It is critical to know and discern the difference because the biblical prescription that treats one sin-sickness, will not necessarily work on another. We have to accurately diagnose the sin issue and prescribe the correct spiritual applications and revelations for deliverance. Misdiagnosing a loving couple as victims of lasciviousness will ultimately leave them “stuck” in the situation that they are in. Depression (lust for happiness), ignorance (lust for freedom from accountability), or loneliness (lust for companionship) is more likely an accurate diagnosis than lasciviousness.

So how do we as leaders help people in these situations? How do we counsel and advise them? How do we comfort the person that is experiencing the agony that I described at the beginning of this article? As a person facing this challenge, when the relationship ends or NEEDS to end, how can you stop the bleeding? WE MUST FIRST UNDERSTAND THAT WE CANNOT “CAST OUT LOVE”. You can cast out a spirit of depression, suicide, loneliness, fornication – you can break the stronghold of lust, and wash away the stains of sin. And yet, after all of the praying, rebuking, repenting, binding, pleading, reciting, communing and religious ceremonies are said and done; when every evil spirit is gone and every sin forgiven; you will still have a person that is experiencing the loss of a LOVED one.

What this person goes through is exactly what any person goes through when a loved one dies. In every literal and symbolic sense, a person going through a break-up experiences the exact same pain associated with the death of a loved one. You cannot cast out the LOVE that grew between these two people, and you cannot pray away the sadness of the loss. What a person in this type of situation needs most of all is emotional and spiritual healing. They are hurting, broken, bloody and wounded, and there is no quick fix. Prayers of repentance and scriptures about lust and sexual sin WILL NOT help the one whose heart is broken.  While prayer and repentance is a necessary part of the process, walking the person through the grieving process is just as vital. There are five stages of grieving that are commonly taught:

  1. Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  2. Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  3. Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  4. Oppression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  5. Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what has happened.”

 It is important to remember that although this feels exactly like the death of a loved one to the person going through it, it is not an actual death in most cases. How many people would bring back their loved ones from the grave if possible? Most people would! And herein lies the one, major difference between an actual death and the death of a relationship: in the case of a painful break-up, IT IS POSSIBLE to bring the loved one back from the grave. If both parties are willing and able to reconcile, the temptation to do so will be very strong – as strong as a mother’s desire to bring her child back from the dead! Therefore, without implementation and understanding of the grieving process, most people will never make it through step 3 before they go “grave-digging”. Step 4 is usually the crushing weight that will cause them to pick up the phone to set up a meeting to “kiss and make up” – falling back into the pit of fornication. Without support in the grieving process, this will happen over and over again becoming a vicious, sometimes life-long cycle, leading to the death of purpose and destiny in the lives of the participants –  often too leaving the involved leaders feeling helpless and ineffective.

I wrote this article because it is time for us church leaders to stop writing off every sinful relationship as a product of sexual lust and understand and acknowledge that in the midst of sin, LOVE can still live. If LOVE could not live in the midst of sin, then the Holy Spirit could not dwell in any of us! If LOVE could not live in the midst of sin, Yeshua (Jesus) would have died at birth on this sinful earth! We cannot help those suffering the agony of feeling trapped in fornication or those that have just gone through a painful separation, if we don’t understand the hurt they are feeling and why they are feeling it. Grief counseling, healing scriptures, comforting fellowship, peaceful music, positive activities and as much natural support as possible is what it is going to take – in addition to the binding, rebuking, and repenting that goes forth – in order for the person to be made whole again.

LOVE is just who GOD is, and where there is any measure of LOVE, Yahweh surely is somewhere near. In a world that is full of hatred and evil, the privilege of experiencing LOVE, no matter how it comes, is a blessing. Often times the love discovered in illicit relationships is the pathway to understanding LOVE on a greater level and learning to walk in a greater measure of LOVE.  Truly genuine LOVE will always create a pathway to the heart of The Father, which is why the scriptures say, “therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. (Jer 31:3, KJV)”.  When it is all said and done, every sin will be forgiven and thrown into the sea of forgetfulness. When a sinful union occurs, after the couple has repented, the sin element is remembered no more. However the LOVE produced will remain forever: “Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and LOVE—and the greatest of these is LOVE. (1 Cor 13:13, NLT)”.

I say all of this to help us change our FOCUS. It is not that our approach as leaders and healers has been necessarily wrong, but it has been incomplete and disorganized. When a sick person is bleeding profusely, regardless of what else is wrong with that person, the FIRST procedure is always to address the wound that is causing the bleeding. If the bleeding is not stopped, the person will quickly bleed to death, making all other “procedures” obsolete. After all, there is no point to treating a corpse. So instead of FOCUSING on the lust of a relationship, which is a negative focus, let us focus instead on the LOVE it produced. That positive focus will enable the suffering individuals to use the power of that LOVE to begin the healing process. Remember that it is impossible for LOVE to die, as LOVE is a product of the The Nature of GOD, and GOD forever lives. Although LOVE never dies, it can be transferred or redirected. The LOVE that is shared between the couple can be channeled into loving Their Savior, themselves and their neighbors. As long as that LOVE is flowing through them, the power of that LOVE will heal them. Every wound that had been formerly infected with lust will eventually heal. Ultimately, when infected wounds heal, by default the infection of lust is purged out of their systems.

I pray that this will help us adopt new methods of counseling the broken hearted. Too many couples are dying unnecessarily on the battlefield of love because the doctors in the infirmary are treating the wrong disease. It is said that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. Time does not heal wounds, but all wounds will heal in time, if properly treated. Those wounds that never heal will eventually infect and kill us…

Please check back in for the Part 3 of this powerful article. Are you are a subscriber to the Insights from Dr. Intimacy blog? Be sure to subscribe to be notified of new articles. Your email address will never be sold or shared.

In the Power of  HIS Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Breaking the bonds of sexual perversion ~ Healing the bonds of heart-2-heart intimacy…

www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2013 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

You Can’t Cast Out Love: Part 1 – Fornication and Forbidden Love

ForbiddenLove

This article has been in my belly growing and developing for quite some time now. It feels long overdue, but finally I am in labor to give birth to a revelation that I believe may save some lives and some destinies… and maybe some potentially good relationships that would have otherwise been cast into the fire. So here it goes and I do hope I get some insightful feedback on this one…

“Another day lying on the bed in emotional agony; pain stabbing me in the chest as if a finely sharpened pitch fork is being plunged into my heart over and over again. I feel hollow inside, as if a vortex of nothingness has sucked my spirit into an abyss of blackness. There is no light anywhere around me, there is no joy, there is no comfort, there is no peace, there is no hope… There is nothing except endless, painful, agonizing torture every day.

They told me that it is a spirit of depression, so they prayed to break its hold over me – but it didn’t work. They told me that it was a soul tie, so they prayed to cut it – but it didn’t work. They told me to recite Psalm 23, three times a day for 30 days – but it didn’t work. They told me that it was a spirit of lust trying to draw me into sin and that I must fight against it – repent, bind it, and renounce it, and I shall be free – but that didn’t work either. They all had their explanations, but to no avail. Not one of their methods, prescriptions, remedies, prayers, or scriptures brought relief to the insane ache that constantly resonated throughout my being…”

Have you ever experienced this kind of pain? I know that I certainly have. It is the pain and agony that many experience as a relationship ends. It is the type of pain that is indescribable. It is the type of feeling that only those who have felt it can relate to. I can recall one particularly sudden break-up that left me in this type of pain. The first night after the break-up, I was lying on my bed in the dark, barely able to breathe. Sharp pains pierced my heart with every beat. I was fading in and out of consciousness, as dizziness swirled around in my head. I was sweating and feverish. I could not stand up because my legs would not work. I could not eat, as every part of my body rejected the notion of taking in life-sustaining food, when death lived inside of me. There was the constant taste of metal and blood in my mouth, and bitterness in my stomach.

I was dying – I was literally dying, and it was the first time that I knew someone could really die of a broken heart. I longed for death at that moment. I wanted to die and I could not ever see myself whole again at that time. Thinking of my family, I knew that I had to somehow hold on. In order to make it through the night, I asked a friend to come and stay with me. I knew at the very least, I wouldn’t die there in my home alone. It was a rough night for her though. Every 30 minutes or so, I let out a piercing scream into the atmosphere, without explanation. She didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I didn’t know how to explain it. She asked me if I needed to go to the hospital. But, what would have been the point of that – Can a broken heart be fixed in the ER?

They of church and religion have for too long, erroneously attempted to rectify this type of pain through ineffective methods that often times lead to great frustration for the one suffering. Me being a preacher, I have been guilty of this error in times past. It was not until I had to walk through it that I understood the error in how I had mishandled people who had come to me in this type of pain. I repeated to those seeking my help all of the things that had been said to me, “You need to pray; you need to fast; you don’t need him anyway; God has better things in store for you…” These were all truthful sayings, but they acted as band aids on bullet wounds. The so-called doctors of the faith had misdiagnosed my affliction and prescribed the wrong medicine, based on their wrong diagnosis.

What I have now learned through experience and revelation of the scriptures is that relationships forged in sin, are not necessarily absent of LOVE. Before my fall, I gave way to the common perception of the church. That common perception is this: relationships that do not glorify GOD can have absolutely no element of genuine LOVE. The case with most preachers is that they believe they must immediately disqualify, without further review, any relationship that has even the slightest trace of sinful origins. I believed the same. Being a married preacher of the Gospel at that time of my life, safely within the confines of a “loving marriage”, I could not comprehend how two people could claim to be in LOVE and yet put each other’s mortal souls in danger. I know that I am not the only one who has heard the saying, “real love waits”.

What is “real LOVE” though? Who really knows, and how many of us actually walk in it? If the truth be told, many husbands and wives do not walk in LOVE with one another. Many parents do not walk in LOVE with their children. Many shepherds do not walk in LOVE with their flock. Many Believers do not walk in LOVE with their Savior. And yet, as is so often the case with the spirit of religion, the church society has SINGLED OUT “unmarried couples” to put on display as the ultimate example of a loveless relationship. While conveniently overlooking the hatred, bitterness, rebellion, jealousy, anger, depression, etcetera…, in their own homes and churches, they pick at the splinter in the eye of those that have found a measure of LOVE in some unaccepted or unconventional way. And why are these “unmarried couples” the castaways of the church-world, relationship ethics committee? It is because they are classified as fornicators.

In actuality, most people do not even know what the word ‘fornication’ means. What answer pops into your head when I ask, “What is the meaning of fornication?” If you are like most people, your answer is, “sex outside of marriage”. BANNNNHHHH! Wrong answer!!! Fornication’s literal translation is “illicit sexual activity”. Fornication is the spirit behind masturbation, pornography, adultery, molestation – and also, sex prior to publicly exchanging wedding vows (what many mistakenly refer to as “premarital sex”). However, by that definition, how much fornication is going on in so many marriages? If we apply the same blanket generalization to ALL instances of sexual perversion – that generalization being that in the presence of fornication there is the absence of LOVE – then even many married couples would join the castaway club!

One of the most powerful statements in the bible for me is found in 1 John 4:8, “…GOD is LOVE”. Yahweh GOD and LOVE are actually made equal in this scripture, without prejudice or distinction! Another of my favorites is found in 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, LOVE each other deeply, because LOVE covers over a multitude of sins.” You see the truth of the matter is LOVE is the most powerful force in the universe because LOVE is the very essence of The Father’s nature.  John 3:16 says, “For GOD so LOVED the world…” The Father sent His son to die for our sins out of the pure LOVE of His essence. Aren’t we all made in the likeness and image of this same GOD who is called LOVE? Yes, certainly we are! Therefore every human being is born with the capacity to LOVE. LOVE is as natural to us as breathing. The capability to LOVE is a part of the standard makeup of every living soul.

There is no one that has become perfectly like The Creator. We are all striving to be like HIM. We are all born with a measure of LOVE, a measure of GOD’s Nature that develops according to how it is nurtured. It is that measure that enables even atheists, skin heads and murders to love those closest to their hearts. Although hard to admit, most of us know these things to be true and have personally witnessed a measure of LOVE being released through someone we would deem totally wicked. That being the case, why is it so hard for some Christians to believe that even though a relationship is forged in sin, there is yet LOVE in the midst of it?  Two homosexuals can be in love; two teenagers can be in love; a mistress can be in love with her married man, and a married man his mistress; a john can be in love with his hooker and a hooker her pimp! And while it is certainly right and proper for a couple to remain sexually pure until they officially unite in matrimony (when that is a righteously appropriate option), we know in this world it very seldom happens that way. Therefore, if we are truly going to help couples that have fallen into this tar pit of fornication escape its grips; we are going to have to start by acknowledging the genuine LOVE that these people share. By attempting to dis-validate their experience of love, we push them into isolation and shut ourselves off from the revelatory insight that can truly set them free.

The bible reads in John 8:32, “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” We as church leaders need to be set free by the truth before we can set anyone else free with it. The truth that we need to know in regards to sinful relationships is that these couples do fall in LOVE, and their LOVE covers over the sin of their fornication. The conviction may be in their hearts, but it gives way to the LOVE that consumes them. Pease let no one misunderstand me! I clearly and emphatically declare that pre-wedding-ceremony-sex is sinful; IT IS FORNICATION. Homosexuality is a sin; adultery is a sin; teenage sexual love affairs are a sin. The fornication that is birthed out of these relationships is not a product of LOVE, it is a product of lust. Yet simultaneously, I am also clearly and emphatically acknowledging that there is still genuine LOVE in these relationships that is expressed through sexuality.

Please check back in for the Part 2 of this powerful article. Are you are a subscriber to the Insights from Dr. Intimacy blog? Be sure to subscribe to be notified of new articles. Your email address will never be sold or shared.

In the Power of  HIS Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Breaking the bonds of sexual perversion ~ Healing the bonds of heart-2-heart intimacy…

www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2013 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright and legal notices on this page.

Jesus is NOT my husband, or yours!

married to jesus

OK, let’s just clear something up today. When the scriptures refers to The Church as the “bride of Christ”, that is a reference to the collective body of Believers. The true meaning of this scripture can be found all the way back in Genesis 2:24,

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 

Remember that Messiah is referred to as the second Adam and the ultimate purpose of His return, is that at the end of life on earth, we can return to being one with Him. That is why He said in heaven we will neither marry, nor be given in marriage. However, the marriage between Christ and His bride cannot take place until we shed these corrupt bodies of flesh and put on our new heavenly bodies when in a moment we shall be changed and be like Him!. Once we become like Him, finally we will be prepared for that beautiful marriage as One Body of Believers with our One True Husband… and what a glorious day that will be, Hallelujah!!!

Nevertheless, marriage between humans is for the earth and for the flesh. THERE IS ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY that separates the marriage relationship from every other relationship – SEX. The blood covenant bond created through sexual intercourse is the one and only thing that sets the marriage relationship apart. This is a right and a privilege that can only be blessed and spiritually legal when shared between a man and woman committed to each other in monogamy for life.

Having said that, when someone says “I need/want a husband, or I need/want a wife” please DO NOT respond with “Jesus is your husband or Jesus is all you need.” If you do, you are just being DSI (Deep, Spooky and Ignorant)! If Jesus can’t literally lay in your bed and physically and sexually penetrate you, then He cannot be your husband or wife! Consummation of a marriage on earth requires the blood covenant of physical intercourse, so please…

#justSTOPPIT!

~REAL TALK from Dr. Intimacy~ © 12/18/2012

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#1 Rule of “sin-free” dating: TIME, PLACE, & SPACE.

TIME: While dating, even if engaged, avoid spending excessive time together. The dating period is a time to get to know each other and soberly evaluate whether or not there is potential for a long-term future. Becoming intoxicated with one another’s presence will interfere with your judgement. Once engaged, the engagement period is a time to prepare for a successful marriage. If you spend every waking moment together, what is the point of putting off the wedding?

PLACE: When you do spend time together, stay in well-lit and/or busy, public places. If you do want to engage in an activity at a more private location, such as a person’s house, be sure that someone that will hold you accountable to sexual integrity is there too. When your accountability covering leaves or goes to bed, you and/or your date must leave too!

SPACE: Keep a safe respectable distance between you and your date. Sit across from the table, as opposed to on a booth side by side. Avoid foot rubs, massages, and other stimulating physical contact that could lower your defenses. Don’t lay on one another (such as placing your feet on their lap, or your head.) If you want to share a little closeness in a public place, it is OK, but even in public, too much physical contact may lead to the temptation to go off and be alone. Lastly, if you want to share a kiss, only do so at the end of a date, outside of the house or car, and don’t let it linger past a minute. There is no need for this, or use for it.

If you are spending a lot of enjoyable time with a person, and get into a private place, and fail to keep enough space between you and the person – a fall into sexual immorality is INEVITABLE. So if you want to stay pure until marriage, remember these important principles…

~Daily Insights from Dr. Intimacy~ © 11/20/2012

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Is Common Law Marriage Acceptable Before God?

Most of us know what common law marriage is. This happens when two people, who are afraid of commitment, shack up for so long that they become legally recognized as husband and wife, by the government and other people. These types of couples tend to consider themselves to be married when it suits them, and not married when it doesn’t  It is a false commitment or an oxymoron at best, because you cannot be “committed” in a non-committed relationship.

Nevertheless, the concept of a common law marriage is not as unbiblical as it may seem. In actuality, what creates a marriage covenant is sexual intercourse. The courts create a marriage contract, but sexual intercourse – with or without the involvement of the courts – creates a marriage covenant. When two people become sexually active and then decide to live together, the inbred human instinct is likely the force that is driving them. You see, from the beginning of time, it would have been unlawful to follow any other course of action.

As the old saying goes, “You break it, you buy it!” In other words, whenever a man was the one to break a woman’s virginity, or her abstinence after divorce or widowhood, she became his to keep for life. She became his responsibility and obligation. If you were a woman, who allowed yourself to succumb to the temptation of sex with a man, you became that man’s property, his wife.

What we call “common law marriage”, was the only type of marriage that existed in early times and amongst the Children of Israel. Paperwork was not necessary to establish, solidify or validate a marriage covenant that two people made in private. As a matter of fact, amongst those cultures of morally strict beliefs (such as the Jews), if two people had sex and did not accept each other as husband and wife, and it became publicly known, there were serious penalties – sometimes as serious as execution! For the woman found in this situation that was not killed, she was labeled a prostitute, and the man a whoremonger. So in actuality, “common law marriage” was common place.

Yet at the same time, because marriage in most cultures is such a significant and honorable event, there was quite a bit of ceremony surrounding the making of a marriage covenant. The village of the husband and wife to be – the elders, family members and friends – rallied in support of the new couple. The village also stood as witnesses of the covenant, to ensure that the union be made publicly known. This was to hold the new couple accountable to the guidelines of the covenant, and to discourage the couple from living as if they were still available. These traditional practices led to what we now know as the wedding ceremony. However, these ceremonies were not paramount in the establishing of a marriage, the way it is in our culture today.  In some instances, the covenant was made privately between the new husband and wife; then publicized and celebrated later. It was perfectly legal and acceptable to do so, as long as the female was free to speak for herself (meaning she was not still of her father’s household, a slave or in another marriage).

So if you are involved in a common law marriage, you might be jumping for joy right now, feeling like you are “OK” in your “shacking” situation – BUT HOLD YOUR HORSES. No covenant can ever be established without a meeting of the minds. In every covenant recorded in scripture, the terms of the covenant were clearly outlined to all parties involved. Furthermore, the covenant was not binding until all parties, with full understanding and by their own choice, agreed to abide by the terms. “How can two walk together unless they agree?” There cannot be the establishment of a covenant without full AGREEMENT. And since a marriage covenant is made between a man, a woman and God (because it is God who designed and ordained the marriage covenant) – the man and woman must be in agreement with each other and with God, in order for that covenant to be a legitimately established and binding one.

A covenant is such a strong, life-altering, forever-binding commitment, which such great consequences for violating any of the terms. It would be beyond unjust to bind someone to a covenant, without their knowledge.  As it were, it is actually impossible to do so! You can forge someone’s name on a contract, but you cannot forge a covenant. The issue here is that we are talking about the difference between a contract and a covenant. A contract is created on paper and can therefore be nullified on paper, but a covenant is created in the spirit. It is something that cannot be established on paper, but is instead written on the tablets of the heart. It is a solemn, sober-minded, life-long pledge of commitment that is literally engrafted into the heart and soul of the parties of agreement.

A contract can be cancelled, but in order to break an established covenant, something or someone has to die. You are forever changed after making a covenant and whatever or whoever you were before that covenant was made, no longer exists afterward. You can never go back and be that person again. You are so radically altered that you are literally no longer the same person. The only way to get around the obligations of a covenant – and I do mean “get around” in every sense of its significance – is to drastically alter your life once again. You have to recreate yourself, in order to be able to function and work around whatever in you had to die, for that covenant to be broken.

So you may be asking yourself, “OK, what is the point she is trying to make here?” The point that I am making is this:

Any sexual blood covenant that you create with the person you are having sex with, will not stand as a binding marriage covenant before God – unless that was the full “heart intent”, of both you and your partner, before the first sexual act took place.

Let there be no confusion about what I am saying here. Irrefutably, you do create a sexual blood covenant, WHICH IS THE FORMATION OF A MARRIAGE, each and every time you have sex with someone. However, it is not a binding marriage AGREEMENT, unless marriage was your intent. In other words, your covenant exists, but is not honorable, legitimate or binding.

The core commitment never existed – when your initial intent was a moment of pleasure, as opposed to a life-time of serving.

So my final answer is this: Yes and No.

YES: Common law marriage (saying the term loosely because there was no such term or concept in ancient, biblical times) is acceptable before God, if marriage was the initial intent – with a full understanding that the sexual act would be the beginning of the commencement of that marriage. This basically means that two available (not currently married) people of the opposite sex, choose to come into agreement about a marriage covenant privately and without a public ceremony or court involvement. However such marriages would still be made publicly known.

NO: Shacking up in a sexually-based, non-committed relationship for years, and then just through the passing of time “ending up legally married” is not honorable before God. This covenant can and should be nullified and re-established the decent and orderly way, if you both agree and desire to have a legitimate, binding and blessed marriage covenant before God.

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2012 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

Experience TRUE Intimacy This Year!

It is the beginning of a New Year, a time that most of us take personal inventory of our lives. Part of that self-evaluation usually concerns our relationships. Maybe you are like many who experienced a lack of fulfillment in your relationships in this past year. Maybe you are so turned aside with relationships that your New Year’s resolution is to completely disassociate yourself from everyone! But wait! Before you pack your knapsack and find a nice dark, emotional cave to live out the rest of your days as a hermit, let’s consider a few things.

First of all, do you even know the meaning of intimacy? When I ask the question, “What is intimacy?” what is the first thing that comes to mind? By looking at a number of different definitions, I was able to conclude that intimacy can be comprehensively defined as: A loving, affectionate, close and familiar personal relationship; with detailed knowledge and deep understanding of another person; and furthermore expression toward that person serving as a token of the state of being intimate.

Notice that the definition of intimacy has nothing to do with sex. Perhaps the first clue to the lack of intimacy in your life is your misconstrued understanding of what it truly is, and how to apply it in your relationships. Intimacy is not something that you act out behind closed doors, in a candlelit room, on satin sheets. Intimacy is a nature that you have to walk in daily, with those whom you choose to share intimacy with. Intimacy is not something that you do – it is rather something that you are: intimacy is not an activity – it is a nature. Let’s look more closely at the words in the definition for intimacy.

Loving – as in “a sacrificial commitment toward a person’s betterment”. Love is a SERIOUS ACTION WORD with a defined series of what you need to do, and what you definitely should not do. Love is patient; it is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud; it does not dishonor another; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs; it does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth; it always protects; always trusts; always hopes; and always perseveres.

Affectionate – as in “releasing warm energy toward a person”. Affection is the emotion that gives you that “gooey feeling” inside. Affection is a genuine warmth that you feel toward a person, on a heart level, that causes you to seek out ways to be near them and show expression. Affection is infectious!  Affection has a strong drawing power. It makes a person want to be near you.

Close – as in “being connected to someone on an emotional level”. Being close means being vulnerable. You cannot be close to someone and protect yourself from getting hurt at the same time. Closeness requires giving of your deeper self and receiving of another’s deeper self.

Familiar – as in “awareness of someone’s way of being, their habits and methods”. Familiarity requires a time investment. You have to consciously observe someone over an extended period of time, in a number of different scenarios, in order to become familiar with the person. Case in point, you cannot have sex with someone you just met in a bar and call that intimacy because developing intimacy takes time.

Knowledge – as in “processing on a conscious level your familiarity with a person”. After investing the time to become familiar with a person, intimacy requires you to make use of that familiarity through knowledge. If you know someone’s habits and methods, you should put forth effort to accommodate them in a useful way – help them in their weaknesses and accentuate the person’s strengths.

Deep Understanding – as in “the wisdom to combine all of the above elements into a comprehensive knowledge and conscious awareness of who a person truly is on the deepest level, at the core of their being”. This requires you to have an intricate knowledge of a person’s hopes, dreams, wounds, weaknesses, strengths, fears, struggles, desires and qualities – in essence, the inner workings of their heart.

Expression – as in “finding it easy and enjoyable to share physically and outwardly the love, affection, closeness, familiarity, knowledge and deep understanding of intimacy”. There are plenty of ways to express intimacy without sexuality being involved. The first and most powerful expression of intimacy that most people experience is in the delivery room on the day of their birth, when they receive their mother’s first kiss and stroke on the cheek. This should help you understand that sex and intimacy are not synonymous, and in many cases have nothing to do with each other.

By the above explanation, it may be painfully obvious to you now that you are not experiencing true intimacy in your relationships. Perhaps there is a “coldness” in your relationship with your spouse. Maybe you have dated a number of different people over the years and just have not been able to connect with anyone in a meaningful way. But how can you expect to have intimacy with someone you are dating, or a spouse, which you have known only a portion of your life, when you are not intimate with the parents you have known your entire life? How can you expect to experience intimacy with a girl or guy you met only months ago, when you have no intimacy with the parents that raised you or the children that you raised?

If there is no genuine intimacy in any of your relationships, then you must realize that the common denominator is YOU. You are the problem; not the person you are married to or dating! Intimacy should exist in every important relationship in your life and be expressed in non-sexual ways. Intimacy can be expressed through how you look at a person, the tone in your voice, or even in how you hand them a plate. It is expressed through gifts, words of honor, surprises and sacrifices. It can be expressed through hugs, kisses and gentle touches. These are the first and most important expressions of intimacy that can be shared with any and all of your loved ones.

And guess what… YOU CANNOT EXPERIENCE SEXUAL INTIMACY, IF YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY! Sex should be reserved for and revered as the Ultimate Physical Expression of intimacy; not used to create intimacy, but instead to share intimacy that already exist. Instead of using sex to cover over a lack of true intimacy in your life; instead of trying to use sex to fill the painful void in your soul that exists because you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, by keeping people at a safe distance – learn how to create intimacy outside of sex this year!

Start in your relationship with God. Next, learn how to be truly intimate with yourself. Use the guidelines in this article to take on the nature of intimacy in your relationship with your parents, children, and close family members. Share your new intimate nature with your friends, co-workers and church family. It is not until you learn the nature of intimacy, that you will be able to enjoy the experience of the Ultimate Physical Expression of intimacy with a significant other. So become intimacy – be an overall intimate person, and experience true intimacy in all of your relationships in this New Year. Enjoy the enrichment that intimacy brings into your life. Then you will be able to enjoy rich meaningful connections, even if you are single!

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.

When Is The Right Time to Talk To Your Children About Sex?

Two years ago, I took my then nine-year old daughter along with me to a Christian girls rally. The audience consisting mainly of 14 to 18 year olds was all abuzz as the hostess introduced “Dr. Intimacy”. They wanted to know who I was and what I was going to talk to them about. I’m sure if this event had been held at school and the community liaison of Planned Parent Hood was announced the girls would’ve known pretty much what to expect. However, the very notion of talking about sex in any Christian function seems almost sinister to most.

After running down a quick introduction I asked the audience a series of questions such as, “What is intimacy?” Many gladly volunteered answers. But when I asked, “What is sex?” everyone froze. No one wanted to answer my question. An audience that I assume by observance of their behavior consisted of very few virgins, was unwilling to render an answer. I refused to move on until I got an answer and so much to everyone’s surprise, my nine-year old daughter raised her hand. With no other volunteers after two minutes of waiting why wouldn’t I give her a chance to answer? She opened up her mouth and said very plainly without smiling, blinking or stuttering, “It’s when the penis goes into the vagina.”

The entire audience responded with laughter and amazement. Why was this nine-year old girl willing and able to explain what a room full of teenagers was not? She was able to explain because I taught her. I have seven children and I began teaching all of my children about sex when they reached the age of two. It never ceases to amaze me as I travel across the country to speak to people on issues of sexuality and intimacy, how ignorant most parents are to the dire need of candidly discussing sex with their children!

I’ll never forget the frantic phone call of a friend of mine. He had been called to his five-year old’s school because the boy had been accosted by two female students in his kindergarten class, who pulled his pants down and began performing oral sex on him right there in the class! It sounds hard to believe I know, but most children begin sexual exploration around the age of two. Sexual exploration is when they get curious and begin to test out “what it does when I do this”. It is also the typical age at which they want to know whether or not other people “have one too”.  It won’t take a child long to figure out  in the midst of their innocent exploration that it feels good when they rub this or pull on that. Many people have discussed with me children masturbating as early as two. I performed it regularly beginning at age five.

Parents, the right time to talk to your children about sex is NOW! The greatest thing that you can do as a parent to help avert sexual misbehavior, and the ill consequences thereof, in the lives of your children is to be very proactive. Don’t just react to what they do, influence what they do. Our children are bombarded with the deviant sexual influences of society from birth. No matter how wholesome you try to keep the environment in your home, unless you plan on moving to a deserted island, there is nothing that you can do to protect them from this. The most important challenge is helping them overcome their curiosity about sex by having candid discussions and lessons.  You can start by showing them illustrations of naked bodies and allowing them ask as many questions as they want to.   Give them honest but age appropriate answers using the proper names for the anatomy.

Always remember this about parenting and life and general: The first time a person hears something will be the most substantial time and will set the foundation for their beliefs on that topic forever. If the first time your children hear about sex is in a perverted way on the school playground, that is what will shape their beliefs about sex. If it is at home with Mom and the Bible, talking about the beauty of intimacy in marriage and the sacredness of their bodies to be reserved for that time, that is what will shape their beliefs.  It is such a terrible and irreversible mistake when parents neglect to discuss sexuality with their children. What I find is that most parents wait until they think their children may be interested or involved in sex, but once that sleeping giant of sexuality is awakened it is hard to return it to hibernation. Don’t wait until it is too late. Equip them now to successfully stand against the pressures of a society that is encouraging sexual immorality on every hand. Help prevent them from becoming another bad teenage statistic and prepare them for enjoyable intimacy with a spouse in the future.

What are your thoughts on this? If you have children, at what age did you first discuss sex with them? Have you been “waiting for the right time”?

In the Power of Love,

Dr. Intimacy

Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body

http://www.drintimacy.com

Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.