Do you have a personal issue that you want insight on or a very specific question that you need answered? This is the place to post it. I will get back to you in a timely manner as best as I can. Feel free to email me if you don’t receive a response, but please post it here first before emailing me. Your letter may be featured on my YouTube channel as a feature on my “Insights From Dr. Intimacy” YouTube show. If it is, I will let you know so be sure to sign up for email alerts for new comments and posts. Below is a letter that I received. This is an example of the type of letter you can write and the type of response you will receive. If your issue requires a detailed response, I am likely to post both the letter and my response on the main page as a feature article. Thanks again for allowing me to share my gift.
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Dear Dr. Intimacy,
I am struggling sexually in my mind. When I was about 5 or 6, my babysitters’ cousin began touching on my private area. So as to make me a little less uneasy while he did it, he’d turn on cartoons for me to watch. I had suppressed these memories along with many others until about 5 years ago. I am now married with children. I suddenly found myself remembering what was done to me as a child. I began looking at adult anime online. I became so addicted to it.
I struggled/am struggling to let that go and send it straight back to the depths of hell. On top of that, I recently started masturbating. I never found myself so attractive to the point where I’d actually touch myself, but here lately, I do it more than I should. I don’t want these lingering demons to transfer to my children. I want to stop. I pray against it all the time. I stay away from the computer except to check email or chat with friends and family. People who know me (or think they do) would never imagine me having these issues or struggles. God has been so gracious enough to keep me covered and my mess out of the light of day.
Also, to add insult and injury to devastation, I’ve been having dreams about a dear friend of mine. A friend who’s married and has his own kids. These dreams leave me wondering if I am married to the wrong person. I love my husband and children with all my heart and soul. It just seems that everything I’m not getting out of my marriage…like a listening ear, my friend has shown up and given me all over again. He’s unhappy in his situation, and cares a great deal about me. He never proposed adultery or anything, but did say he has loved me a long time. My mind just feels like this huge battleground. I think about my mess so much sometimes, I get a headache from it. I want to be truly happy and content with the life God gave me and leave my past where it is and move forward. I just find it so difficult to do so. Where should I begin?
Depressed & Confused
Dear Depressed and Confused,
First let me say that I thank you for reaching out to me and I am so sorry for how you were violated as a child. Such wounds run deep, especially when you don’t know of the abuse until your adulthood, such as in your case. Even though the violation happened many years ago, for you it is still a fresh wound because you only became aware of it recently.
Your emotional response to cope by indulging in anime is an attempt on your part to normalize your experience. It is sometimes so much easier to try to justify someone violating you than it is to truly accept the violation and the subsequent anger and pain that you will feel as a result.
Now the addiction to anime, or an addiction to anything for that matter, would surely perpetuate the desire for masturbation since at the root of the activity, you are trying to gain control of your life. You are trying to control your emotions and for a brief moment masturbation makes you feel very much in control of yourself. It makes you feel strong and desirable, until… it is over with of course. Then you crash.
The attraction to your neighbor falls in line with wanting to be rescued from the chaos that your life seems to have become. It is so much easier to magnify his good qualities instead of face the challenge of working on issues in your home. You are just so stretched right now, mentally, emotionally, spiritually… you feel like you don’t have anything else to give. Toying with the idea of adultery gives you the pleasure of relief from it all for a short time. I am sharing these things with you because if you understand what you are doing, you have a better chance of overcoming the behavior. I understand Sis, I’ve been there.
- 1) Cease all communication with your neighbor IMMEDIATELY. You play with fire and you will get burned. Falling into adultery is not going to help you or him!!!
- 2) You really need to work through your feelings with a counselor. What happened to you was devastating and even though it happened a long time ago, you have every right to still be hurt over it. But, you need to get healed.
- 3) You need to be very open with your husband about what you are struggling with. As much as you think he can handle, you need to tell him.
- 4) You need to saturate your life with any and everything that will build you up spiritually – Christian TV, Reading or listening to the Bible, on-line Christian communities, prayer groups, etc… Building up your spirit man will empower you to overcome the weakness of your flesh.
- 5) Lastly for now, getting some resource materials to help you understand what you are going through is a MUST! We perish for lack of knowledge. Empower yourself with understanding of how the devil is fighting you and how you can fight back successfully. I have some great resources on the product page and I am sure you can find some other resources on-line.
In the Power of Love,
Prolific Author and Speaker Specializing in Sex, Intimacy and Relationships from a Holistic Perspective – Spirit, Soul & Body
Copyright © 2011 by Laneen A. Haniah “Dr. Intimacy”. All rights reserved. Please see full copyright notice on front page for more info.