So, this past weekend I attended a community forum called, “Men vs. Women”. We all openly discussed issues of dating and relationships. One of the ladies asked a question about how to overcome being “judgmental”, stating that when she was on dates, she would immediately begin to pick out a man’s faults and disqualify him in her mind. (Not her exact words, but that was what I got from her question.) The other panelists gave her advice about not being judgmental and offered her the old adage, “Nobody’s perfect”.
Now let me just say that the lady who asked the question was strikingly beautiful, and being someone who is very frequently told that I am exceptionally beautiful, I KNOW that pretty ladies can be stuck up at times . I admit this. I really had to work on this because pride can turn you from a princess into a frog in a flat second! But does being humble mean that I have to entertain the advances of every male that approaches me, and do so with an open heart and mind?
Something that men don’t understand about the life of an exceptionally beautiful female is that we get approached VERY FREQUENTLY. While that may sound nice, (and admittedly I do enjoy the attention :0) it can be detrimental to my focus.
Time is the most precious commodity on earth; it is more valuable than money to me. Money can be created, but time can never be refunded once spent! I have very lofty goals and never enough time, it seems, to accomplish them all. So as far as my time goes, I guard it tenaciously. As I have gotten older, (I’m 40 now), I have had to learn quick and easy ways to assess a man’s potential and keep it moving if he doesn’t meet basic qualifications. One of the ways I did this was taking the time to identify my major standards and core values. Once I identified them, I made a mental checklist and kept it handy.
The importance of standards is best explained like this. An inch is a standard unit of measurement. One dollar is a standard unit of money. A pound is a standard unit of weight. If I want to lose 20 lbs, I only know how much weight that is because I give regard to the standard and have a scale that is set to that standard to keep me on track. If I have to park within 12 inches of a parking meter to avoid getting a ticket, I only know how to measure that distance because I respect the standard unit of measurement. If it costs $500 to pay my car note, I only know the significance of that cost because a standard unit of money exists that I understand and follow!
IF WE HAVE NO STANDARDS, HOW DO WE SET GOALS AND MEASURE RESULTS?
Knowing what you want and don’t want in a potential mate and being consciously aware of that during a meet and greet is NOT being judgmental. Boundaries are meant to keep us safe from unpleasant and/or dangerous experiences. If I, for instance, set a boundary or have a standard of only considering a non-smoker for a mate, it is not judgmental of me to use that guideline when considering a potential marriage candidate. I know how much I looovvvve to kiss. I also know how nauseating it’d be to kiss a smoker, so I already know that the quality of any relationship between me and this person would be greatly diminished.
I respect my time and his time too much to waste it for either of us, nor would I want to be misleading, so I just would not go there with him to begin with. However, I would NOT disqualify this person as a friend, or consider him to be any less valuable as a human being or as a member of the Body of Christ. If I did, that would be judgmental. But on the contrary, he would still have value to me as a person on this earth and possibly even as a friend in my life. I would just approach the continuation of the relationship with an awareness that he doesn’t have the core qualities I know I need in a man that I am going to SUBMIT TO as my Prophet, Priest and King.
One of the male panelist said that if we (us females) were to stop being judgmental and just give the brothers a chance, we might just be the woman that he changes for.
Uh… as far as him “changing for me”…
… ANGHHHHH (buzzer sound), WRONG ANSWER! LOL.
That is a HUGE mistake to make in dating ! Change is never permanent when only done to be acceptable to another human being. Anyone who changes to please you, will change back when they no longer care to please you. A person has to be truly transformed from the inside out and that is a very personal journey. Besides, if I’m sitting across the table looking at a guy saying, “Wow, he’d be a great husband if only he can change, ____, ____, and ____”… Well, now to me THAT IS BEING JUDGMENTAL!
I have to be able to unconditionally accept a man as he comes and be ready to surrender my life in dedication to him JUST THE WAY HE IS the day I meet him, so I better make darn sure that I want to do that. The truth of the matter is, he may never change or even see the need to. Who am I to want someone to live up to my personal standards? Why should he have to change for me, if he likes himself the way he is? I would not want a man to have such thoughts about me, so I cannot justify having them about someone else. He is FINE just the way he is, just not fine for me. And how how do I know that? Because I have standards to measure him by!
So sister girl, if you are being judgmental, I encourage you to humble yourself because beauty is fleeting and vain, and I can say the same things to you fellows out there. But maybe you are not judgmental after all. Perhaps you know it takes 12 inches to make a one foot ruler and you immediately recognize when it’s two inches off – hello! In other words, you have identified your standards and therefore can very easily identify anything that is outside of their measurement. That is not being judgmental or condescending or stuck-up or… any other labeled word. That is you valuing your time and respecting the other person’s time, while protecting everyone’s hearts and emotions.
Like I said Saturday though, to me the bottom line is that we really have to change the way we approach dating as a whole. It is more expedient and organic to just meet someone as a friend and learn to value them as a person, before trying to evaluate them as a mate. If you are not cool enough to be just my friend, why the heck would I want to consider spending the rest of my life with you? So before we call it a date, how about two people getting together as human beings and finding levels on which we can genuinely connect as people? Let’s practice intimate friendship, before we jump into bed and trip into marriage.
Insights from Dr. Intimacy 
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